Fessing Up

Maura: Aunt Gabrielle?

Gabrielle: Yes, honey.

Maura: I know why you got a flat tire.

Gabrielle: Oh, yeah?

Maura hangs her head.

Carter (sheepishly): We opened an umbrella in the house yesterday. So now we're going to have seven years bad luck.

Setting Back the Women's Movement, One Tire at a Time

We took the kids to the Aquarium today. When we came out, we realized that Uncle Jayson had a flat tire. Everyone was trying to help change the tire and the lug nuts were putting up a fight...

Maura: Your dad couldn't get the lug nuts off.

Carter: WELL, your mom couldn't get them off first.

Maura (sighs): Well, that's because she's a GIRL.

Make and Model

Aunt Gabrielle and Uncle Jayson were supposed to arrive between 2 and 3pm. At 5:30, they called to say they were 7 miles away...

Mommy: If you look out the window, you'll be able to see them arrive.

Maura: But I don't know what kind of car they are driving.

Mommy: Look for a white van.

Schatz: Maura, look for a white van that has my cousin Chase in it.

Indoor Plumbing...Our Latest Amenity

The plumbers came last Friday to fix a busted pipe. They turned off the water to the house and the kids got the job of turning on all the faucets until the pipes were empty. The water was only off for about an hour, but I guess the kids weren't paying attention when the water came back on. Saturday morning Carter (age 7) woke up with a touch of the stomach flu. I let him call his mom for some comfort.

Carter's Mom: Carter, be sure to drink a lot of liquids like apple juice. Popsicles are good, too.

Carter: Aunt Jamie doesn't have any apple juice or Popsicles.

Carter's Mom: Well, then be sure to drink water.

Carter (pauses and lowers his voice): Mom, they don't have any water either.

'Round Here, We Shoot Trespassers

My nephew Carter is visiting for about 10 days. He was talking to his dad on the phone last night, telling his dad about all the exciting animals we've seen.

Carter: We saw a snake in the backyard. Uncle Roger killed the snake, Dad. He cut it's head off with a shovel.

Dad: Wow, Carter.

Carter: And we saw a deer and prairie dogs, too.

Dad: Did Uncle Roger kill those, too?

Carter: No, Dad. THEY weren't in the backyard.

Hey, Geppetto, You're Never Gonna Believe This!

8:23 am

Mom: Why are you eating candy before breakfast?

Maura: I ate breakfast. I had cereal.

Mom: Oh, yeah? Where is the bowl?

Maura (looking me straight in the eye): I already washed it and put it away.

Mom (looking in the empty sink): I don't believe you. Put the candy away and eat some breakfast.

Maura (sticking to her story): I already ate breakfast, Mom, but I'll eat again.

Insert a conversation about lying and the consequences thereof. The amusing thing is that I remember telling my mother lies like this and then wondering how she could always tell I was lying. Now I know. Eight year olds are terrible liers.

On the Phone with Tech Support

His dad was on the phone and his mom was busy with something, so Harry (age 3 and potty training) let Grandma take him to the bathroom.

Harry*: Grandma?

Grandma: Yes.

Harry: Do you have a penis?

Grandma: No, Only boys have penises.

Harry: Does Daddy have a penis?

Grandma: Yes.

Harry: Does Grandpa have a penis?

Grandma: Yes.

Harry: Does Uncle Daniel have a penis?

Grandma: Yes.

Harry gets off the pottychair and runs into the living room where Daddy is on the phone.

Harry: Daddy! Daddy! Grandma says YOU have a penis!

*Names have been changed so that I can't be accused of blogging about my brother-in-law's boy parts.