Parental Treachery

Schatz has decided that she is a big girl and should be allowed to walk when we are out shopping. Today we were shopping at Wal-Mart and she had gotten into trouble a few times for not listening and running ahead.

Mommy: Schatz, you have a choice. You can ride in the cart or you can hold somebody's hand.

(Schatz chose to hold her daddy's hand. A few aisles later Daddy reached onto the top shelf for something.)

Schatz (indignantly): You TRICKED me!!

Daddy: I didn't trick you.

Schatz: Yes. You. Did. (to Mom) Daddy let go of my hand so I'd have to go in the cart!

Daddy (equally indignant): I didn't trick you. Here, hold my hand. I won't let go again.

Schatz (suspiciously): Okay. Don't trick me again.

Christmas Accusations

Schatz (getting the cookies from the pantry): We need to leave cookies and milk for Santa.

Mom: No, honey. We aren't going leave cookies for Santa. It's not Christmas Eve anymore.

Schatz: Santa is going to bring me presents.

Mom: Santa won't come again until next year, Schatz.

Schatz: But Santa will be so hungry.

Mom: Santa isn't coming tonight, honey.

Schatz (stamps her foot): Because you not make cookies and milk!

Sneaky Like a Fox

Schatz was opening a present from Grandma. She tears the wrapping paper off to reveal a Britta water filter box.

Schatz: That's not for me.

She goes back to the tree for anther package.

Mom: Open the box, Schatz. Grandma likes to put her presents in boxes.

Schatz opens the box to reveal a pillow with a Moose on it.

Schatz: A reindeer! Look, Mommy. Santa's reindeer! (pauses, then laughs) Grandma is sneaky like a fox!

Stranger Danger Talk in Action

The phone rang last night and Schatz ran to answer it. On our cordless phone only one headset works at a time. She didn't realize her sister had already answered it upstairs.

Schatz: Hello. Hello? Who is this? Who is this calling? It's okay to talk, I not a stranger, I'm Schatz.

In Reference to Dinner Last Night

Dad: So, Mom says you've decided to be a vegetarian.

Maura: Yep.

Dad: Any reason why?

Maura: Not really.

Dad: You just don't like meat?

Maura: I really don't like meat.

Dad: Bummer. So no more steak?

Maura: Nope.

Dad: What about chicken nuggets?

Maura (starting to sound worried): Chicken is meat?

Dad: Yeah. So no more Chicken Adobo either.

Maura: Chicken Adobo is meat?

Dad: Yep.

Maura (after a moment of thought): I'm just going to be vegetarian against meatballs.

Mario Kart Referee

Daddy: Kaitlyn, Mommy just threw a turtle at me!

Schatz: That's no nice, Mommy. Say you are sorry.

Mommy: But I'm not sorry.

Schatz (more forcefully): Say you are sorry!

Mommy: But I'm not sorry.

Schatz: If you throw another turtle at Daddy I'm going call Santa and you'll be on the naughty list!

Exclusive Tea Party

Me: Were you helping Daddy put up the Chirstmas lights?

Schatz: No.

Me: What were you doing?

Schatz: I having tea with Baby Jesus.

Left-Handed Compliment

Maura: I really like your new purse.

Me: Thanks.

Maura (fingering the leather): Do you know what I like best?

Me: No, what?

Maura: I like that this part right here. It looks so....(searching for the right word)...trashy.

Me: Trashy!

Maura: You know what I mean.

Beethoven's Symphony No 5

Schatz: Will you sing the Giant's song for me?

Me: What song is that?

Schatz: You know. On Little Einsteins.

Me: What are the words?

Schatz: Duh, duh, duh, duhhhhhh. Duh, duh, duh, duhhhhhh. That song, Mommy.

Lawyered!

Me: Don't bring your toys in here. I'm cleaning my room.

Schatz: Why?

Me: I'm going to vacuum my room.

Schatz: Where can I play?

Me: You can play in your room.

Schatz: Will you vacuum my room, too?

Me(pausing for a moment): Yes, I can vacuum your room, too.

Schatz: Then I can't play in my room. I'll play in your room.

Wednesday Morning Status Report

Schatz (with Oreo cookie chocolate around her mouth): It's okay, Mommy. We have some cookies left. I checked.

Hustler

Roger's iTouch has been missing for two days.

Mom: Where's Dad's iTouch?

Schatz: I don't know.

Maura: I don't know.

Kids help me look for the iTouch for a few minutes.

Mom: I will give a dollar to the first girl who finds Dad's iTouch.

Schatz: I'll be right back.

Schatz (from upstairs): I found it!

Mom (as Schatz hands it over): Where did you find it?

Schatz: In my packpack.

Schatz's Pronunciation Dictionary

dam∙pire: vampire

dirt∙tay: birthday

falled eagle: Bald Eagle

noo∙ni∙corn: unicorn

pack∙pack: backpack

pup∙cake: cupcake

sam∙mitch: sandwich

swim∙soup: swimming suit

Alladin's Little Helper

Schatz (to the garage door): Open Sesame Street!

Studying the Egg Carton

Schatz: There are no baby birds in these eggs.

Me: What are in those eggs?

Schatz: my breakfast

Teddy's Affections

Me: Did you know that your Daddy bought me that Teddy Bear in Kuwait before you were born?

Schatz: Why?

Me: Because he loves me very much.

Schatz: No, he no like you. That's my Teddy.

Calming the Masses

Schatz walks in the kitchen, arms out stretched, and announces, "Everything is alright. I went potty."

Thoughtful Prayer

Schatz: Mommy, make your praying hands.

I make my praying hands.

Schatz (bowing her head): Thank you for my toys. Please bring Grandma. Amen.

Triage

Schatz: No work, Daddy, stay home.

Daddy: I'm not going to work. I have to go to the doctor today.

Schatz (hands on hips): Did you eat a penny?

Icky Spider Ring

Schatz: Let me show you something. (opening her hands to reveal a Halloween Spider Ring)

Me (playing along): Eek! An icky spider! (playfully slapping at the ring)

Schatz: It's not a icky spider. It's my friend spider.

Me: What's your spider's name?

Schatz: Charlotte.

Kids Are Very Literal

Aunt Gabrielle and Uncle Jayson made Maura a magnet board for her room. I picked out a quote to go on the wooden frame. The quote is: To the world you may be one person, but to one person you are the world. We explained what it means to Maura. Last night she took her dad aside

Maura: Okay, you can tell me the truth. Who thinks I'm the world, you or Mom?

Songtress

Singing this little ditty to herself as she pranced around the living room.

Schatz: I'm gonna see my Cou-ou-ou-sin. I'm gonna play with her t-o-o-oys

Critiquing Oz

Me: What happened?

Schatz (taking my hand): Don't worry, Mommy. There is a bubble coming with a Princess.

Me: The Good Witch of the North?

Schatz: Yes, Mommy, the Bubble Princess Witch.

Mom Says Yes.

Schatz (comes upstairs): Daddy is going to make me ice cream.

Me (playing along): Yummy. What kind of ice cream is Daddy making?

Schatz: Chocolate.

Me: Hmmmm. That's my favorite.

Schatz (going back down stairs): Mom says yes, Schatz can have ice cream.

Dad: It's too early for ice cream. We're not having ice cream.

Schatz: But Mom says yes.

Tattling on the Boys

We went letterboxing today. Schatz found an amazing "octopus" tree (it looked like an upside down octopus) that was amazing for climbing. There were three other little boy playing in the tree, too. They were playing pirates and Schatz was playing "Mad Queen". I was keeping one eye on the kids, but was mostly just enjoying the Indian Summer day when I caught wind of a conversation...

Schatz: You can't say that word. That's a bad word. I'm a tell Mommy.

Me (to Schatz): The boys said a bad word? (The boys were about four.) Are you sure? What did the boys say?

Schatz: Shit.

Boys' Dad (to me): He said he was on a pirate ship.

Scahtz: That's what I said.

Sh!t

Until today, my philosophy for swear words and toddlers has been to ignore it when your toddler says a swear word and they'll forget about the word. This philosophy worked with Maura, but Schatz's a little too smart for her own good.

Schatz (to herself as she's dumping the pebbles out of her boots): Shit, shit, shit!

Me: That's a bad word, Schatz, if you say that word again I'm going to spank your butt.

Schatz (looking me in the eye): Sh-sh-sh-sh (maintaining eye contact) i-i-i (I cock my head to the left and Schatz puts her index finger to her lips) Sh-sh-sh

Presents for Cousins II

Schatz woke up this morning with a mission. She called her cousin's house. It was the wrong cousin. And she hung up without talking.

Phone Rings at 7 AM

Daddy: Hello?

Uncle Allan: What'cha calling so early for?

Daddy: We didn't call...(to Schatz) Schatz, did you call on the telephone?

Schatz: I need to play with the present. Cousin said yes.

Daddy explains what happened to Uncle Allan, both have a good chuckle.

Schatz: I talk?

Daddy hands the phone to Schatz.

Schatz: Is it okay if I play with your present? Okay, bye.

Presents for Cousins

We are planning a trip home to see our family. So we are buying my neice and nephews little presents to help break the ice. Schatz REALLY likes the present we bought her youngest cousin.

Schatz: Will you open this? I wanna play with it.

Me: No, sweetie. That's a present for your cousin.

Schatz: He said yes, Mommy. (This is a present for a girl cousin)

Me: She didn't say yes, Schatz. She's not here.

Schatz: I called her.

Me: No, Schatz. That's a present for your cousin.

Schatz frowned, but let it go. She insisted on carrying the present around the store. When we got home...

Schatz (handing me the phone): I need to call my cousin, Mommy.

Me: It's awfully late to be calling your cousin.

Schatz: I have to ask her, Mommy. She say yes.

Seatbelts and Consequences

Schatz likes to wiggle her arms out of the straps of her carseat.

Me: Put your seatbelt back on. (She puts her arms back in the straps. I tug the clasp back up to her chest.)

five minutes later

Me: Put your seatbelt back on. If you take off your seatbelt again I'm going to take away your treat. (She puts her arms back in the straps. I tug the clasp back up to her chest.)

five minutes later

Me: Put your seatbelt back on. Give me your treat.

Schatz: No, no, I'm sorry! I'll put my seatbelt on.

Me: Sorry. These are the consequences. Treat.

(She hands me the treat. She puts her arms back in the straps. I tug the clasp back up to her chest.)

Schatz: I'm sorry, Mommy. I have my treat?

Me: No, you took off your seatbelt. We'll try again next time.

Schatz: Yeah. Maybe next time I'll leave my seatbelt on.

Negotiations

Schatz: Can I take a shower with you?

Me: Not today. Can Mommy take a shower by herself today? After my shower, I'll let you play in the bath. Okay?

Schatz: Oh, thank you, Mommy. You make my heart super happy.

Sisters in Arms

Me: Maura, please sign this card for Corbyn's Birthday.

Maura signs the card. Schatz picks up the card to play the music one more time.

Maura: That's not yours. That's for my cousin.

Schatz: Not your cousin. He's my cousin.

Maura (insulted): He's my cousin, too!

Schatz (to me): Tell her he's my cousin.

Me: He's your cousin, but he's Maura's cousin too. You share cousins because Maura is your sister.

Schatz: Okey-Dokey. (Opens the card to play the music one more time.)

Sleeping Beauty

Schatz: It's my turn! (The kids take turns opening the garage door with the clicker).

I hand the clicker back. Garage door opens and Schatz gives back the clicker. I get out of the car and by the time I open her car door to unbuckle her from her carseat...she is fast asleep.

Mom (playing along): Oh, my Schatz is asleep. I better be careful so I don't wake her up.

Schatz: No wake sleeping Schatz.

I carry Sleeping Schatz into the house. She even snuggles her face into my neck. I carefully lay her on the couch. She wakes up.

Schatz (stretching): That was a good siesta, Mommy.

Thoughts on Hiking

When asked if she wanted to go hiking:

Schatz: I'm going to pee pee in the grass.

Designating the Driver

Dad: Do ya wanna go bye-bye?

Schatz (clapping her hand and jumping up and down): Yes!!

Dad (tossing her the keys): Here you drive.

Schatz (hands on her hips and with an angry voice): No, Daddy, I not a good driver. You have to drive.

Dad is walking away from her to go into the other room.

Schatz (stamping her foot and raising her voice): Do you hear me, Daddy? I not a good driver. I'll bump the cars.

Dad (realizing she doesn't know he's kidding): Okay, Schatz, I'll drive.

Schatz (giving her daddy the keys): I have to get big like you. Let's go bye-bye, Daddy.

Scientific Classification

Schatz: I love ladybugs and flowers, but not flies. They are boys. And not bees because they sting me.

Dad: Are ladybugs girls?

Schatz: No, ladybugs are boys, but butterflies are girls. I love butterflies.

Nap Time

Schatz: Do I have to have a siesta* after I eat?

Me: Yes, you have to take a siesta this afternoon.

Schatz: I can't take a siesta.

Me: Oh, really? Why not?

Schatz: I can't love siestas, Mommy. I love playing with toys.

*I started calling naps "siestas" awhile back because she wouldn't cry when I said she was going to have a siesta.

Emergency Stash

We bought Schatz some new princess underpants the other day. This morning I saw her walking around the living room with an old purse that I gave her sister to play with. The purse was overflowing with her princess loot.

Me: Why did you put all your underpants in your purse?

Schatz: It's for my emercindy.

New Fun Game We Play Over and Over

Schatz: HELP ME, MOMMY!

Me: What's wrong?

Schatz: I can't see! It's too dark!!

Me: Open your eyes.

Schatz (opening eyes): I can see! Thank you, Mommy!

Me: Anytime.

(five minutes later)

Schatz: HELP ME, MOMMY! I can't see!

Nom De Plume

Me: I love you, Kaitlyn Elizabeth.

Schatz: I not Kaitlyn Elizabeth.

Me: That's not your name?

Schatz: That's my big trouble name. I'z Schatz.

Penny for your Thoughts

Schatz: (delighttfully as she looks at her X-ray) That's my money!

Mommy: What did you do with that penny?

Schatz: I ate it in my mouth and it's in my belly. They take my picture at the doctor. See...my money.

Mommy: Why did you eat the money?

Schatz: Because I can eat the money. See. In my mouth.

***

Later...

Doctor: Did you eat the penny?

Schatz: (nodding) Yes.

Doctor: Did it taste good?

Schatz: No.

Doctor: Are you going to eat the penny again?

Schatz shrugs her shoulders.

Tattle Tale

Daddy came home from work this yesterday....Schatz met him at the front door.

Schatz: I went pee pee on the potty. (pointing at me) Mommy put candy on your computer!!

Name Calling

Schatz: (Calling from the top of the stairs) Raaaaaa-ger.

Daddy: I'm not answering to Roger. My name is Daddy.

Schatz: Raaaa-ger, come here. I need a talk a you.

Daddy: I'm not Roger to you. I'm Daddy.

Schatz: Roger! I need you.

Daddy says nothing.

Schatz: (after a few seconds) Daddy!

Daddy: (walks over to the staircase to talk to Schatz) What Katie?

Schatz: I love you....(huge grin crosses her face)....Roger.

Just the Mother

Maura started school a few weeks late because of the move. I walked her to school yesterday morning to help her find some supplies she thought she was missing.

Boy in her class: Are you our substitute teacher?

Maura: No! She's just my mo-THER.

Ominous Warning (to the Childless Couple Dining One Booth Over)

Me: Good Job, Schatz.

Schatz: I tell Daddy my good job?

Me: Yes, honey, you can tell Daddy what a good job you did.

Schatz (yelling about four tables away from where her daddy is sitting): I went poopy, Daddy, I went poopy on the potty!

As any good mother would do, I averted my gaze as the eyes bulged out of the sockets of the cute (and obviously childless) couple one booth over.

Can't Argue With Her Logic

Mom: No, I'm not buying that. (Disney Princess Figurines from the Disney Store)

Maura: Why?

Mom: Because I've already bought that twice and I'm not buying it again.

Maura: But we love it so much that we play with it all the time. Of couse, it's eventually going to break!

Other People's Kids

Here are some funny things my friends' kids* said.

"Well, I feel like I pretty much know everything now!"
Kenny, (age 9)


When told to put his legos away, brush his teeth and get ready for bed. Andy (age 5) said: "But Mommy, my job doesn't end at 5, and there are so many distractions in my day--I have to work late."


"...Andy, don't jump off the furniture."
His response: "Don't worry, Mommy, I promise not to die without your permission."


Mom: I love you Harry.
Harry: Nooo, I don't want it!


*names have been changed to protect the guilty

My Patriot

First day back in America we all woke up at 2am. Jet Lag. We decided to take the kids out of the hotel so our neighbors could sleep. Upon hearing that we were going to IHOP for breakfast:

Maura: But it's the middle of the night.

Me: In America lots of shops are open all night.

Maura: AMERICA ROCKS!

Mama's Little Parrot

After a thirteen hour flight and almost 24 hours of traveling, we arrived at our hotel. The kids were pretty sleep deprived and juiced up. I was a little cranky. After some shenanigan or another, I was speaking very sharply with the girls.

Me: Kaitlyn! I said stop TOUCHING!!

Kaitlyn (holding up her hand and in a steady voice): Mommy. Calm. Down.

Career Advice

Maura: If I ask you a question, will you tell me the truth?

Me(sweating): Of course, what do you want to know.

Maura: Do you like the way I sing? Do I sound exactly like Hannah Montana?

Me: No, I don't think you sound exactly like Hannah Montana, but, yes, I like the way you sing. Why do you ask?

Maura: Because I love to sing, Mommy. I want to sing for people when I grow up.

Me: When we get to Colorado, we should see if you can sing with the choir at church. Does that sound like a good idea?

Maura (wrinkling her nose): I don't want to sing in the choir at church, Mommy. I only want to sing in rock concerts.

The Suite Life

We are in the middle of a move and living in a hotel for a few weeks.

Me: We're just like Eloise.

Maura (blank look on her face) says nothing.

Dad: We're just like Zack and Cody.

Maura (huge grin): OH! (runs off the play)

Riding the Alligator

Schatz: I want to ride the alligator.

Me: Okay, We’ll ride the elevator.

(On the elevator)

Schatz: I like to ride the alligator.

Me: Elevator.

Schatz: Alligator.

Me (slowly, over pronouncing) Elle-VA-tor

Schatz (slowly, over pronouncing) Alli-ga-tor.

Me: Like this, Elle-VA-tor.

Schatz (shrugging her shoulders): That’s what I said. Can’t you hear me.

That's not the answer I want

Schatz (while out walking Lucy): Where's Spooner? (Spooner is our neighbor's dog.)

Me: Spooner's at home.

Schatz: What?

Me: Spooner's at home.

Schatz: What?

Me: Spooner's upstairs with Andrea.

Schatz: What?

Me: I don't know. Where's Spooner?

Schatz: Spooner's at home, Mommy.

Infidels!

We were walking out to the car last night.

Schatz: Are we going in Mommy's car or Daddy's car?

Daddy: Daddy doesn't have a car anymore. We only have one car.

Schatz: Where's your car?

Daddy: I sold my car so we can move.

Schatz (matter of factly): America stole your car, Daddy.

Reeses Pieces

Schatz (as she's putting a Reeses Pieces in my mouth): Open your mouth, Mommy, you're getting a candy. Nope, I'm getting a candy. (As she takes it away at the last minute and pops it in her own mouth.)

Schatz: Yummy.

Close Call

We were playing outside with the little boy next door. When he went inside Schatz realized he forgot his shoes.

Schatz (Covering her mouth with both hands): OH, NO! He forgot his shoes!

Mommy: Let's take them to him.

Schatz: I'll do it. (Goes to door and just looks at it.)

Mommy: Knock on the door.

Mrs. Sanchez answers the door.

Schatz says nothing, standing there holding the shoes.

Mommy: Say, Damion forgot his shoes outside.

Schatz: He forgot his shoes.

Mrs. Sanchez: Thank you so much sweetie.

Schatz: Welcome. Bye.

Mrs. Sanchez (to me): Thanks!

Mommy: No problem.

Schatz (Walking away from the front door, wiping imaginary sweat from her brow): Phew. That was close.

Gimme Five

Mommy: Gimme Five

Mommy (raising my hand): Up High

Mommy (lowering my hand): Down Low

Schatz (yanking HER hand away): NO! You're too slow!

Fine Art

When Maura was six, we took a trip to Paris. We pulled Maura out of school for a few days, but no worries, the teacher said she'd learn more about culture and history in Paris than in first grade. We saw the Effel Tower. We walked along the Seine River. We saw the Mona Lisa and the Venus de Milo. After we'd been in the Louve for about an hour, Maura sat down on a bench with her Daddy.

Maura: Can we go soon?

Daddy: Are you tired of the museum, honey?

Maura: Well, Daddy, I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but I'm kinda tired of looking at all these penises.

Oops, I forgot

Schatz (with a slight whine in her voice): I neeeeed a driiiink.

Me: What would you like to drink?

Schatz: Strawberry milk.

Me: Okay

I go into the kitchen and I start to prepare her cup of milk. As I reach for the milk, Schatz throws herself at the open fridge.

Schatz (the whine now at full throttle): Not that one. Thiiiiis one. (pointing at the pitcher of Crystal Light Raspberry Tea)

Me: I thought you said you wanted Strawberry milk.

Schatz pauses, laughs, and without a trace of whine in her voice says: Oh, yeah. Sorry. I forgot.

Silly Mommy

I was explaining to Schatz that we were going to move to Colorado. I explained that the whole family was going to ride on an airplane...

Schatz: We're going to ride on airpane today?

Me: Not today, Schatz. We won't ride on the airplane until after the movers come.

Schatz: The movers are coming?

Me: Yes, Schatz, the movers are going to come and put all your toys in boxes. They are going to put all of Maura's toys and clothes and stuff in boxes. They'll put the boxes on a big ship and take them to America so you can play with your toys in America.

Schatz starts to giggle and laugh like she's just realized I was pulling her leg.

Schatz: You are so silly, Mommy.

Knocked Up and Other Nifty Phrases

When Maura was five I would walk her to the bus stop every morning. This morning we were having a rough start. Daddy was back in America going to BNCOC and had called a little latter than usual. So we were running late. Kaitlyn had a NASTY diaper right as we were walking out the door so we had to take care of that. Then Maura's nose started to bleed so we were flustered and I thought we were going to miss the bus and we rushed out the door. About halfway to the bus stop I noticed that Maura's coat was unzipped and it was COLD. Here's how the conversation progressed.

Me: Zip your coat, Maura.

Maura: I don't want to.

Me: It's too cold, Maura, zip up your coat please.

Maura gives me a sullen look.

Me: Do you want me to help you, Maura?

Maura: Yes

I get down on my knees to zip up her coat becuase I've got Kaitlyn (who is an infant) in a snuggli.

Maura: Mommy?

Me: Yes, honey.

Maura: I'm am really knocked-up.

Me: Do you know what that means?

Maura: No, but it's something REALLY BAD.

Me: It means pregnant.

Maura: Oh.

Me: Do you mean pissed off? Are you mad? (A phrase she'd heard the day before while playing with some older kids in the building.)

Maura: Yes, Mommy. I am started it get really pissed up.

So I explained to Maura that it was okay for her to be mad, but it wasn't really appropriate for a five year old to say things like pissed off and knocked up.

Maura: Okay. I won't say pissed off anymore...or until I am ten.

Beat the Heat

For this story to make sense, you need a little background information. In Germany, homes don't have air conditioning. Neither do a lot of stores and restraunts. This is not a big deal because usually there are only a few days in August that get really hot. A few fans is really all you need most of the summer. This is our third year in Germany and it's HOT! It's been swelteringly hot for about a week and a half. We've been closing the blinds and relying heavily on the fans and kiddie pool to beat the heat. A few days ago, we were in the car and I'd turned on the AC to cool us off.

Maura: This is nice, Mommy. They should make these for houses, too.

Manners Police

This morning I was throwing a baseball bat up in a tree to knock out a dog toy (don't ask). Lucy thought this was great fun. She was "fetching" the bat everytime it would fall and was running off with it.

So I would tell her in a deep, clipped tone, "Drop it!"

Schatz took offense, "No, 'Drop it' Mommy. Be nice a my doggie. Say, 'Please put that down, honey.'"

PCC's and PCI's

A girlfriend of mine used to be a swim instructor. A few weeks ago she offered to teach my oldest how to swim. Good times, since we've had two close calls because Maura thinks she can swim better than she actually can. So today was the first summer trip to the pool. I told Schatz we were going swimming as soon as her nap was finished.

Schatz: Does Henry have a soup?

Me: Yes, Henry has a swimming suit.

Schatz: Does Oliver have a soup?

Me: Yes, Oliver has a swimming suit?

Schatz: Does Edith have a soup?

Me: Yes, Edith has a swimming suit.

Schatz: Does Maura have a soup?

Me: Yes, Maura has a swimming suit.

Schatz: Does Lucy have a soup?

Me: No, Lucy doesn't have a swimming suit.

Schatz (hugging Lucy): Sorry, Lucy not swim today.

International Relations

Roger had a friend visiting from Austria. His name is Lukas. Lucy was being a little skittish with Lukas today. So Roger got out a tennis ball so that Lukas could make friends with our dog. Lukas tossed the ball very lightly. Schatz was apparently supervising the playtime.

Schatz (raising her voice): No, not like that! Like this!

She proceeded to grab the ball and gave Lukas a block of instruction by chucking the ball at him as hard as she could. Lukas throws the ball a little harder the second time. It bounces off the closet and rolls under the bed.

Schatz (hands on hips) yells: NO! No throw ball under bed. Lucy can't get!

Schatz wouldn't let Lukas play with her dog anymore. Lukas was pretty cool about it. After all, Austria is a neutral country.

Jumping on the Bed

Daddy worked very late last night. This morning I walked into the bedroom to find Schatz sitting on the bed next to Daddy, playing fetch with Lucy. Schatz was throwing the ball and Lucy was jumping onto the bed to bring the ball back to Schatz.

Mommy (pulling Lucy off the bed): Off the bed, girls. Let's go play in the living room.

Schatz: I'm playing with Lucy.

Mommy: I know, but Daddy is very tired. You can't play with Lucy on my bed.

Schatz (finger to her lips): BUT I'm not talking. I'm shhhh.

Bedside Manner

We were at the clinic today getting medicine for an ear infection when Schatz started playing with another little girl in the waiting room.

Schatz: This is my friend, Lila. She’s going to the doctor, too.

Me: Hi, Lila.

Schatz: Does Lila have an ear fection?

Lila’s Mommy: No, Lila doesn’t have an ear infection.

Schatz (to Lila, patting her arm): That’s okay, honey, maybe next time.

A Girl of a Certain Age

After you turn thirty, it is understood that you can shave a few years off. If someone is rude enough to ask your age, they understand that the answer you give them is merely a ball park figure. On the other hand, when you are young you measure your age in fractions. I am six and a HALF. He is eight and three quarters. Zack is older than me. He is seven and eleven twelfths, but I am only seven and three quarters.

The other day, my oldest asked me why I told the man at the ticket counter that she was seven.

Mommy: Because you are seven.

Maura: Next time could you tell them I am eight?

Mommy: But you won't be eight until September.

Maura (in a very patient tone of voice): I know, Mom, but being seven is so EMBARRASSING.

Schatz

Schatz (pronounced shot-zee) means treasure in German. It is used like the term sweetie or honey in English. It's the nickname we've given our daughter Kaitlyn. She will correct you if she thinks you are calling her the wrong name.

Me: Oh, you are such a good girl.

Schatz: I no good girl, Mommy. I'm Schatz.

Kennel the Kids

Sometimes you've got errands to run, but your kids don't want to co-operate. That happens a lot at my house. One morning I was trying to get to the grocery store. I told Schatz to go get her shoes. She disappeared to the back of the house while I gathered my list, my wallet, my diaper bag. When I went looking for Schatz, I found her in the dog's kennel.

Me: Schatz, let's go to the store. We need to go buy some snacks.

Schatz: No, Mommy, no go grocery store.

Me: You have to go to the grocery store. You are too little to stay home by yourself.

Schatz: I not alone. I stay with Lucy.

Me: Come out of the kennel, please. I've got to put Lucy in the kennel so we can go bye-bye.

Schatz: You not hear me. (Putting her hand to her ear) Listen, mommy. I stay in kennel with Lucy. I no grocery store.

It seemed like a reasonable solution to the two year old...not so much to the MP's, I'm sure.

Kangaroo Poo

We took our Golden Retriever outside today to do her business. As she was hunched over trying to go, Schatz was in her face poking her and trying to love on her.

Me: Leave Lucy alone. She's going potty.

Schatz: She no go poo. She's a kangaroo, mommy.

Wouldn't you know, she does look like a kangaroo.