Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Passion Of The What Did You Just Say?

This was an unsolicited explanation from the other room:

Schatz (calling from the bonus room): Mom.

Me (walking toward her voice from another part of the house): What?

Schatz: Before you freak out, we are going to NEED this big mess we are making.  We are doing a Passion Play for 'Frozen'.

Monday, December 30, 2013


On being told that Scotland is part of her heritage:

Schatz (scandalized):  I can't BELIEVE they wear quilts and no underwear!!

Friday, December 6, 2013

Jingle Bells (Aussie Style)

These are the lyrics to Jingle Bells from Schatz's Christmas Pageant:

 Dashing through the bush
 In a rusty Holden Ute
 Kicking up the dust
 Esky in the boot
 Kelpie by my side
 Singing Christmas songs
 It’s summer time and I am in
 My singlet, shorts & thongs


 Engine’s getting hot
 Dodge the kangaroos
 Swaggy climbs aboard
 He is welcome too
 All the family is there
 Sitting by the pool
 Christmas day, the Aussie way
 By the barbecue!


 Come the afternoon
 Grandpa has a doze
 The kids and uncle Bruce
 Are swimming in their clothes
 The time comes round to go
 We take a family snap
 Then pack the car and all shoot through
 Before the washing up


Saturday, November 23, 2013

More Musings from the Back Seat

This conversation happened last week.  I've only just gotten around to posting it.

JJ: I don't believe in God.

Me: Okay.

Schatz (scandalized): What!?! How can you not believe in God?

JJ:  I believe in science instead.

Schatz: Oh, yeah?  Well, I don't believe in science!  So there.

JJ:  Come ON!  How can you not believe in science?  That doesn't even make SENSE.

Schatz: God loves you.  And he's nice.  And I DON'T believe in science.  I'm going to believe in God and nothing else. 

This heated discussion went on for two or three more blocks until:

Me:  JJ?

JJ: Yes.

Me:  I don't think she knows exactly what science means.  She's just picking a fight with you.  It's okay if you both believe different things. It'll be okay.

JJ: Oh.  Okay.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Musings from the Back Seat During Carpool

Schatz:  Have you ever been to America?

JJ: Of course!  EVERYBODY knows I've been to America.  I was born in San Antonio.

Schatz:  Where was I born, Mom?

Me: San Angelo.

Schatz: I was born in San Angelo.

JJ: Haven't you ever heard of the Evolutionary War?

Schatz: No.

JJ:  It's the war we fought so that we could have George Washington as our president.

Schatz:  Nuh uh!!  Our president isn't George Washington.  Our president is named something Obama.  MOM!  Tell JJ that George Washington isn't our president.

Me (turning into the roundabout):  George Washington was our first president, but President Obama is our president right now.

JJ:  See!?!

Schatz (at the same time): I told you! 

Monday, November 18, 2013

Shoes and Feet

The school mornings around here are pretty typical.  A lot of "Did you make your bed?"  "Please hang up this wet towel."  "Is your room tidy?" and "Put your lunch box in your backpack."  So she was starting to be a little irritable when...

Me: Wrong feet.

Schatz:  What?

Me:  You are putting your shoes on the wrong feet.

Schatz (sighing in exasperation):  Well, I don't know what to tell ya.  These are the only feet I've got.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Roger Learns to Tell Time

Maura was at the school disco.  We were at home watching Man of Steel when....

Roger:  We can only watch Superman for thirty minutes then we need to turn it off to go get Maura.

Schatz: What time is the disco finished?

Roger:  Nine o'clock.

Schatz:  And what time is it now?

Roger:  It's eight twenty.

Schatz:  No.  I mean, what TIME is it?

Roger: It's twenty minutes after eight.

Schatz (getting upset):  NO-O-O!  I am asking WHAT TIME IS IT?

Roger:  I don't understand the question, honey. It's eight twenty.

Me (translating):  She's asking what the big hand is on.

Roger: The big hand is on the four.  We have to leave to go get Maura when the big hand is on the ten.

Schatz (obviously relieved):  Thank you!  That's all I was asking.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

What's the WORST word I can call my Mommy and not get in troube?

Me:  Go brush your teeth really good so that wobbly tooth will be clean for the tooth fairy.

Schatz walks back to the back of the house, but returns to the living room too quickly.

Me:  Did you brush your teeth?

Schatz:  I keep TELLING you....I don't want to brush my teeth until this wobbly tooth comes out.

(She has not "been telling me".)

Me: Come on.  We'll go brush teeth together. 

Schatz (dragging her feet):  Why do I have to brush TEETH and brush HAIR and takes BATHS?!?

Me:  Because I want you to smell nice for school.  I don't want you to be the smelly kid.  

Schatz:  You shouldn't say that, Mommy.  You are being so RACIST!

Monday, September 16, 2013

No Blood, Nothing Broken....Off To School

Schatz woke up a little early this morning and was playing with the dog while I was going about my morning "pre-kid" routine.  They were playing a little rough and Schatz got hurt.  She walked down the hall to find me and to tattle on the dog.

Schatz:  Mom.  I think Lucy (pause) might have (pause) broke my back.

Me: What happened?

Schatz: We were (pause) playing and she (pause) hurt me.

Me (lifting her shirt and looking at her back, but seeing no scratches or marks):  It must hurt pretty bad.

Schatz:  I think (pause) it's broken.  We'd better go to the (pause) hospital.

Me:  I'll bet it hurts, but there is no blood.  I think you'll be okay.  Dust yourself off.

Schatz:  You are seriously going to make me go to school?

Me: Yep.  I think you'll be okay.

Schatz (stomping away in disbelief):  I cannot believe you are making me go to school with a broken back.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

A Case of the Mondays...

We are in the "writing notes" phase of childhood.  From time to time I will find a note one of them has left for me on my bed.  Sometimes I leave notes for the girls in their lunchboxes. This is a note I wrote Schatz this morning...and her response.

She wrote "No I will not". 

Saturday, August 24, 2013


My husband's grandmother died earlier this week.   I broke the news to the kids the next morning.  Maura was taking it especially hard. I kept her home from school, a mental health day if you will.  Before she left, Schatz tucked a blanket around Maura's shoulders.

Schatz:  Are you okay?

Maura: My tummy hurts.

Schatz (hugging Maura):  I'll bet your tummy hurts because you are so sad.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Sick, But With Some Flair

I had to pick Schatz up from school this morning.  She's been fighting a bug for about 10 days now.  When I got to the school, she was curled up in the chair in the front office.  (There was another sick kid on the nurse's bed.)

Me (touching her forehead):  How are you feeling?

Schatz:  I feel yucky...like someone is stabbing my heart.

Me:  Really?  You feel like someone is STABBING your heart?  Is it a sharp pain or a dull pain.

Schatz: It really hurts.

Me:  You feel hot.  Stabbing pain?  If you are having chest pains we need to go to the emergency room.  That's a symptom of a heart attack. That's pretty serious.

Schatz:  Well.  It hurts, but maybe it's not in my heart.  It's more like my belly.  I think I have appendicitis.

Me:  Appendicitis?!?  That's not good. Do you feel yucky like you did yesterday?

Schatz:  Yes, like yesterday.

Me: Okay.  I'll take you home for a rest and give you a little Tylenol.  If you are still hurting in about an hour we'll call the clinic.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Dinner Conversation

Schatz would not stop talking about vomit at the dinner table last night.  She was excused from the table and sent to her room for a time out (and to give the adults a much needed break). After some time had passed...

Schatz: Mom?  Can I come out now?

Me:  That depends.  What are you going to talk about at the dinner table?

Schatz (as if she were asking a question): Unicorns and kittens?

Monday, August 12, 2013

No Paid Sick Days

Schatz is sick today.  She is staying home from school and has camped out on the couch...

Schatz: Do I still have to make my bed this morning?

Me: No.

Schatz:  Will I still get my dollar?*

Me:  No. 

Schatz:  But that's not fair!!!

Me:  I know, but you are not a salaried employee.  You only get your dollar on days that you do your chores.  You aren't in trouble.  You just don't get paid sick days.

Schatz:  I don't like that! That's NOT fair.

Me: A great many things in life are not fair.  Sorry, kiddo.

*At the beginning of the week, I put seven dollars on the kids' dresser.  If they do their chores they get to keep their dollar.  On mornings that they do not clean their room, make their bed, and pick up after themselves before school I take a dollar.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Santa's Workshop

The girls have been lobbying hard for us to buy them iPods and iTouches.  We told them that if they saved up their money and paid for half, we would get them iTouches for Christmas.  Honestly...I think the chances are about fifty/fifty that the money gets saved, but it sounds like a fair deal.  This is Schatz's strategy:

Schatz: Mom, can we write Santa a letter?

Me: What are you going to tell Santa?

Schatz: I'm going to ask him to bring me an iPad for Christmas.

Me: Sweetie, iPads are very expensive.  An iPad is roughly $700 dollars. I don't think you are getting one for Christmas.

Schatz:  No, Mommy, It won't cost us anything.  It will be free. Santa's elves will make it for me.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Critical Thinking

This is an excerpt from an unsolicited conversation started by our 10 year old. She's putting together information from three or four different conversations she has overheard over time.

Maura:  You're color blind so you couldn't fly helicopters for the Army.

Roger:  Yeah.  I couldn't fly helicopters because I'm color blind.

Maura:  But if you had passed that test, you would have gone to school with Tuc to be a helicopter pilot?

Roger:  Yes.

Maura: And maybe you would have been there the day he died.  Maybe you could have saved him.

Roger:  Yes, I wish I had been there so I could have saved him.

Maura:  But if you had become a pilot with Tuc you wouldn't have been with Coffield that day.  You couldn't have saved him.  (long pause) Coffield would have died instead.

Roger: (long pause) If I had become a pilot, I wouldn't have gone to Iraq with Coffield.  I wouldn't have been there to help save him.

Maura (softy patting his arm): Either way, you would have lost somebody.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Schatz's Dinner Prayer 2

Schatz:  Heavenly Father, please bless this food.  Did you know that I helped make dinner tonight?  It's going to be really yummy.  If you think you can stay for dinner please tell me now.  (opened one eye to look around)  I could get you a chair.  Amen.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Schatz's Dinner Prayer*

*sang to the music of the Addams Family Theme Song
na-na-na na (snap, snap)
na-na-na na (snap, snap)

na-na-na na
na-na-na na
na-na-na na (snap, snap)

We're hungry and we're thirsty
You wanna feel my tummy?
We know the food is yummy.
We thank you, Lord. Amen.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


Schatz always starts off the night in her own bed, but crawls in bed with us sometime during the night.

Me:  So, you know, Schatz, you are getting to be a  big girl.  When do you think you are going to start sleeping in your own bed all night?

Schatz (matter of factly):  I think after I loose my first tooth.  Yes, after I loose my first tooth I will be a big girl and will stop sleeping in your bed.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

When Children Start Correcting You...

To beat the boredom, we decided to make a list of things to do over winter break.  (We live in Australia.  Our seasons are mixed up)


--go camping in backyard or outback
--go to Telegraph Station
--make a pizza
--plant a letterbox
--family movie night
--play Monopoly
--play soccer
--bake cookies or brownies
--invite S over for play date
--make colored popcorn

Maura (reading over my shoulder):  You better not write colored popcorn, Mom.

Me (while trying to write down the next suggestion before I forgot):  Why not? 

Maura:  "Colored" is racist, Mom.  You really shouldn't use that word, but you can write what color.  That's not bad.

So this is our revised list:

--go camping in backyard or outback
--go to Telegraph Station
--make a pizza
--plant a letterbox
--family movie night
--rent a movie
--play Monopoly
--play soccer
--bake cookies or brownies
--invite S over for play date
--make colored blue popcorn

I could have taken this moment to explain context and how in this context, colored isn't referring to race therefore wouldn't generally be considered racist, but I'm kind of okay in living in the world where nobody calls anyone (or in this case anything) colored.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Bedtime Battles

The usual battle at bedtime had gone about twenty minutes longer than usual.  Schatz was calling for us, asking her dad to check on her, asking for another drink of water, asking for another story...the usual stuff.

Me:  No, I will not get you another drink.  It is time to sleep.

Schatz (innocently and with a slightly Australian accent): Pardon?

Me:  Good night.

Schatz (losing her temper and hitting the blankets):  You are doing it wrong. I am speaking Australian!  You are not being Australian!

***I think she was hoping I would come back to the bed, sit down, and explain the concept of bedtime (talk to her some more so she didn't have to go to sleep.)***

Me:  I am not Australian.  I am American and I am saying good night, Schatz.

Schatz:  You are such a (pausing to think of the right word) AMERICAN!

Friday, June 14, 2013

That's the Truth!

Schatz (spontaneously):  Oh, Dad!  I want to say a bunch'a bad words SO BAD!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

How Maura Almost Got Me In Trouble with Grandma

I was in the Army (stationed in Georgia) when Maura was born.  I found a really terrific in home daycare provider named Anne who was wonderfully willing to work around my schedule.  She didn't mind having Maura in the evenings or on the weekends.  She took care of Maura from the time she was 6 weeks until she was about three and a half.  Maura made herself right at home at Anne's house.  Anne's daughter doted on Maura.  Anne's grandchildren were Maura's playmates.  Maura called Anne "Nanny" just like her grandchildren.  Neither of us gave the situation much thought, we were both busy being busy, until one afternoon when I was picking up Maura.  Maura was about two years old.  Anne asked me Maura had ever mentioned (at home) that Nanny was black.  I said no, the subject had never come up.  Anne relayed this story to me:

Anne was in the back of the house when Maura started crying about something.

Anne:  What's the matter, Maura?

Maura (pushing a baby carriage):  I can't find my baby, Nanny.

Anne (handing Maura a baby):  Here you go.  You can play with this baby.

Maura (throwing the baby down):  Not that baby!  That baby is white. I want the BLACK baby.  My baby is black like you.

Anne and I had a good chuckle over this innocent, sweet child who just wanted her baby that looked like her Nanny.  Neither Anne nor I had realized that Maura would eventually notice the difference in the colors of our skin.  The next time we were shopping, I asked Maura if she'd like a black baby doll to play with at home.  It quickly became her favorite baby.  This story became our favorite Maura story.  Anne told her daughter, her son in law, and the ladies from her church.  I told my girlfriends and my mom....who told my Great Grandmother.

Later that summer, we were in Idaho and we went to visit my Great Grandma.  The girls call her their Baby Doll Grandma because she had a collection of baby dolls.  They were displayed around her house.  Some of the dolls were expensive porcelain dolls.  Others were old rag dolls that the grand kids were allowed to play with.  We visited for awhile.  On the way out the door, Baby Doll Grandma took me aside and said that she had a present for Maura.  She went to the closet and brought back a little black baby doll.

Me:  Oh, Grandma.  Thank you.  Maura will love that baby doll. 

Baby Doll Grandma:  Your mother told me how Maura wasn't allowed to have a black baby doll.  I said to myself, if that sweet little child wants a black baby doll, well, then I was going to get her a black baby doll. 

 Me (knowing immediately what Grandma was talking about):  Grandma, nobody told Maura she couldn't have a black baby doll.  She just couldn't find her black baby doll.

Baby Doll Grandma (not to be dissuaded):  Well, now she has an extra black baby doll.  If Maura wants a black baby doll, her grandma is going to make sure she has a black baby doll.

Baby Doll Grandma passed away yesterday.  She was 96 years old.  We took this photo last summer.  It shows five generations of women in my family.  Grandma White Hair (my grandma), Baby Doll Grandma (my great grandma), Grandma Susie (my mom), me, and my girls.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Threats to Bomb It

Schatz (from the bedroom door):  Can I sleep in your bed tonight?

Me: No, sweetie.  You need to sleep in your own bed tonight.

Schatz (a tad dramatically):  But I wake up and get scared!?!

Me:  If you need us in the middle of the night you can come get us, but you have to sleep in your own bed.

Schatz (thinking for a minute):  But I'm sick!?!

Me:  You are changing the subject, Schatz.  You need to sleep in your own bed tonight.

Schatz (going back to bed):  I'm going to bomb it.  I'm going to bomb it all over my bed and then you'll be sorry!

Me: Do you need a bucket?  I don't think you will vomit, but I can get you a bucket just in case.

Schatz (stomping her foot in the other room):  No, I don't want a bucket.  I want to sleep in your bed so I won't bomb it.

Friday, May 24, 2013


It was Sports Day at school.  Maura was running and fell at the foot of a huge boulder.  The boy running behind her couldn't stop.  He stepped on her arm and vaulted himself up onto the boulder...or at least that's the best sense I can make out of the story.  At first she just said her arm hurt a little...but within an hour she was hurting pretty badly and had difficulty moving her arm.  Two hours out, the sling, ice, and Ibuprofen were doing nothing to help so we ended up in the ER to rule out a fracture.  The Triage Nurse dosed her up with an Aussie painkiller called Painstop (which is essentially Tylenol with codeine).

Me: Ah!  You are getting the good stuff!

Maura:  What's in the good stuff?

Me:  They are giving you codeine.  You'll feel better really soon.

Maura didn't say anything to that, but she looked skeptical. About an hour later, we were sitting outside of X-ray waiting for a room to open up:

Maura:  Mom?  I think this is a false alarm. I think I've wasted your whole night.

Me: Why do you think you wasted my whole night?

Maura: It doesn't hurt anymore.  I don't think any thing's broken and we've wasted the whole night at the hospital.

Me (leaning over and kissing her forehead): No, Maura. You aren't wasting my night, but I think your codeine just kicked in.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Puppy Love

Schatz has informed me that Lucy has a new litter of puppies...

Monday, May 6, 2013

Fun with Slang

Sitting at the table doing homework:

Maura:  Mom?

Me: Yeah.

Maura:  Could you run to the store and buy me some rubbers?  I don't want to keep asking Allie if I can borrow hers.  It's embarrassing.

...long pregnant pause as I collect myself...when in doubt, ask open ended questions...

Me:  Maura?

Maura:  Yeah.

Me:  Why do you need a rubber?

Maura (distracted by her math):  Because the one on my pencil always breaks off.  I like these much better. (She holds up a large pink eraser.) This one's Allie's, but I need to give it back tomorrow.

Me (crisis averted): Yes, we'd better go do that now so you're all set for tomorrow.

NOTE:  In Australia, "rubber" is slang for an eraser not a condom.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Things I Never Thought I Would Say (Until I Had Children)

"Did you want to 'ask' me or 'axe' me because seriously, kiddo, one of those is going to get you in trouble."  26 May 2014

"Schatz,  You have got to let that go.  I am no longer interested in discussing how it is your sister's turn to wash dishes today."  29 May 2013--after telling her several times that yes, it was Maura's turn to do dishes

"Stop touching each other. You are grounded off of touching each other for the rest of the day!" 

5 May 2013

"I am fairly certain that NOT buying you kids McDonalds does not constitute child abuse."  4 May 2013

"Did you want to "ask" me or "axe" me; because seriously, kiddo; one is murder." 12 August 2014

"Watching television is not a basic human right." 20 June 2015

"Did Merida ask the witch or did she ax the witch?  No, darling, I'm not kidding.  One is murder." 6 May 2015**

**Oh, yes.  I am beginning to see a pattern.

Be sure to visit this post again. Periodically, I will be adding things.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Schatz's Family Portrait

from left to right:  Maura, Dad, Mom, Schatz, and Lucy Dog

When Good Parents Go Gross

Maura was sitting on the bed watching Roger and me flirt with each other.

Roger:  Don't touch me!  (playfully slapping my hand away)

Me: Oh...you like it when I touch you.  (Putting my finger on his back defiantly.) Touching...can't be mad.  Touching...can't be mad.

Maura:  You know that you are totally gross, right?

Me: We aren't gross.  We aren't doing anything.

Maura:  I know what you are talking about doing and you are totally gross.

Me:  We aren't TALKING about anything.

Maura:  You two are so gross.  You are gross all the time.  (Hands on her hips.) You were gross ten years ago.

Me:  Well, only twice....that you can prove.

Maura (is hysterical giggles):  OH MY GOD!  YOU ARE SO NASTY!  You are both so totally gross!  MY EYES!  MY EYES!

Roger:  What do you mean your eyes?  You aren't seeing anything...shouldn't you be saying "my ears"?

Me (to Roger):  I guess they are teaching Sex Ed this week at school.

Maura (in another round of hysterical giggles):  MY EARS!  MY EARS!  OH MY GOD!  DON'T EVEN SAY THAT WORD!  MY PARENTS ARE SO GROSS! YOU ARE SO EMBARASSING!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

The Last Drumstick

Maura:  Can I have the last ice cream cone?

Dad: No. 

Maura:  Why not?

Dad: There are four in a pack, right?

Maura: Yes.

Dad:  We each had one last night so there's one left, right?

Maura:  Yes.

Roger:  Well, there are two of you (kids) and only one of me.  I'm going to eat the last cone.

Maura: You can't.

Dad: Why not?

Maura:  Because mom says the first thing she's going to do when she's not fat* is eat a Drumstick.  That's Mom's ice cream.

Me: I can hear you!  I'm sitting right here!

*Disclaimer: What I actually said was that when I get my Weight Watcher's Lifetime Membership I was going to treat myself to a Drumstick because it was the only thing I've really missed.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Car Pool

We do carpool these days.  The girls ride to school with Katie (Kinsey) and her son rides home with me.  Earlier this week...

Maura (calling down the hallway):  Miss Katie's here!

Schatz (jumping up and down as the Kinseys' Jeep pulls up): Miss Katie's here!  Miss Katie's here!

Schatz grabs her backpack and follows her sister outside to the driveway.   I was doing something in the back of the house so I was coming into the front room when Schatz came back into the house moping and head sadly drooping.

Schatz (throwing her backpack down on the couch):  It's not Katie yet.  It's just Mr. Kinsey.

Me:  Well, grab your backpack. Mr. Kinsey must be driving you to school today.

Schatz (perks up at the possibilities): Really?

Me:  Yep.  Let's go.

Schatz grabbed her backpack and was OUT THE DOOR.

Friday, March 22, 2013

If Today is Fun Friday, What Should We Call Thursday?

Schatz has swim lessons on Fridays.  Last Friday the leisure pool was closed for cleaning.  Schatz overheard her swim teacher telling me that the last six Thursdays in a row the leisure pool had been closed for cleaning and she'd moved her lessons to the deeper 25 meter pool which is tough because the littler kids can't touch the bottom. Today we were pulling up to the pool for her lesson...

Me:  Schatz, the leisure pool is closed again.

Schatz:  Will I still have my lesson?

Me: Yes, but it will probably be in one of the other pools.

Schatz (a little put out):  Why is the pool closed?

Me:  They are cleaning it out...probably somebody had an accident.

Schatz (stomping her foot):  Why did they have an accident today?  They are supposed to do that on Poop in the Pool Thursday NOT Fun Friday!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Interpreting P!nk

Schatz:  Can you turn on some music?

Me:  Sure.  What would you like to listen to?

Schatz:  Ummm.  The one where the girl can't find her husband so she decides to drink a beer.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Art Therapy

Schatz is NOT a morning person.  She was especially grumpy yesterday morning.  While I was packing her lunch box, she was sitting at the counter drawing in her sketch book.  Looking over her shoulder...

Me: What'cha drawing?

Schatz:  This is a girl who is mad because her mommy woke her up too EARLY.  She wants to be asleep!

Friday, March 8, 2013

Mom Gets A Favorable Review from a Tough Critic

Schatz (holding the bag like a Price is Right model):  Mom.  These were so good!  Did you know how delicious these were?  You have got to put these in my lunchbox everyday!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Explosives at Grandma's

While spending the night at Grandma's house, Heath* was trying his best to come up with a solid excuse NOT to go to sleep...

Heath (pointing at the heat vent):  But, Mom! There is a heater over here, I'm going to blow up! I told you! That ain't a good idea!

*Heath is my nephew.  He is five.

A Quiet Kid is Never a Good Sign

Willow* was being too quiet, so Grandma went to check on her.  She was at the bathroom sink.

Grandma: What are you doing?

Willow: Playing in the water, but I'm not wasting

* Willow is my niece, age 3.
**In my family, everyone is always telling our kids to turn off the lights so we don't waste the power (electricity).


Willow (age 3): I really miss my daddy.

 Willow's Mommy: Ok, lets call him.

 Willow (bursting into tears): I can't he's in jail!*

*My brother in law works for Elmore County, earlier in the day Willow and her Mommy had swung by his work to kiss him goodbye on the way to Grandma's house. They'd been told he was over at the jail doing some maintenance.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Keeper of Secrets...Not So Much

Schatz doesn't have school on Wednesdays for the whole first term. The Transition (Kindergarten) teacher visits each child at home once during the first term for some one on one time.  She plays with them, gets to know them, and will use her observations to tailor her lesson plans. This is a cool concept. The school was very specific...this is a play date.  It is not a parent teacher conference.  Don't bake any snacks.  Don't feel like you have to clean your house.  (yeah, right!)

Yesterday, Ms. S sent home a note letting us know she'd be stopping by for Schatz's play date this morning at 9:15.  So last night, after dinner, we did some extra tidying up.  I vacuumed and made sure the kids' bathroom was clean.  However, I ran out of time before I could clean the bathtub.  So after Schatz's bath I asked her to close the shower curtain to hide the messy bathtub.

This is the conversation I overheard from the kitchen this morning...

Schatz:  Can I show you my beautiful curtain?

Ms. S:  Sure.

Schatz:  Isn't this beautiful?  It has fish.  It's the ocean.  I'm going to the ocean with my cousin.  We're going to see dolphins and turtles and go snorkeling.

Ms. S:  You are!!  That sounds like fun.

Schatz:  And look.  This beautiful curtain (the shower curtain swooshes across the rod to reveal all the toys, shampoo bottles, sandy bottom, and a ring of dirt) also hides a messy bathtub when you are too busy to clean.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Six in One Hand And Some Nonsense About Half a Dozen

I'm an early riser.  I get a lot done before the kids get up.  This morning...Kaitlyn got up early with me and followed me from room to room chatting...

Schatz:  Will you at LEAST sleep in on Mother's Day...whenever that is?

Me:  Why Mother's Day?

Schatz: So that me and Dad can go buy you some yummy donuts for Mother's Day.  (beloved family tradition)

Me:  Okay.  I'll sleep in on Mother's Day, but will you do me a favor?

Schatz:  What?

Me:  This year will you buy me some yummy strawberries or mango or some fruit instead of  donuts?

Schatz:  Why would we do that?  No.  I think we'll stick with donuts.

Bless My Heart

I'd been starting a list (for something) earlier that day.  I got distracted and made a mistake.  So I tore that page out of my notebook and started a new list.  Later that afternoon...

Schatz (picking the paper up off the desk):  Oh, Mom.  Bless your heart.  Don't you know what comes after 5?

Friday, February 1, 2013


Friday afternoon school pickup; interrupting a pleasant "How was your day" type conversation...

Schatz (frantically):  Where's my backpack?  I LOST it!

Me:  I put it in the trunk with Maura's backpack.

Schatz (starting to melt down): Don't PUT it there!  ARGH!  I don't LIKE it in the trunk!

Me:  If you do not want your backpack in the trunk, can you think of a better way to tell me? Preferably a way that you are NOT yelling at me?

Schatz (tapping on the top of the trunk): --- .--. . -.  - .... .  - .-. ..- -. -.-

Me (mimicking her tapping):  What is this?  .--. .- - .. . -. -.-. .

Schatz:  That's secret code for open the trunk.

Me:  Do you mean Morse code?

Schatz: Yes, Mom.  That's Morse code for "Please open the trunk, Please."

Me (opening the trunk):  Fair Enough

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Life's Little Bummers

After watching some characters "jump" into the story on television...

Schatz:  Mom!  It's not working!

Monday, January 28, 2013

First Day of School

Transition (Kindergarden in the US) does not start until Thursday, but in a show of solidarity, school pride, and thinly veiled envy, Schatz got dressed up to take M to school this morning.  "Why is her uniform dirty already?" you may be wondering. Because Schatz has school spirit and is known to get into her FULL SCHOOL UNIFORM to grocery shop, check the mail box, or walk the dog. That's how she rolls.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Slumber Parties, Secrets, and Smoking Cessation

I laid down with Schatz for a few minutes while putting her to bed last night.  She was pretty delighted with this rare treat.

Schatz:  It's like we're having a slumber party!

Me:  Yep.  It's just like a slumber party, but I'm only laying here for a few minutes*.

Schatz:  Let's play slumber party.

Me: Okay.  Do you want to lay here and tell secrets?

Schatz: You first.

Me (pausing to think of something a five year old would find scandalous) : I ate the last slice of pineapple at dinner while you weren't looking.  Do you have any secrets?

Schatz (with the most solemn look on her face):  I caught Daddy sneaking a cigarette** yesterday.

*I actually fell asleep before she did.

**Roger's in the process of quitting.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Acclimatization of Schatz

Schatz:  Do you think it's cooler, Mom?  I love it when it's nice and cool* like today.

*It is noticable cooler today, but it's still 104°F. (It's been over 110°F for the past few weeks.) 

The Beauty of Crayons

Schatz (in a whisper as she lovingly lines up the brand new crayons):  Oh, Mommy.  Don't let Maura touch them. They are perfect.

The irony is not lost on me.  Schatz is my crayon breaker.  Maura is my rule follower.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Trouble with Homophones

Schatz: If you could be any aunt....which aunt would you be?

Me:  I'd be my Aunt Becky.

Maura:  I'd be Aunt Gabrielle.

Schatz: I'd be a honey ant, but I'd have a red butt.

Me (catching onto my error):  Why red?  Honey ants have yellow butts.

Schatz: My butt would have Tabasco hot sauce instead of honey.  I'll bet nobody would try to eat my butt then.

Friday, January 4, 2013

All the Purdy Girls

We were walking to Paula's house for lunch.

Me:  You sure are purdy today, Schatz.

Schatz:  What is purdy?

Me: It means pretty.  You look pretty today.


Me:  Is Maura purdy?

Schatz:  Yes, Maura is purdy.

Me:  Is Miss Paula purdy?

Schatz:  Yes, Miss Paula is purdy.  Do you know who else is purdy?

Me:  Who?

Schatz:  Miss Steffanie was really purdy at our BBQ Party.  (pauses...then draws out this last sentence)  Miss Steffanie sure is purdy.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

I see a box...she sees an opportunity

This box was used to move to Australia and to store Christmas presents.  It has been a "drive-in car" while watching Aladdin, a snail shell, and an art project. Today Roger is teaching Schatz the art of building an Acme trap...complete with tropical fish camouflauge...