Out of the Mouths of Babes

It's been a miserable last couple of weeks. It's SO HOT and everybody is irritable, plus the girls are spending their free time picking on each other, teasing each other, and trying to finish driving me crazy. You would think that with school starting things would calm down, but I've been spending most of my afternoons and weekends saying:

"Stop touching your sister."

"Kaitlyn, stop repeating everything Maura says."

and

"Maura, putting your finger in front of her face and saying, 'Not touching, Can't be mad' IS teasing. Please stop."

If you have kids, I'm sure you can imagine. (If you don't have kids, I'm sure reading my blog reminds you to refill your contraception prescriptions.) After a particularly rough evening, I was sending the girls to bed early (to preserve their lives) when this happened:

Schatz (while spontaneously hugging Maura): Maura, you are the best sister in the whole wide world.

Maura (to me): You know, Mom, Schatz can really be a pain, but then she does something like this and it's all worthwhile.

Too Literal for Words

We are dog sitting and Bregan comes up in conversation a lot these days...

Schatz: Bregan is a Golden Retriever, like Lucy.

Me: No, Bregan is a Chocolate Lab.

Schatz (hands on hips): What you say?

Me: Bregan is a Chocolate Lab.

Schatz (shaking her head as she walks away): No, Silly. Bregan is not a chocolate. She is a dog. You are so funny.

Someone's Been Sleeping in My Bed

My nephew Heath is pretty much potty trained. He has gone for months without any accidents, but this morning, my sister found his bed wet for the second morning in a row.

Teresa: Oh, Heath! You're wet again!

Heath: I know, Mom! SOMEONE peed on me!

Bad Parenting: Exhibit A

This happened last winter, but for some reason I keep thinking about it today...

I was shopping with my Mom and Schatz in an open air mall where all the shops are on two or three blocks. Schatz had brought a Liv fashion doll to play with while I found a nice dress.

(Don't be ashamed. Google it. I'll still be here when you get back.)

At some point, I realized that the Liv Doll was gone, which was a problem because it's Maura's doll, not Kaitlyn's. The last place I remember seeing it was the Clear Water Creek department store...so we go back to see if they have it.

Me: In the last hour have you by chance found a naked Liv Fashion Doll?

Sales Lady: What kind of doll?

Me: It's a Liv doll. Like a naked Barbie, but bald.

Sales Lady: Bald?

Me: I wouldn't let her bring the wig. I was afraid she'd lose it.

Sales Lady chuggles a little. Looks in the Lost and Found, but doesn't find it. We look around the store, in the clothes racks, in the dressing room.

Sales Lady: Well, I sure Maura will understand if you tell her it was an accident.

Me (without even thinking): Oh, I'm not telling her. Are you crazy? I'm going to say: "Maura, I can possibly be expected to keep track of your things. Go look in a toy box."

Oh, yes, this is not one of my finer moments.

A Whale of a Tale

As heard while eavesdropping on a telephone conversation between Schatz and her daddy his morning...

Schatz: Daddy? Daddy. While Maura was getting her bike for school there was a spider in the garage. A huge, EVIL spider, Daddy. It was going to bite us with it's fangs. And Mommy wouldn't let us back in the house. But then she let us in the house. And she killed it with your shoe, Daddy.

(pause)

Schatz: No, it was EVIL I tell you. And hairy.


What actually happened....

Girls saw a spider (about an inch long counting the leg span) in the corner of the garage. Kids were fascinated. Mom got the ebbie-sceebies and killed it with a shoe. I'm a little concerned about the part where she told her dad that I wouldn't let her back in the house...hmmmm.

Establishing Boundaries

Maura got in trouble yesterday for lying. It really was a stupid lie, but it's not the first lie so we're enforcing the consequences. As a result, Maura has launched a counter offensive which consists of trying to drive us crazy in the hopes that we'll lift the restrictions. Here's a taste of my afternoon:


Maura: Can I just go outside a sit on the porch?

Me: No, your friends are outside and you are grounded.

Maura: I promise I won't talk to my friends.

Me: No.

Maura: I'll hide behind the tree. I promise. They won't even know I'm there.

Me: No.


Later...

Maura: My friends were being mean to me today at school.

Me: What happened?

Maura: They were telling me all the fun things they did while I was grounded. That's bragging. That's not nice.

Me: That's kind of a bummer, Maura.

Maura: But you should let me go play so that I don't feel left out...

Me: Nope. It's just one of the consequences of being grounded.

Most recently, when the phone rang:

Maura: I'll get it.

Me: Nope. You are grounded off the phone.

Maura: What if Julie has a question about homework?

Me: She'll have to call another friend.

Maura: What if Grandma calls and needs to talk to me?

Me: Grandma will have to call back in a week.

Maura (eyes tearing up): You would keep me from my Grandmother?

Me: You bet.

Newly Crowned: Queen of Sheba

Schatz: Mooooooommmmm!

Me: What?

Schatz: I need your heeeellllp! (At our house, this translates to: Come wipe my bottom.)

I go into the bathroom.

Me: Schatz, you are going to be four soon. Four year olds are big girls and have to wipe their own bottoms.

Schatz: But it's gross.

Me: Yes. It is, but you'll survive it.

Schatz (ever the skeptic): Well, I'm going to need more paper than THAT.

I hand her more toilet paper and step out of the bathroom

Schatz (under her breath): You ALWAYS make me do EVERYTHING!