Babies and Ring Tones

We recently moved back to the United States and are adjusting to living in the "big city".   Yesterday we were getting one of the kids the last of their vaccinations when we heard "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" being played over the hospital PA system. We were pretty busy with the business at hand so we didn't ask about the music.  While we were waiting the mandatory post vaccination 15 minutes in the waiting room, we hear the melody again.

Schatz: What was that?

Me: I'm not sure. 

(a minute or so later)

Me:  I'll bet they play that whenever a baby is born.

Schatz:  No.  It's probably not that.

Me:  Go ask the receptionist.

Schatz (who has become self conscious): I can't ask that.  That's not a clever question.

Me:  You don't have to ask if a baby was born.  You can ask the receptionist why the music is playing.

Schatz went up to the receptionist and had a short conversation.

Schatz (Speaking loudly from across the room):  You were right!  Every time a baby is born they get their own ringtone!

It's Lonely Under This Bus

From a venting session with M.  Her dad told her to stop doing gymnastics because she hurt herself yesterday. Today she got caught doing back bends and walk overs in the backyard and she got in trouble.

M: I didn't think he was serious!

Me: I didn't really think he was serious either, but then I didn't think you were really hurt yesterday.

M: I wasn't faking! I really was hurt. Besides, Abby [from Dance Moms] says you have to work through an injury.

Me: I don't think your Dad is very interested in Abby's opinion. He wants you to give it a rest and let your knee get better. 

M: Well, you can't feel three of your toes* and you still ran a marathon** yesterday.

Me: Why are you throwing me under the bus!?! Besides, runners rarely listen to sound medical advice. Kids have to listen to their dads if they want to stay out of trouble.

 

* I can totally feel my toes. Now. It was probably just a pinched nerve.

** It was not a marathon.

Demoted

Schatz (giving me a soft shove a block before the bus stop): You don't know me. I'm just a girl walking to the bus stop by herself. You are just a random runner.

Nutella

This actually came out of my mouth (mid conversation) while talking to Maura about being called a nerd at school today:  Don't ever dumb yourself down to make the people around you happy.  It's not your job to make everybody happy.  You aren't a jar of Nutella.

Possibly Inappropriate Photos and the iCloud

Maura:  Mom, I need to tell you something, but I want you to know I'm not tattling on Schatz.

Me: Okay.  What do you need to tell me?

Maura:  I don't want to get Schatz in trouble because I don't think she knows how she did it, but she's got a bunch of your iPad photos on her iTouch so don't take any inappropriate pictures that she's not allowed to see.

Me (choking a little and trying not to laugh):  What sort of inappropriate photos do you think I take on my iPad?

Maura:  You know...like the photo you took of my Christmas present so you could show it to Aunt April.  Don't take any of those types of photos until you can figure out what Schatz did.

House Elf

The kids are on a school break.  Maura had gone to play with a pal.  Schatz was feeling restless and bored.

Dad:  Do you want to go play Bocce Ball in the backyard?

Schatz: No.

Dad:  What do you want to do?

Schatz:  Can we play House Elf*?

Dad:  What is House Elf?

Schatz:  Well, I will be your slave and do chores for you all day like a house elf.  If I do a good job being your house elf you will give me a dollar.

Dad:  What if you do a bad job?

Schatz:  Then you can fire me.

So we spent the afternoon and evening finding jobs for our little house elf to do.  Her daddy did give her a dollar, but after we were finished folding the last load of laundry I tossed her a sock.  The next few hours before bedtime was spent playing Freed House Elf in which she repeatedly told us that she WOULD do something for us, but she didn't HAVE to because she was a free elf.

*Let's hope JK Rowling's copyright protection doesn't include imaginary play acting.

Phew! Thank goodness someone put this back in the fridge! Waste not want not.  Besides the next person might only want about half a thimbleful of Lipton iced tea.

He Sees You When Your Sleeping...

We took the kids to Target to choose Christmas presents for each other.  We were sitting in the food court afterwards enjoying a Christmas hotdog and milkshake.

Maura:  Only eleven days until Christmas!!

Me:  And we have GOT to stop shopping!  I was finished with all my Christmas shopping and I STILL bought you each one more thing because I am so excited for Christmas. 

Schatz:  You know...we could just have Christmas early...

Maura:  Yeah! Let's have Christmas early.  Nobody would have to know!

Me:  I think Santa might have a thing or two to say about it.

Schatz:  Yeah.  Santa's always watching us day and night.  (pauses)  Santa is kind of a creeper.

She Assures Me That She Is Part Boy

I was doing a little online Christmas "window" shopping after the kids went to bed.  Schatz snuck up on me while I was looking at a Lego toy. Of course, I did what I could to be casual and cover my tracks.

Schatz:  Oh!  That's really cool!

Me:  Do you think so?

Schatz:  Oh, yeah.  I'd totally play with that.

Me:  Yeah?  You don't think it's a little too boyish?

Schatz:  Oh.  I'm part boy.  I would totally play with that with my friends.

Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage

Schatz: My friend at school says that you have to get married to have a baby.

Me:  Your friend is very wise.  Babies are a lot of work. It's better if you have a husband who can help.

Schatz:  Right, but you absolutely have to be married to have a baby?

Me: No, sometimes women have babies without being married.

Schatz:  But my friend says you can't have a baby without a wedding.

Me:  Well.  Babies don't come from weddings.  It takes a man and a woman to have a baby, but they are not always married.

Schatz: Can two women have a baby?

Me:  I suppose it depends on the women.  Sometimes two women can adopt a baby.  Sometimes they foster a baby. Sometimes the baby is from a previous relationship.  I can't really say.  It just depends on the family.

Schatz:  But how do you get pregnant without a wedding?

Me:  Well.  You don't have to be married to get pregnant.  If a man and a women have sex with each other, then sometimes the woman will get pregnant.  

Schatz (walking away, chuckling to herself):  Where you come up with this stuff?

YOLO

Maura and I were sitting on a bench in the Yeperenye Shopping Center when a teenaged boy walked by in a YOLO* cap on his head.

Me:  I hate YOLO.  It's the stupidest life motto.  Don't base your life decisions on YOLO.

Maura (sighs and pats me sympathetically on the knee):  I know, mom, I know. You live everyday.  You only die once.


*YOLO is a texting shortcut for You Only Live Once.  It is a stupid life motto.

No Such Thing as a Strawberry Tree

Maura and Schatz were in the kitchen cutting up strawberries for breakfast.

Schatz:  Did you know strawberries grow on trees?

Maura:  No, they don't. 

Schatz:  Yes.  Miss Pollitt was telling us about strawberry trees at school yesterday.

Maura (calling to me):  MOM! Do strawberries grow on trees?

Me (walking into the kitchen): No, strawberries grow on plants that are about this high.  (indicating a height roughly above my ankle.) Do you want me to show you a strawberry plant?

Schatz:  Yes.

I googled a strawberry plant.

 

 

 

Schatz:  Well, of course!  You put in plant. See?  (pointing to the search bar)

 

Me: Okay.  I'll put strawberry tree.  (knowing full well there is no such thing...and then all these images came up)

 

 

 

 

Me:  Hey! Look at that!  There is a such thing as a strawberry tree.  I never knew that!

 

So we had a short science lesson about the differences between strawberry plants and strawberry trees and the different berries produced.



A Phonecall From The School

Me:  If your teacher called me what do you think she would tell me?

Schatz (shrugs her shoulders): I dunno.

Me:  Think about it for a minute.  What do you think Miss Pollitt would tell me if she called me?

Schatz:  Dunno.

Maura:  She's asking if you were being good today or naughty.

Me:  No, I'm not.  I'm asking Schatz what she thinks Miss Pollitt would say about her if Miss Pollitt called me.  [To Schatz] What do you think?

Schatz looks at her feet.

Me: Well, Miss Pollitt called me today. 

Schatz:  Really?

Me: Yes.  Would you like me to tell you what she said? 

Schatz shrugs, but crawls into my lap.

Me:  Miss Pollitt called me to tell me what a delight you are to have in her class.  She told me that you are always helpful and you always help out your classmates.  She really enjoys having you in her classroom.

Schatz's eyes brightened and she was delighted...then she was suspicious.

Schatz:  Really?  Are you messing with me?

Me:  No!  She really did call.

Schatz:  Did Miss Pollitt really, truly call?

Me: Yes.  She called to say nice things about you.

Schatz:  No, she didn't.  Are you lying?

Me:  I'm not lying.

Maura (mouthing the words over Schatz's shoulders): Did she really call? Are you just kidding?

Me: YES!  Miss Pollitt really, truly called me.  I'm not kidding.  I'm really serious.

Schatz (smiling and straightening her shoulders):  Oh. She really called.

Meltdown

In the middle of a post sleepover meltdown (which ironically was not about blueberries) when her daddy made the tactical error of entering the room.

Schatz (taking exception to his presence): What are YOU doing in here?!? You don't even LIKE blueberries!!

Mad Guessing Skills

Schatz brought a pencil and a piece of computer paper into the kitchen and pulled up a stool at the counter.

Schatz:  How do you spell "dear"?

Me:  Which one?

Schatz:  "Dear Daddy"

Me: d-e-a-r

Schatz:  How do you spell "took"?

Me: t-o-o-k

Schatz:  How do you spell "water"?

Me:  w-a-t-e-r

Schatz:  How do you spell "bottle'?

Me: b-o-t-t-l-e

(silence)

Me: Schatz, you may not borrow your daddy's water bottle without his permission.

Schatz:  How did you guess?

Me: I'm a good guesser.  Here is your water bottle.  Take your water bottle instead of Daddy's.

Bathroom Humor

My sister was telling me the FUNNIEST story this afternoon on the phone.  She's been training kids to flush the toilet since the first day of potty training.  Her kids are 6 and 4.  She was cleaning up and Willow was in the bathroom doing something.

My sister:  I need you to flush the toilet, sweetie.

Willow (age 4):  It wasn't me!

My sister:  Okay. It wasn't you, but you were in here.  So if you see the toilet needs to be flushed then flush the toilet or else our house is going to smell yucky.

Willow:  I know, Mom.  That's why I turned on the fan.

Sweet Nothings and Absolute Loyalty

Maura left this note for her daddy to find while he was getting ready for work...

We Aren't The Cosby Family

We were on our way home from a vacation in Fiji when we got the terrible news that Roger's dad had died. I was giving Schatz a little pep talk because she really doesn't **quite** understand about death.  (For the record, I was looking for something along the lines of "family".  I would have also given full credit for "love" or "caring".)

Me:  Honey, your Daddy is sad and it's okay.   Just give him a hug and tell him you love him. He'd like that because what does Mommy say is the most important thing?

Schatz: Sunscreen.

Swearing Like A (19th Century...Scottish?) Sailor

Roger and I were playing around at the pool when Schatz came up...

Me: Dad's being mean to me.  He said the S*word!

Schatz (gasps): He did?

Me:  Oh, yes!  And he said the H word!

Roger: I did not!

Schatz (scandalized, but inquisitive): Which one is the H word?

Me (whispering in her ear): Homework.

Schatz:  I hope he doesn't say the B word next.

Me (pausing):  which one is the B word?

Schatz (whispering in my ear): Bloody Hell.**

* the S word at our house is "Shut up" or "stupid".  The girls get in trouble for saying either.

** Um...she didn't learn that from us. We do need to watch our mouths around the kiddos, but Neither of us say "bloody hell', where ever she picked it up it was still pretty funny.

Would That Many Candles Even Fit On the Cake?

Dad:  Can anyone guess what's happening next week?

Schatz:  It's your BIRTHDAY!

Dad:  That's right!  You are getting a treat!

Maura:  Hey! What about me?

Dad:  You are going to get a treat, too....If you can guess what day my birthday is!

Maura (pausing to think):  May 20th

Dad:  That's RIGHT!

Schatz:  Oh!  That was EASY!

Maura:  No!

Dad:  But can you tell me what YEAR I was born?
[LONG silence]

Maura (tentatively): um...1877?

Dad (talking over Mom):  Close.  1977.

Mom (talking over Dad):  Yes! 1877!