House Elf

The kids are on a school break.  Maura had gone to play with a pal.  Schatz was feeling restless and bored.

Dad:  Do you want to go play Bocce Ball in the backyard?

Schatz: No.

Dad:  What do you want to do?

Schatz:  Can we play House Elf*?

Dad:  What is House Elf?

Schatz:  Well, I will be your slave and do chores for you all day like a house elf.  If I do a good job being your house elf you will give me a dollar.

Dad:  What if you do a bad job?

Schatz:  Then you can fire me.

So we spent the afternoon and evening finding jobs for our little house elf to do.  Her daddy did give her a dollar, but after we were finished folding the last load of laundry I tossed her a sock.  The next few hours before bedtime was spent playing Freed House Elf in which she repeatedly told us that she WOULD do something for us, but she didn't HAVE to because she was a free elf.

*Let's hope JK Rowling's copyright protection doesn't include imaginary play acting.

Phew! Thank goodness someone put this back in the fridge! Waste not want not.  Besides the next person might only want about half a thimbleful of Lipton iced tea.

He Sees You When Your Sleeping...

We took the kids to Target to choose Christmas presents for each other.  We were sitting in the food court afterwards enjoying a Christmas hotdog and milkshake.

Maura:  Only eleven days until Christmas!!

Me:  And we have GOT to stop shopping!  I was finished with all my Christmas shopping and I STILL bought you each one more thing because I am so excited for Christmas. 

Schatz:  You know...we could just have Christmas early...

Maura:  Yeah! Let's have Christmas early.  Nobody would have to know!

Me:  I think Santa might have a thing or two to say about it.

Schatz:  Yeah.  Santa's always watching us day and night.  (pauses)  Santa is kind of a creeper.

She Assures Me That She Is Part Boy

I was doing a little online Christmas "window" shopping after the kids went to bed.  Schatz snuck up on me while I was looking at a Lego toy. Of course, I did what I could to be casual and cover my tracks.

Schatz:  Oh!  That's really cool!

Me:  Do you think so?

Schatz:  Oh, yeah.  I'd totally play with that.

Me:  Yeah?  You don't think it's a little too boyish?

Schatz:  Oh.  I'm part boy.  I would totally play with that with my friends.

Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage

Schatz: My friend at school says that you have to get married to have a baby.

Me:  Your friend is very wise.  Babies are a lot of work. It's better if you have a husband who can help.

Schatz:  Right, but you absolutely have to be married to have a baby?

Me: No, sometimes women have babies without being married.

Schatz:  But my friend says you can't have a baby without a wedding.

Me:  Well.  Babies don't come from weddings.  It takes a man and a woman to have a baby, but they are not always married.

Schatz: Can two women have a baby?

Me:  I suppose it depends on the women.  Sometimes two women can adopt a baby.  Sometimes they foster a baby. Sometimes the baby is from a previous relationship.  I can't really say.  It just depends on the family.

Schatz:  But how do you get pregnant without a wedding?

Me:  Well.  You don't have to be married to get pregnant.  If a man and a women have sex with each other, then sometimes the woman will get pregnant.  

Schatz (walking away, chuckling to herself):  Where you come up with this stuff?

YOLO

Maura and I were sitting on a bench in the Yeperenye Shopping Center when a teenaged boy walked by in a YOLO* cap on his head.

Me:  I hate YOLO.  It's the stupidest life motto.  Don't base your life decisions on YOLO.

Maura (sighs and pats me sympathetically on the knee):  I know, mom, I know. You live everyday.  You only die once.


*YOLO is a texting shortcut for You Only Live Once.  It is a stupid life motto.

No Such Thing as a Strawberry Tree

Maura and Schatz were in the kitchen cutting up strawberries for breakfast.

Schatz:  Did you know strawberries grow on trees?

Maura:  No, they don't. 

Schatz:  Yes.  Miss Pollitt was telling us about strawberry trees at school yesterday.

Maura (calling to me):  MOM! Do strawberries grow on trees?

Me (walking into the kitchen): No, strawberries grow on plants that are about this high.  (indicating a height roughly above my ankle.) Do you want me to show you a strawberry plant?

Schatz:  Yes.

I googled a strawberry plant.

 

 

 

Schatz:  Well, of course!  You put in plant. See?  (pointing to the search bar)

 

Me: Okay.  I'll put strawberry tree.  (knowing full well there is no such thing...and then all these images came up)

 

 

 

 

Me:  Hey! Look at that!  There is a such thing as a strawberry tree.  I never knew that!

 

So we had a short science lesson about the differences between strawberry plants and strawberry trees and the different berries produced.