House Elf

The kids are on a school break.  Maura had gone to play with a pal.  Schatz was feeling restless and bored.

Dad:  Do you want to go play Bocce Ball in the backyard?

Schatz: No.

Dad:  What do you want to do?

Schatz:  Can we play House Elf*?

Dad:  What is House Elf?

Schatz:  Well, I will be your slave and do chores for you all day like a house elf.  If I do a good job being your house elf you will give me a dollar.

Dad:  What if you do a bad job?

Schatz:  Then you can fire me.

So we spent the afternoon and evening finding jobs for our little house elf to do.  Her daddy did give her a dollar, but after we were finished folding the last load of laundry I tossed her a sock.  The next few hours before bedtime was spent playing Freed House Elf in which she repeatedly told us that she WOULD do something for us, but she didn't HAVE to because she was a free elf.

*Let's hope JK Rowling's copyright protection doesn't include imaginary play acting.

Phew! Thank goodness someone put this back in the fridge! Waste not want not.  Besides the next person might only want about half a thimbleful of Lipton iced tea.

He Sees You When Your Sleeping...

We took the kids to Target to choose Christmas presents for each other.  We were sitting in the food court afterwards enjoying a Christmas hotdog and milkshake.

Maura:  Only eleven days until Christmas!!

Me:  And we have GOT to stop shopping!  I was finished with all my Christmas shopping and I STILL bought you each one more thing because I am so excited for Christmas. 

Schatz:  You know...we could just have Christmas early...

Maura:  Yeah! Let's have Christmas early.  Nobody would have to know!

Me:  I think Santa might have a thing or two to say about it.

Schatz:  Yeah.  Santa's always watching us day and night.  (pauses)  Santa is kind of a creeper.

She Assures Me That She Is Part Boy

I was doing a little online Christmas "window" shopping after the kids went to bed.  Schatz snuck up on me while I was looking at a Lego toy. Of course, I did what I could to be casual and cover my tracks.

Schatz:  Oh!  That's really cool!

Me:  Do you think so?

Schatz:  Oh, yeah.  I'd totally play with that.

Me:  Yeah?  You don't think it's a little too boyish?

Schatz:  Oh.  I'm part boy.  I would totally play with that with my friends.

Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage

Schatz: My friend at school says that you have to get married to have a baby.

Me:  Your friend is very wise.  Babies are a lot of work. It's better if you have a husband who can help.

Schatz:  Right, but you absolutely have to be married to have a baby?

Me: No, sometimes women have babies without being married.

Schatz:  But my friend says you can't have a baby without a wedding.

Me:  Well.  Babies don't come from weddings.  It takes a man and a woman to have a baby, but they are not always married.

Schatz: Can two women have a baby?

Me:  I suppose it depends on the women.  Sometimes two women can adopt a baby.  Sometimes they foster a baby. Sometimes the baby is from a previous relationship.  I can't really say.  It just depends on the family.

Schatz:  But how do you get pregnant without a wedding?

Me:  Well.  You don't have to be married to get pregnant.  If a man and a women have sex with each other, then sometimes the woman will get pregnant.  

Schatz (walking away, chuckling to herself):  Where you come up with this stuff?

YOLO

Maura and I were sitting on a bench in the Yeperenye Shopping Center when a teenaged boy walked by in a YOLO* cap on his head.

Me:  I hate YOLO.  It's the stupidest life motto.  Don't base your life decisions on YOLO.

Maura (sighs and pats me sympathetically on the knee):  I know, mom, I know. You live everyday.  You only die once.


*YOLO is a texting shortcut for You Only Live Once.  It is a stupid life motto.

No Such Thing as a Strawberry Tree

Maura and Schatz were in the kitchen cutting up strawberries for breakfast.

Schatz:  Did you know strawberries grow on trees?

Maura:  No, they don't. 

Schatz:  Yes.  Miss Pollitt was telling us about strawberry trees at school yesterday.

Maura (calling to me):  MOM! Do strawberries grow on trees?

Me (walking into the kitchen): No, strawberries grow on plants that are about this high.  (indicating a height roughly above my ankle.) Do you want me to show you a strawberry plant?

Schatz:  Yes.

I googled a strawberry plant.

 

 

 

Schatz:  Well, of course!  You put in plant. See?  (pointing to the search bar)

 

Me: Okay.  I'll put strawberry tree.  (knowing full well there is no such thing...and then all these images came up)

 

 

 

 

Me:  Hey! Look at that!  There is a such thing as a strawberry tree.  I never knew that!

 

So we had a short science lesson about the differences between strawberry plants and strawberry trees and the different berries produced.



A Phonecall From The School

Me:  If your teacher called me what do you think she would tell me?

Schatz (shrugs her shoulders): I dunno.

Me:  Think about it for a minute.  What do you think Miss Pollitt would tell me if she called me?

Schatz:  Dunno.

Maura:  She's asking if you were being good today or naughty.

Me:  No, I'm not.  I'm asking Schatz what she thinks Miss Pollitt would say about her if Miss Pollitt called me.  [To Schatz] What do you think?

Schatz looks at her feet.

Me: Well, Miss Pollitt called me today. 

Schatz:  Really?

Me: Yes.  Would you like me to tell you what she said? 

Schatz shrugs, but crawls into my lap.

Me:  Miss Pollitt called me to tell me what a delight you are to have in her class.  She told me that you are always helpful and you always help out your classmates.  She really enjoys having you in her classroom.

Schatz's eyes brightened and she was delighted...then she was suspicious.

Schatz:  Really?  Are you messing with me?

Me:  No!  She really did call.

Schatz:  Did Miss Pollitt really, truly call?

Me: Yes.  She called to say nice things about you.

Schatz:  No, she didn't.  Are you lying?

Me:  I'm not lying.

Maura (mouthing the words over Schatz's shoulders): Did she really call? Are you just kidding?

Me: YES!  Miss Pollitt really, truly called me.  I'm not kidding.  I'm really serious.

Schatz (smiling and straightening her shoulders):  Oh. She really called.

Meltdown

In the middle of a post sleepover meltdown (which ironically was not about blueberries) when her daddy made the tactical error of entering the room.

Schatz (taking exception to his presence): What are YOU doing in here?!? You don't even LIKE blueberries!!

Mad Guessing Skills

Schatz brought a pencil and a piece of computer paper into the kitchen and pulled up a stool at the counter.

Schatz:  How do you spell "dear"?

Me:  Which one?

Schatz:  "Dear Daddy"

Me: d-e-a-r

Schatz:  How do you spell "took"?

Me: t-o-o-k

Schatz:  How do you spell "water"?

Me:  w-a-t-e-r

Schatz:  How do you spell "bottle'?

Me: b-o-t-t-l-e

(silence)

Me: Schatz, you may not borrow your daddy's water bottle without his permission.

Schatz:  How did you guess?

Me: I'm a good guesser.  Here is your water bottle.  Take your water bottle instead of Daddy's.

Bathroom Humor

My sister was telling me the FUNNIEST story this afternoon on the phone.  She's been training kids to flush the toilet since the first day of potty training.  Her kids are 6 and 4.  She was cleaning up and Willow was in the bathroom doing something.

My sister:  I need you to flush the toilet, sweetie.

Willow (age 4):  It wasn't me!

My sister:  Okay. It wasn't you, but you were in here.  So if you see the toilet needs to be flushed then flush the toilet or else our house is going to smell yucky.

Willow:  I know, Mom.  That's why I turned on the fan.

Sweet Nothings and Absolute Loyalty

Maura left this note for her daddy to find while he was getting ready for work...

We Aren't The Cosby Family

We were on our way home from a vacation in Fiji when we got the terrible news that Roger's dad had died. I was giving Schatz a little pep talk because she really doesn't **quite** understand about death.  (For the record, I was looking for something along the lines of "family".  I would have also given full credit for "love" or "caring".)

Me:  Honey, your Daddy is sad and it's okay.   Just give him a hug and tell him you love him. He'd like that because what does Mommy say is the most important thing?

Schatz: Sunscreen.

Swearing Like A (19th Century...Scottish?) Sailor

Roger and I were playing around at the pool when Schatz came up...

Me: Dad's being mean to me.  He said the S*word!

Schatz (gasps): He did?

Me:  Oh, yes!  And he said the H word!

Roger: I did not!

Schatz (scandalized, but inquisitive): Which one is the H word?

Me (whispering in her ear): Homework.

Schatz:  I hope he doesn't say the B word next.

Me (pausing):  which one is the B word?

Schatz (whispering in my ear): Bloody Hell.**

* the S word at our house is "Shut up" or "stupid".  The girls get in trouble for saying either.

** Um...she didn't learn that from us. We do need to watch our mouths around the kiddos, but Neither of us say "bloody hell', where ever she picked it up it was still pretty funny.

Would That Many Candles Even Fit On the Cake?

Dad:  Can anyone guess what's happening next week?

Schatz:  It's your BIRTHDAY!

Dad:  That's right!  You are getting a treat!

Maura:  Hey! What about me?

Dad:  You are going to get a treat, too....If you can guess what day my birthday is!

Maura (pausing to think):  May 20th

Dad:  That's RIGHT!

Schatz:  Oh!  That was EASY!

Maura:  No!

Dad:  But can you tell me what YEAR I was born?
[LONG silence]

Maura (tentatively): um...1877?

Dad (talking over Mom):  Close.  1977.

Mom (talking over Dad):  Yes! 1877!

Greatest Job Ever!!!

I recently took a (part time) job at the airport. I was trying to explain to the kids what I will be doing at work. The airport is small so some of my duties are on the Tarmac.

Me: I'm the lady at the counter who checks you in when you are going on a big trip. I might also be the lady who looks at your ticket and lets you board the plane. Some days I will get to help direct passengers to the terminal or to the plane.  

Schatz: Anything else?

Me: Maybe if I do a REALLY good job they will let me drive the little car that pulls the luggage. That would be cool!

Schatz (clearly excited about my prospects):  That would be so cool! Do you know the only thing that would be cooler?

Me: ...if they let me fly the plane?

Schatz (wrinkling her nose):   No. Not that. The only thing cooler would be if they let you be the lady with the SNACKS!  [the flight attendant]

Hide and Seek

 

We play Brain Quest from time to time when we find ourselves waiting somewhere.  Sometimes she gets on a roll and her answers are a little...outside the box.

 

 



Schatz:  The Hunger Games

She's a Carnivore...not a Vegetarian

After eating all the beef out of her "Rainbow Beef" (think sweet and sour beef) rice bowl...

Schatz:  I'm done.  Can I have some more of yours?

Dad:  Aren't you going to eat the rest?

Schatz:  No.  I don't like that stuff.

Dad (looking in the bowl):  You don't like green peppers? and pineapple? and rice?

Schatz (sighing deeply):  No.  I can't eat that stuff.  I'm not a vegetarian.

Overworked Much?

Maura has been doing her own laundry for a few weeks now.  From time to time an odd shirt or errant sock will still find its way into the loads I'm washing.  Yesterday...

Me (tossing Maura a sock):  Here.  Will you go put this away?

Maura:  A sock?  Master has given Dobby a sock?  Dobby is FREE!

The Olden Days

Schatz:  Daddy?  In the olden days, when you were a kid, did they have pens?

Not to be overlooked by a similar observation Maura made around Christmas when we were watching "It A Wonderful Life".

Maura:  Mom, I'll bet you were pretty happy when they started making movies in color.

Morning Cuddles

It's the first day of school.  When I went to wake up the girls I found Maura curled up in bed with Schatz.  I sat on the bed and rubbed their backs.  After some chitchat, Maura got up and left the room.  I crawled under the covers to chitchat with Schatz.

Me: Good morning, darling.  Maura was telling me a lovely story.

Schatz:  What did Maura tell you?

Me:  Maura said that you woke up last night, felt around her face with your hand, and then cuddled up and snuggled her.

Schatz (giggled):  I did.  Do you know what I was doing when I was feeling her face?

Me:  No.  What were you doing?

Schatz:  I was seeing if it was Maura or you.

Me:  You can tell who it is with your hand?

Schatz:  Yep.  I could tell it was Maura because you have a big, honkin' head.

Breaking Out The Piggies

To keep things interesting, both girls have been working through workbooks this summer.  Today Schatz was doing subtraction problems:

20-15=

Schatz (cradling her head in her hands and sighing):  I'm gonna need my feet for this.

Outed By My Own Blood

The girls were a little put out this morning because a friend was dropping by and I was making them clean up their stuff.

Maura: Why are you making us tidy up EVERYTHING?

Schatz (under her breath):  Because she doesn't want her friends to know we live like this.

Jumping Rope and Surviving

I just walked out onto the front porch to find Schatz jumping rope to Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger". Did her daddy teach her that? Did she hear it on my workout playlist?  Did she pick that song herself?  I didn't ask because it was too cute and she's entering a self conscience phase.