When Good Parents Go Gross

Maura was sitting on the bed watching Roger and me flirt with each other.

Roger:  Don't touch me!  (playfully slapping my hand away)

Me: Oh...you like it when I touch you.  (Putting my finger on his back defiantly.) Touching...can't be mad.  Touching...can't be mad.

Maura:  You know that you are totally gross, right?

Me: We aren't gross.  We aren't doing anything.

Maura:  I know what you are talking about doing and you are totally gross.

Me:  We aren't TALKING about anything.

Maura:  You two are so gross.  You are gross all the time.  (Hands on her hips.) You were gross ten years ago.

Me:  Well, only twice....that you can prove.

Maura (is hysterical giggles):  OH MY GOD!  YOU ARE SO NASTY!  You are both so totally gross!  MY EYES!  MY EYES!

Roger:  What do you mean your eyes?  You aren't seeing anything...shouldn't you be saying "my ears"?

Me (to Roger):  I guess they are teaching Sex Ed this week at school.

Maura (in another round of hysterical giggles):  MY EARS!  MY EARS!  OH MY GOD!  DON'T EVEN SAY THAT WORD!  MY PARENTS ARE SO GROSS! YOU ARE SO EMBARASSING!

The Last Drumstick

Maura:  Can I have the last ice cream cone?

Dad: No. 

Maura:  Why not?

Dad: There are four in a pack, right?

Maura: Yes.

Dad:  We each had one last night so there's one left, right?

Maura:  Yes.

Roger:  Well, there are two of you (kids) and only one of me.  I'm going to eat the last cone.

Maura: You can't.

Dad: Why not?

Maura:  Because mom says the first thing she's going to do when she's not fat* is eat a Drumstick.  That's Mom's ice cream.

Me: I can hear you!  I'm sitting right here!

*Disclaimer: What I actually said was that when I get my Weight Watcher's Lifetime Membership I was going to treat myself to a Drumstick because it was the only thing I've really missed.

Car Pool

We do carpool these days.  The girls ride to school with Katie (Kinsey) and her son rides home with me.  Earlier this week...

Maura (calling down the hallway):  Miss Katie's here!

Schatz (jumping up and down as the Kinseys' Jeep pulls up): Miss Katie's here!  Miss Katie's here!

Schatz grabs her backpack and follows her sister outside to the driveway.   I was doing something in the back of the house so I was coming into the front room when Schatz came back into the house moping and head sadly drooping.

Schatz (throwing her backpack down on the couch):  It's not Katie yet.  It's just Mr. Kinsey.

Me:  Well, grab your backpack. Mr. Kinsey must be driving you to school today.

Schatz (perks up at the possibilities): Really?

Me:  Yep.  Let's go.

Schatz grabbed her backpack and was OUT THE DOOR.

If Today is Fun Friday, What Should We Call Thursday?

Schatz has swim lessons on Fridays.  Last Friday the leisure pool was closed for cleaning.  Schatz overheard her swim teacher telling me that the last six Thursdays in a row the leisure pool had been closed for cleaning and she'd moved her lessons to the deeper 25 meter pool which is tough because the littler kids can't touch the bottom. Today we were pulling up to the pool for her lesson...

Me:  Schatz, the leisure pool is closed again.

Schatz:  Will I still have my lesson?

Me: Yes, but it will probably be in one of the other pools.

Schatz (a little put out):  Why is the pool closed?

Me:  They are cleaning it out...probably somebody had an accident.

Schatz (stomping her foot):  Why did they have an accident today?  They are supposed to do that on Poop in the Pool Thursday NOT Fun Friday!

Interpreting P!nk

Schatz:  Can you turn on some music?

Me:  Sure.  What would you like to listen to?

Schatz:  Ummm.  The one where the girl can't find her husband so she decides to drink a beer.

Art Therapy

Schatz is NOT a morning person.  She was especially grumpy yesterday morning.  While I was packing her lunch box, she was sitting at the counter drawing in her sketch book.  Looking over her shoulder...

Me: What'cha drawing?

Schatz:  This is a girl who is mad because her mommy woke her up too EARLY.  She wants to be asleep!

Mom Gets A Favorable Review from a Tough Critic

Schatz (holding the bag like a Price is Right model):  Mom.  These were so good!  Did you know how delicious these were?  You have got to put these in my lunchbox everyday!!