Infidels!

We were walking out to the car last night.

Schatz: Are we going in Mommy's car or Daddy's car?

Daddy: Daddy doesn't have a car anymore. We only have one car.

Schatz: Where's your car?

Daddy: I sold my car so we can move.

Schatz (matter of factly): America stole your car, Daddy.

Reeses Pieces

Schatz (as she's putting a Reeses Pieces in my mouth): Open your mouth, Mommy, you're getting a candy. Nope, I'm getting a candy. (As she takes it away at the last minute and pops it in her own mouth.)

Schatz: Yummy.

Close Call

We were playing outside with the little boy next door. When he went inside Schatz realized he forgot his shoes.

Schatz (Covering her mouth with both hands): OH, NO! He forgot his shoes!

Mommy: Let's take them to him.

Schatz: I'll do it. (Goes to door and just looks at it.)

Mommy: Knock on the door.

Mrs. Sanchez answers the door.

Schatz says nothing, standing there holding the shoes.

Mommy: Say, Damion forgot his shoes outside.

Schatz: He forgot his shoes.

Mrs. Sanchez: Thank you so much sweetie.

Schatz: Welcome. Bye.

Mrs. Sanchez (to me): Thanks!

Mommy: No problem.

Schatz (Walking away from the front door, wiping imaginary sweat from her brow): Phew. That was close.

Gimme Five

Mommy: Gimme Five

Mommy (raising my hand): Up High

Mommy (lowering my hand): Down Low

Schatz (yanking HER hand away): NO! You're too slow!

Fine Art

When Maura was six, we took a trip to Paris. We pulled Maura out of school for a few days, but no worries, the teacher said she'd learn more about culture and history in Paris than in first grade. We saw the Effel Tower. We walked along the Seine River. We saw the Mona Lisa and the Venus de Milo. After we'd been in the Louve for about an hour, Maura sat down on a bench with her Daddy.

Maura: Can we go soon?

Daddy: Are you tired of the museum, honey?

Maura: Well, Daddy, I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but I'm kinda tired of looking at all these penises.

Oops, I forgot

Schatz (with a slight whine in her voice): I neeeeed a driiiink.

Me: What would you like to drink?

Schatz: Strawberry milk.

Me: Okay

I go into the kitchen and I start to prepare her cup of milk. As I reach for the milk, Schatz throws herself at the open fridge.

Schatz (the whine now at full throttle): Not that one. Thiiiiis one. (pointing at the pitcher of Crystal Light Raspberry Tea)

Me: I thought you said you wanted Strawberry milk.

Schatz pauses, laughs, and without a trace of whine in her voice says: Oh, yeah. Sorry. I forgot.

Silly Mommy

I was explaining to Schatz that we were going to move to Colorado. I explained that the whole family was going to ride on an airplane...

Schatz: We're going to ride on airpane today?

Me: Not today, Schatz. We won't ride on the airplane until after the movers come.

Schatz: The movers are coming?

Me: Yes, Schatz, the movers are going to come and put all your toys in boxes. They are going to put all of Maura's toys and clothes and stuff in boxes. They'll put the boxes on a big ship and take them to America so you can play with your toys in America.

Schatz starts to giggle and laugh like she's just realized I was pulling her leg.

Schatz: You are so silly, Mommy.