Isn't Blood Supposed to be Thicker than Water?

My cousin Will is getting married next month. Both girls are very, VERY excited so the lucky couple are a hot topic around our house these days. This is one of the more amusing conversations that unfolded:

Maura: Do you think Will likes Anita?

Me: Yes, I think Will likes Anita.

Maura: But do you think he likes LIKES Anita?

Me: Yes, I do.

Maura is still in deep thought.

Me (throwing Will under the bus): You can ask him when we visit.

Maura (rolls her eyes): Yeah, right. Like he'd tell ME if he didn't really like like her. He KNOWS I would go STRAIGHT to Anita and tell her.

Roger: What if Anita told you she wasn't sure if she like LIKED Will? Would you go straight to Will and tell him?

Maura (answering a little too quickly): No.

Roger: That's not fair!

Maura (shrugging her shoulders): Anita's my girl.

Box Tops

In our family, we save boxes in November and December. When we're wrapping Christmas presents we'll put the oddly shaped presents into boxes before wrapping them. This makes it easier to wrap and harder to guess what's inside.

Maura (handing me the box after opening her present): OH, LOOK! Grandma sent you a Box Top for Christmas, too.

The Reason For the Season

I was cleaning up the living room and looking for the the Nativity Scene Little People to put back on the table. I think Schatz must have been playing under my Christmas Tree again.

Girls and Driving...

My friend Lindsey's son (age 5) has to cutest mop of golden curls. He is so adorable. He came home from school yesterday very upset that some boys had told him his hair makes him look like a girl.

Lindsey: "That's OK, Cieran, in 10 years your curly locks are going to get all the girls, and the mean boys are going to left in the dust."

Cieran (thoughtfully): "Well.... I GUESS that's OK, as long as I don't have to kiss any girls while I'm driving away and making dust!"

No False Modesty for This Skater

We took the girls ice skating for the first time yesterday. Schatz really struggled with her balance, but Maura (who roller blades) was a natural. In no time at all she was zipping around the rink and doing little turns.

Me: You are a rock star, Maura. You are skating so well!

Maura: Well, the guy that works here told me that it's easier to skate if you don't think about what you are doing and just think about something that makes you happy.

Me: Is that what you are doing? Thinking of something happy?

Maura: No, I'm just really good at this.

Christmas Secrets

Everyone knows this is a busy time of year for Santa Claus. He has a hard time making it to every Christmas parties. This year Santa asked Roger to attend the Battalion Christmas party as Santa and report back what all the little kids in the Battalion wanted for Christmas. Knowing his girls would recognize him, Roger sat the girls down and explained the situation. He asked them to keep this Christmas secret so as not to ruin the party for everyone else.

As Santa was making his arrival:

Schatz (to the little boy standing next to her): I know a secret about Santa, but I'm not telling!

Having a word with Santa...

Roger, Schatz, and I were having lunch at the food court yesterday. Santa was visiting for a photo opportunity. It wasn't very busy so we had full access to the Big Guy.

Schatz: Is that the real Santa?

Me: You will have to ask him.

Schatz (to Santa): Are you the real Santa?

Santa: Yes.

They chat for a few minutes and we go back to our lunch.

Schatz: Mom, will you go talk to Santa?

Me: Why?

Schatz: Well, I need you to tell Santa that I am on the Nice list.

Me: He knows you're on the nice list.

Schatz: No, Mommy, I was being naughty last week, but this week I've been nice. You have to tell him to put me back on the nice list?

Me: I think you should tell him.

Schatz: He's not going to believe me. You better tell him.

Usually I would just chuckle, but Santa is no laughing matter so I put in a good word for her.

Those Better Not Be Magic Jumping Beans...

I got a call today from my neighbor Michelle. She's got daughters that are Maura's age.

Michelle: So. Maura told Julie that Roger brought home a mystical magic special medicine that made her cold go away. I just had to call and ask.

Me: Vick's VapoRub

Michelle (chuckling): Yep...That makes sense.

Holy Communion

Maura: Can we sit closer to the front next week?

Me: Why?

Maura: When I was trying to drink the wine it was almost gone. So I just pretended to drink, but I didn't really drink. If we were closer to the front, there would be more wine.

Me: You just have to tip the goblet back a little further.

Maura: But I'm afraid that if I drink all of the blood of Christ they'll be mad at me for not sharing Jesus.

Bring your wand...Expectations are high

On being told that mommy's friend April was coming to visit...

Schatz: Does April have kids?

Me: No.

Schatz: Does she have cats?

Me: Yes, but she's not bringing the cats.

Schatz: Who is April again?

Me: She's my friend, but she's also your godmother.

Schatz (eyes get really big): She's my FAIRY GODMOTHER!

Down Payment

We have a candy jar on the kitchen counter. When the kids are being naughty, sassy, rude, or break a house rule they have to put a piece of their Halloween candy in the jar. They don't get yelled at. They don't get grounded. They just have to pay up. It's working (sort of). Now I just shoot one of the kids a hard look and she cleans up her act...well, most of the time. This morning while packing her lunchbox...

Me: Toss a few pieces of candy in, too.

Maura (pauses): In my lunchbox or in the jar?

Me: Your lunch box.

Maura tosses some candy in her lunchbox then puts a few more pieces in the jar.

Me: Why did you do that? You didn't do anything wrong.

Maura (without even a hint of sarcasm): You can't watch me all the time. That's for what you don't catch me doing today.

Cat Callin'

Schatz had a great time trick or treating last night, but soon she asked to go home to hand out candy. She was really excited and couldn't hardly wait for kids to knock on the door so she asked if we could sit of the front step. Soon that wasn't enough either.

Schatz (standing at the end of our walk calling to kids down the street): Came get some candy. Who wants some of my delicious Halloween candy? YOU-WHO!! Come and get your candy!!!

At one point she was doing a little dance and singing a song about her bucket of candy. Holidays are so much more fun after you have kids!

She's on the Accelerated Plan

While driving to the grocery store this morning...

Schatz (sighs): I can't wait until next year when I am five and going to high school.

Me: Oh, that's right. Next year when you are five we'll be driving to kindergarten.

Schatz: No, not kindergarten. I'm going to go to high school when I'm five.

Even the Dolls Have Grown Complacent

Schatz was playing with her baby dolls in the living room this morning. The baby dolls were a pleasent conversation as far as I could tell when Schatz calls:

FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!

The dolls paused...then continued with their chit chat as if nothing had happened.

Ghosts and Zombies and Witches, oh my!

While laying in bed cuddling this morning...

Schatz: Can we watch a movie?

Me: What would you like to watch?

Schatz: The Walking Dead.

Me: The Walking Dead? You can't watch The Walking Dead!

Schatz: Why?

Me: It's too scarey for you.

Schatz: YOU watch The Walking Dead.

Me: And it scares Mommy. It's too scarey. It's so scarey it will make your hair curl!

Schatz: That's okay, Mommy. Schatz likes curly hair!

A "G" Rating in this House, Please!

Maura and Roger were sitting at the table this morning eating breakfast. I walked up behind Roger and kissed his ear, whispering, "I love you".

Maura: I know what that means.

Me: What does what mean?

Maura: When you kiss Daddy's ear. I know what that means.

Me: It means I love him.

Maura: Nope. It's a sexy kiss. It means you want to be sexy with him.

Me: Is that okay?

Maura: No. Mom, it's totally gross.

Me (in a resigned voice): Alright, I won't kiss your Daddy sexy anymore.

Roger: Heeeey! Let's not over react!

Exhibit A

Schatz: When we get to Australia I'm going to see a koala. I'm going to catch it and hold it.

Mom: You can't hold a koala, Schatz.

Schatz: Why?

Mom: Because koalas are wild animals and we don't touch wild animals.

Schatz: Nu-uh. You can so hold the wildlife. Look at my book. (Note: See photo below)

Schatz (as I look at the book): I told you. That girl can hold the Koala. I can hold a Koala, too.

Learning Foreign Slang

Maura was thanking Kaitlyn for something...

Maura: Dankeschön.

Kaitlyn: Bitteschön.

Dad: Ohhhhh, now you are going to have to learn Australian.

Kaitlyn: You speak Australian?

Dad: Yep, say: G'day, mate.

Kaitlyn: G'day, mate.

Dad: Now say: Shrimp on the barbie.

Kaitlyn: Shrimp on the bobby.

Dad: No, Shrimp on the BARBIE.

Kaitlyn: Shrimp on the BARBIE!! My Barbie does NOT like shrimp on her. That's gross!

Essentials in Dental Hygiene

I took the kids to the dentist this morning. Maura took her backpack so she could go to school after her appointment. Schatz asked if she could put a few Barbies in her backpack to take to the appointment. Upon leaving the dentist's office, I looked in the backpack to make sure we had both Barbies, this is what I found:

2 Barbies
1 Kodak digital camera (I was wondering where that went)
1 pocket Rolodex
1 tube of lipstick
1 small Yankee candle (sweet pea garden)
1 stick of gum (sugar free mint chocolate chip flavored)
1 golden retriever (Schleich plastic figurine)
3 pens

I've got to start frisking this kid before we leave the house.

Wedding Bells

Schatz (casually over dinner): Daddy, I bought my wedding dress today.

Daddy (after choking on his tea): Your wedding dress?

Schatz: Oh, yes, Daddy! Anita is marrying her boyfriend and I need a beautiful dress to wear.

(Side note: Anita is marrying my cousin Will. My children adore Will, but when he is not around Schatz refers to him as Anita's boyfriend.)

Couponing

Schatz made some coupons during nursery at church last week, but my four year old can't read. So I've been "reading" the coupons to get Schatz to do whatever I need her to do. "This coupon guarantees that I will put my shoes in the garage." oh "This coupon gurantees that Mommy can watch Grey's Anatomy for 50 minutes" and this one says, "This coupon guarantees that I will feed the dog."

Probably not in the spirit that church intended, but it gets the job done.

A Valid Choice

Maura: Mom, is it okay if I adopt my children?

Mom: Yes, I think that would be wonderful. Why do you want to adopt?

At this point I'm thinking I've done a wonderful job teaching my child to think of others and how wonderful it is that she's been exposed to families who have had positive and successful adoption experiences.

Maura: Well, Mom...(squirms uncomfortably) I don't want to EVER have sex. It's totally gross.

Mom: Sounds good to me. That is an excellent reason to adopt!

The Theology of a Four Year Old

Maura: Do you know what I love about Jesus?

Me: What do you love about Jesus?

Maura: Well, Mom, Jesus loves you. He loves you when you are naughty and making a lot of mistakes. He also loves you when you are nice.

Kaitlyn: Mom, is Jesus related to Santa Claus?

Entrapment

Roger had surgery last month. He's not allowed to lift anything heavier than 30 pounds for 30 days. To keep the kids from asking to be picked up, I explained that it was their job to tattle on their daddy if they caught him lifting anything heavy. It's working, but I just realized this morning that Schatz is setting him up...

Roger was helping Schatz brush her teeth. She was standing on the toilet so she could reach the sink. After they were finished:

Schatz (sweetly with arms out): I love you, Daddy. You're the best.

Roger pulls her up in a hug.

Roger: Aww...that's really sweet, Katie.

Schatz (while hugging Daddy, legs wrapped around his waist, she makes eye-contact with me): Bu-u-usted, Daddy.

A New Superhero Emerges

Schatz was helping us hang birthday decorations.

Dad: Can I have another piece of tape?

Mom: Yeah, just a second.

Schatz snatches the tape.

Schatz: I'll do it...because I'm (in an announcer's voice) TAPE-GIRL.

While Counting Princesses

Chilren rarely misquote you, they will repeat exactly what you said when you least expect it...


Schatz: One....Twooooo....Threeeeee (is momentarily distracted by the television)

Me: What comes after three?

Schatz (distracted and still watching the television): A spanking.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

It's been a miserable last couple of weeks. It's SO HOT and everybody is irritable, plus the girls are spending their free time picking on each other, teasing each other, and trying to finish driving me crazy. You would think that with school starting things would calm down, but I've been spending most of my afternoons and weekends saying:

"Stop touching your sister."

"Kaitlyn, stop repeating everything Maura says."

and

"Maura, putting your finger in front of her face and saying, 'Not touching, Can't be mad' IS teasing. Please stop."

If you have kids, I'm sure you can imagine. (If you don't have kids, I'm sure reading my blog reminds you to refill your contraception prescriptions.) After a particularly rough evening, I was sending the girls to bed early (to preserve their lives) when this happened:

Schatz (while spontaneously hugging Maura): Maura, you are the best sister in the whole wide world.

Maura (to me): You know, Mom, Schatz can really be a pain, but then she does something like this and it's all worthwhile.

Too Literal for Words

We are dog sitting and Bregan comes up in conversation a lot these days...

Schatz: Bregan is a Golden Retriever, like Lucy.

Me: No, Bregan is a Chocolate Lab.

Schatz (hands on hips): What you say?

Me: Bregan is a Chocolate Lab.

Schatz (shaking her head as she walks away): No, Silly. Bregan is not a chocolate. She is a dog. You are so funny.

Someone's Been Sleeping in My Bed

My nephew Heath is pretty much potty trained. He has gone for months without any accidents, but this morning, my sister found his bed wet for the second morning in a row.

Teresa: Oh, Heath! You're wet again!

Heath: I know, Mom! SOMEONE peed on me!

Bad Parenting: Exhibit A

This happened last winter, but for some reason I keep thinking about it today...

I was shopping with my Mom and Schatz in an open air mall where all the shops are on two or three blocks. Schatz had brought a Liv fashion doll to play with while I found a nice dress.

(Don't be ashamed. Google it. I'll still be here when you get back.)

At some point, I realized that the Liv Doll was gone, which was a problem because it's Maura's doll, not Kaitlyn's. The last place I remember seeing it was the Clear Water Creek department store...so we go back to see if they have it.

Me: In the last hour have you by chance found a naked Liv Fashion Doll?

Sales Lady: What kind of doll?

Me: It's a Liv doll. Like a naked Barbie, but bald.

Sales Lady: Bald?

Me: I wouldn't let her bring the wig. I was afraid she'd lose it.

Sales Lady chuggles a little. Looks in the Lost and Found, but doesn't find it. We look around the store, in the clothes racks, in the dressing room.

Sales Lady: Well, I sure Maura will understand if you tell her it was an accident.

Me (without even thinking): Oh, I'm not telling her. Are you crazy? I'm going to say: "Maura, I can possibly be expected to keep track of your things. Go look in a toy box."

Oh, yes, this is not one of my finer moments.

A Whale of a Tale

As heard while eavesdropping on a telephone conversation between Schatz and her daddy his morning...

Schatz: Daddy? Daddy. While Maura was getting her bike for school there was a spider in the garage. A huge, EVIL spider, Daddy. It was going to bite us with it's fangs. And Mommy wouldn't let us back in the house. But then she let us in the house. And she killed it with your shoe, Daddy.

(pause)

Schatz: No, it was EVIL I tell you. And hairy.


What actually happened....

Girls saw a spider (about an inch long counting the leg span) in the corner of the garage. Kids were fascinated. Mom got the ebbie-sceebies and killed it with a shoe. I'm a little concerned about the part where she told her dad that I wouldn't let her back in the house...hmmmm.

Establishing Boundaries

Maura got in trouble yesterday for lying. It really was a stupid lie, but it's not the first lie so we're enforcing the consequences. As a result, Maura has launched a counter offensive which consists of trying to drive us crazy in the hopes that we'll lift the restrictions. Here's a taste of my afternoon:


Maura: Can I just go outside a sit on the porch?

Me: No, your friends are outside and you are grounded.

Maura: I promise I won't talk to my friends.

Me: No.

Maura: I'll hide behind the tree. I promise. They won't even know I'm there.

Me: No.


Later...

Maura: My friends were being mean to me today at school.

Me: What happened?

Maura: They were telling me all the fun things they did while I was grounded. That's bragging. That's not nice.

Me: That's kind of a bummer, Maura.

Maura: But you should let me go play so that I don't feel left out...

Me: Nope. It's just one of the consequences of being grounded.

Most recently, when the phone rang:

Maura: I'll get it.

Me: Nope. You are grounded off the phone.

Maura: What if Julie has a question about homework?

Me: She'll have to call another friend.

Maura: What if Grandma calls and needs to talk to me?

Me: Grandma will have to call back in a week.

Maura (eyes tearing up): You would keep me from my Grandmother?

Me: You bet.

Newly Crowned: Queen of Sheba

Schatz: Mooooooommmmm!

Me: What?

Schatz: I need your heeeellllp! (At our house, this translates to: Come wipe my bottom.)

I go into the bathroom.

Me: Schatz, you are going to be four soon. Four year olds are big girls and have to wipe their own bottoms.

Schatz: But it's gross.

Me: Yes. It is, but you'll survive it.

Schatz (ever the skeptic): Well, I'm going to need more paper than THAT.

I hand her more toilet paper and step out of the bathroom

Schatz (under her breath): You ALWAYS make me do EVERYTHING!

Nearby Letterboxes

Mom: Roger, I can't find the DVR remote for the bedroom.

Dad: Is it under the bed on my side?

Mom: I looked there. I had it earlier this morning, but now I can't find it. I don't know if I lost it or if the kids took off with it.

Schatz: Did you look in my room?

Mom: Is it in your room?

Schatz: Yes.

Mom: Will you go find it for me?

Schatz: No, Mommy, I hid it. You have to go find it like a letterbox.

Dunk Tank....On Steriods

Roger is organizing a Family Day (Organization Day to our military readers) for his unit. This morning he was trying to describe a dunk tank to the kids...

Roger: There will be a big tank and Daddy will be sitting above the tank. They will give you two baseballs to throw. If you hit the target, I'll fall off the seat into the tank.

Maura: That sounds like fun.

Schatz: And there will be sharks swimming in the tank to scare you.

"Just Saying No" in Action

Roger quit smoking today. He has been unsuccessfully trying to quit for a long time. He decided that today was the day. To give the kids a chance to be involved in this process, we thought we'd let the kids tear up the last of the cigarettes and throw them in the trash.

Roger: I've got something for you girls.

Schatz and Maura: What?

Roger pulls the last two cigarettes out of the packet and hands one to each kid. Before he could explain what the cigarettes were for:

Maura (very solumnly): No, thanks, Dad. I don't smoke.

Kids Mimic Everything You Say

Schatz: Mommy, I have a job for you.

Mommy: You have a job for me?

Schatz: Yes, Mommy, I need you to put some more tea in my cup.

Random Conversation

Schatz loves dogs. She cannot pass a dog without stopping to pet it, kiss it, love on it...and chatter with the owner...I don't think she understands what a rescue dog is, but she didn't let that stop the conversation.


Schatz: Can I pet your doggie?

Random Stranger (walking her two dogs): Yes, They like kids.

Schatz: What kind of dog is it?

Stranger: We're not really sure. They were rescue dogs.

Scahtz: I have a dog. My Lucy dog is not a rescue dog. She is a Golden Retriever dog.

Osama What's His Name

I was having a random conversation with a boy (maybe 8 or 9 years old) at the pool today...

Me: Oh, yeah? How long ago was your dad in the Army?

Boy: I don't remember. But he was in the Army and had to go and look for...(pauses and tries to remember)...you know, that guy they just shot.

Me: Osama bin Laden? Did your dad go to Afghanistan?

Boy (snapping his fingers): Yeah, that's the one.

Fessing Up

Maura: Aunt Gabrielle?

Gabrielle: Yes, honey.

Maura: I know why you got a flat tire.

Gabrielle: Oh, yeah?

Maura hangs her head.

Carter (sheepishly): We opened an umbrella in the house yesterday. So now we're going to have seven years bad luck.

Setting Back the Women's Movement, One Tire at a Time

We took the kids to the Aquarium today. When we came out, we realized that Uncle Jayson had a flat tire. Everyone was trying to help change the tire and the lug nuts were putting up a fight...

Maura: Your dad couldn't get the lug nuts off.

Carter: WELL, your mom couldn't get them off first.

Maura (sighs): Well, that's because she's a GIRL.

Make and Model

Aunt Gabrielle and Uncle Jayson were supposed to arrive between 2 and 3pm. At 5:30, they called to say they were 7 miles away...

Mommy: If you look out the window, you'll be able to see them arrive.

Maura: But I don't know what kind of car they are driving.

Mommy: Look for a white van.

Schatz: Maura, look for a white van that has my cousin Chase in it.

Indoor Plumbing...Our Latest Amenity

The plumbers came last Friday to fix a busted pipe. They turned off the water to the house and the kids got the job of turning on all the faucets until the pipes were empty. The water was only off for about an hour, but I guess the kids weren't paying attention when the water came back on. Saturday morning Carter (age 7) woke up with a touch of the stomach flu. I let him call his mom for some comfort.

Carter's Mom: Carter, be sure to drink a lot of liquids like apple juice. Popsicles are good, too.

Carter: Aunt Jamie doesn't have any apple juice or Popsicles.

Carter's Mom: Well, then be sure to drink water.

Carter (pauses and lowers his voice): Mom, they don't have any water either.

'Round Here, We Shoot Trespassers

My nephew Carter is visiting for about 10 days. He was talking to his dad on the phone last night, telling his dad about all the exciting animals we've seen.

Carter: We saw a snake in the backyard. Uncle Roger killed the snake, Dad. He cut it's head off with a shovel.

Dad: Wow, Carter.

Carter: And we saw a deer and prairie dogs, too.

Dad: Did Uncle Roger kill those, too?

Carter: No, Dad. THEY weren't in the backyard.

Hey, Geppetto, You're Never Gonna Believe This!

8:23 am

Mom: Why are you eating candy before breakfast?

Maura: I ate breakfast. I had cereal.

Mom: Oh, yeah? Where is the bowl?

Maura (looking me straight in the eye): I already washed it and put it away.

Mom (looking in the empty sink): I don't believe you. Put the candy away and eat some breakfast.

Maura (sticking to her story): I already ate breakfast, Mom, but I'll eat again.

Insert a conversation about lying and the consequences thereof. The amusing thing is that I remember telling my mother lies like this and then wondering how she could always tell I was lying. Now I know. Eight year olds are terrible liers.

On the Phone with Tech Support

His dad was on the phone and his mom was busy with something, so Harry (age 3 and potty training) let Grandma take him to the bathroom.

Harry*: Grandma?

Grandma: Yes.

Harry: Do you have a penis?

Grandma: No, Only boys have penises.

Harry: Does Daddy have a penis?

Grandma: Yes.

Harry: Does Grandpa have a penis?

Grandma: Yes.

Harry: Does Uncle Daniel have a penis?

Grandma: Yes.

Harry gets off the pottychair and runs into the living room where Daddy is on the phone.

Harry: Daddy! Daddy! Grandma says YOU have a penis!

*Names have been changed so that I can't be accused of blogging about my brother-in-law's boy parts.

Hair Cuts and Other Forms of Butchery

Curled up on the couch with Kaitlyn and Maura:

Maura: I like Schatz's hair cut.

Mommy: It looks much better. It was getting too long and scraggly.

Maura: Did she cry?

Mommy: No, she didn't really care.

Later that afternoon, Schatz was trying on her dresses which fit great last month. Now they are getting too short...

Mommy: Your legs are getting so long, Schatz, you are growing up too fast.

Schatz (gasps and grabbing her legs): Oh, no, Mommy! You are NOT cutting off my legs.

Darn. I was hoping that was a stress dream...

...like the one where I'm giving a speech in Mrs. Neal's class and realize I'm not wearing any clothes. Nope, I actually said that out loud. Below is a short collection of things that I can't believe I said to one child or the other....this week.


"Because I don't think children should be questioned by the police without their parents. If he comes over here to get your side of the story, come get me or your father."
(Maura witnessed a fight at school and the police were called.)

***

"No, Schatz, it's private. I am not going to tell you if I'm going pee pee or poopie. It's not your business."

***

"SCHATZ! You are not allowed to peek under that door. We are in public and that nice lady needs her privacy." (In the Lowe's bathroom)

***

"If you have to preface the statement with 'not to be rude or anything' then you need to keep that statement to yourself."

***

"Saying 'no offense' does not make what you are about to say any less offensive."

***

After apologizing to the lady in the stall: "Kaitlyn, that is private. We don't ask strangers if they are going pee pee or poopie. It's private." (McDonald's Bathroom, but a reoccurring theme for this week)

Fridge Phonics and Foul Launguage

Mom: What does the D say?

Schatz: Duh. (Quickly covers her hands with her mouth). I said a bad word.

Mom: You didn't say a bad word.

Schatz: Yes, I did. I said Duhhhhh!?! (Shaking her body from side to side while saying Duhhhh.) It's a bad word like shut-up and stupid.

Mom: Well, it's a bad word when you say, "DUHHHHH" and you are being sassy. If you are just saying 'D says duh' then it's not a bad word.

Schatz (Pushing the letter D away from her): D says the bad word, Mommy.

Over the River and Through the Woods

Tail end of a conversation about a vacation we're taking in a few weeks:

Mom: So we'll drop off Lucy the night before. That way we can get an early start in the morning.

Schatz: Wait! Are you selling my dog?

Dad: We're not selling your dog, Schatz. Lucy is going to hang out with Miss Laura while we're on vacation.

Schatz: Is a vacation where they put your stuff in boxes and you live a new house?

Mom: No, that is a move. We're going on vacation to Grandma's house and to the ocean.

Schatz: Tomorrow?

Dad: No, in a few weeks.

Later that night after both girls had been tucked in...

Dad (from Schatz's room): Jamie, you'd better come have a look.

I came upstairs to find that she'd snuck out of bed and packed her bags.

Mom: But we're not going to Grandma's house for a few weeks.

Schatz: I can't wait that long.




Notice the red Ikea laundry hamper on the far right...it contains a turtle, stuffed Orca whale, her pillow pet, and every water dwelling animal the girls own. The bag in the middle contains a few sundresses, a pair of pants, and every pair of clean underwear that she owns.

Ocean Spray Bandit

Hearing a crinkling sound in the kitchen:

Mommy (from the front room): Schatz! What are you doing?

No Answer.

Mommy: Put it back!

I walk into the kitchen to find Kaitlyn pulling fistfuls of Ocean Spray drink mix packets out of a pillowcase and putting them back in the Ocean Spray box.

Schatz: (nonchalantly shrugging her shoulders) What? I forgot that they weren't mine.

Sweet Nothings

Kaitlyn: Mommy, wake up.

Mommy (opening eyes): Good morning, Schatz.

Kaitlyn: Why are skunks so stinky, Mommy?

Mommy (closing eyes again): I don't know, baby.

Kaitlyn: Open your eyes, Mommy. Why are skunks so stinky?

Mommy (opening eyes): I don't know. Why do you think skunks are so stinky?

Kaitlyn: Because they fart, Mommy, and farts are stinky. Skunk farts are really stinky.

Oozing Charm

When we go on base to the grocery store, Schatz likes to be in charge of showing the gate guard my ID card. It's her special job and the guards humor her. Today was especially charming.

Guard (looking at ID card): This doesn't look like you.

Schatz (giggles): Yes.

Guard: Do you get to be in charge of the ID card?

Schatz (shyly): Yes.

Guard: Well, you are doing a great job.

Schatz (smiles at him and shots him the finger guns): Thanks.

Guard laughs and gives her the ID card.

Schatz (yelling out the window as we pull away from the gate): Merry Christmas!!

Playing Doctor

Maura has contracted a rare illness that plagues many third grade classrooms. The symptoms are a non-febrile headache or stomach ache that present only on weekdays no later than 7am, but clear up by 9:30. The school nurse is no help. At the first complaint of stomach ache or headache she calls me to come pick up my child. This morning is the first morning that I've decided to play hardball.

Maura: I don't feel good.

Me (feeling her forehead): What hurts, honey?

Maura: My head and my stomach and my throat.

Me: Let's take your temperature.

Maura: Can I stay home from school?

Me: If your temperature is over 100 then you can stay home from school.

I pop the thermometer in her mouth and go back to my room to make my bed. After a few minutes the thermometer beeps.

Me (from the bedroom): What does it say?

Maura: 186! I can't go to school.

I walk back into the bathroom and turn the digital thermometer around.

Me: 98.1 Sorry, Maura, you are going to school today.

Maura: But that's practically 100!

A "Let Them Eat Cake" Moment...

A package came in the mail today from Cousin Bob. It was games for the family and we are all very excited.

Kaitlyn (getting more and more excited): Oh, OH, OH!!!!

Mommy: Cousin Bob sent you that.

Kaitlyn: Why?

Mommy: Because he likes you. Were you friends with Bob when he came to visit?

Kaitlyn: Oh, yes, Mommy. I was very kind to Bob. I let him read my books.


(Now, dear reader, she says she let Bob read her books, but really he was reading her books TO HER at her request!!)

Secret Life of the American Third Grader

Maura: Would you be mad at me if I was 16 and got (voice drops to a whisper) pregnant?

Mommy (cautiously): No, I wouldn't be mad at you.

Maura: Would you keep my baby or would you give it away?

Mommy (long uncomfortable pause): It wouldn't be my baby. It would be your baby. You would have to decide to keep it or give it up for adoption. I think I would try to help you no matter what you decided. Why are you asking me all these questions?

Maura: I was just wondering...Are you sure you wouldn't be mad?

Mommy: If you were pregnant it wouldn't be very helpful for Mommy to be mad, but I would be very disappointed for you. And I think I would be very disappointed in you, too.

Maura (in a high pitched, defensive voice): But, Mom.....It's not my fault!!

This was a great opening for yet another conversation about babies, where they come from, and why it's not something that happens to you by accident.

The Olden Days

Actual CSAP question from my third grader's study guide:

If you wanted to know about the desert would you look in:
A) an encyclopedia
B) the dictionary
C) an atlas
D) your English Language textbook


Maura: Mommy, what's an encyclopedia?

Mommy: It's a big set of books that have specific information about a topic. If you want to know more about a certain topic, you'd read about it in an encyclopedia.

Maura: Why wouldn't you just google it?

Mommy: Well, when I was a little girl, the Internet hadn't been invented yet. We had to look in the encyclopedia.

Maura (sounding devastated): Oh, Mommy, what did you do without your Facebook?

(Sounds of Daddy's laughter can be heard from the other room where he's been eavesdropping...)

Kids are Brutal!

We're reading a few chapters of Old Yeller every night. We're at the part where Travis was attacked by the hogs. Travis has patched up Yeller as best he can and pushed him into a makeshift shelter to protect him from any hogs that might return.

Mommy (tears running down my cheeks...in a low, serious whisper): Do you want to read one more chapter to see if Mama can patch up Yeller?

Maura (nonchalantly): Naw, it'll keep until tomorrow.

Family Dynamics

We were running errands the other day and Schatz was being difficult. Roger just needed to get one thing at the last stop.

Daddy: Is it okay if you and Kaitlyn stay in the car while I just run into the store really quickly?

Mommy: That's fine.

Schatz (protesting): NO! Daddy, I want to go in the store.

Daddy: Not this time. I'll be really fast.

Schatz: But you have to take me. I'm your little sister. You can't leave your little sister.

Daddy: You aren't my little sister.

Schatz (after thinking for a minute): Well, I'm someone's little sister!

Fair Warning

Schatz (patting my cheeck): Mommy...Mommy

Mommy (eyes still closed): Yes, Schatz.

Schatz: Wake up, Mommy. I have to tell you something.

Mommy (opening my eyes): What, baby.

Schatz: Don't say 'Good Morning' to me today. I'm very grouchy.

Nostalgic For Her Youth

I pulled out a box of Maura's clothes for Schatz to try on. She was delighted with the Hannah banana jammies (more widely referred to as Hannah Montana). Maura, with a look of longing, was watching Schatz prance around the room in her new night wear.

Maura (age 8): I wish I was a little kid again.

The Other Bob

After calling him "the other Bob" the entire weekend, today at the grocery story she points to a bag of Original Lay's potato chips and says

Schatz: These are Will's favorite chips. Hmmmmm.

Celebrity

Daddy: Eat the rest of your potatoes, Katie.

Schatz (laughing): You are so silly, Daddy. I'm not Katy Perry. I'm Schatz.

Taking Inventory

My grandmother passed away last week. Two counsins (Will and Bob) and my cousin's awesome girlfriend (Anita) flew into town to drive to the funeral with us. Schatz flirted and warmed up to everyone, but had a difficult time remembering everyone's names...

After gasing up the Expedition:

Schatz: There's cousin Anita, there's cousin Bob. (Looking around) Where's Anita's boy?

(side note: Will is 35.)



Randomly taking attendance later...

Schatz (pointing at each person): Mommy...Daddy...Maura...Cousin Will...Cousin Bob......(thinking for a minute)...Cousin Girl

Casting Suspisions...

We stayed together in a condo in Bear Lake. Will and Anita stayed in the room upstairs, we took the room downstairs, and Bob slept on the Murphy Bed in the living room. Schatz was up at the crack of dawn...

Schatz: Where's Bob?

Mommy: Bob's ironing his shirt in the living room.

Schatz: No, Bob is sneaking around.

Mommy: Bob's not sneaking around. He's just being quiet because everyone is sleeping.

Schatz: No, not that Bob. The other Bob. He is sneaking around upstairs.

Asking for Will's iPhone

Will and Anita have two dogs and a cat...which makes them practically superstars in Schatz's opinion. Bob has two cats and a dog...plus two kids very close to Schatz's age, but no iphone to show Schatz pictures, so he missed out on some powerful preschool status....ah, the power of marketing.

Schatz called Will's iPhone his Chica-wah-wah because Will showed her pictures of Daisy the Chihuahua on the iphone...

Whenever she asked to see the phone:

Schatz: Bob?

Bob: Yes, Schatz.

Schatz: No,the other Bob.

Will: Yes, Schatz.

Schatz: Can I see your Chica-wah-wah? I need to play my game.

Relevence?

We got home late last night...Everyone was tired. I let Schatz sleep in my bedroom on the floor. She wanted to "read" her book, but she has a bad habit of getting out of bed a dozen times a night before she falls asleep. So I was laying down the law:

Mommy: You may read your book, but you are not allowed to get out of bed. Stay in your bed or Mommy is going to take away your book and you will have to go to nigh-night.

Schatz: But Mommy...(trying to think of a good reason to get out of bed)...The two Bobs are sleeping upstairs.

They Are On To Me

The Children's Museum has a playground outside of it.

Schatz: Can we stop and play at playpark?

Mommy: We'll see.

Schatz (two minutes later): Can we stop and play at playpark?

Mommy: We'll see.

Schatz (stamps her feet): 'We'll see' means NO!

Mommy: We'll see. Let's ask Daddy before I say yes or no.

Maura (to Schatz): Stop asking or she's going to say no.

Bieber Fever

Schatz likes walking around Bass Pro Shop looking at all the dioramas.

Schatz: What's that?

Mom: a bear

Schatz: What's that?

Mom: a lynx

Schatz (walking across the bridge): What's that?

Mom: a beaver

Schatz: That's not a beaver, Mommy, that's a Justin Beaver.

Where Babies Come From...

My mother is visiting from Idaho.

Roger (to my mom): Do you mind if Jamie and I run down to the basement real quick?

Grandma (flippantly calling after us as we were heading downstairs): As long as in nine months you give me another grand baby.

After we were gone...

Maura (to Grandma): How are they going to do that?

Innocent, But Only On A Technicality

When we are getting into the car, I usually tell Schatz that it's "her job" to sit down in her car seat. Then I buckle her in and off we go. This is our routine and it keeps her from playing around in the car while I'm trying to get her loaded. Sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

Mom: Hop in the car, kiddo.

I got around to the trunk and load our stuff. When I came around to buckle her seatbelt, she was playing in the backseat (not in her car seat.)

Mom: Oh, Schatz, I'm so sad. You didn't do your job.

Schatz: Yes, I did.

Mom: You are not in your seat.

Schatz: You didn't tell me to get in my seat. You told me to get in the car.

Mom (pausing): You're right.

Schatz: Mommy, I'm very sad. You are supposed to say, (imitating me with a higher pitched voice) "Good Job, Schatz!" (back in a regular voice) You didn't say that.

Mom: Good job, Schatz.

Schatz: Thank you, Mommy.

Schatz sits down in her car seat.

Schatz: You can put my seatbelt on, Mommy.

Daddy's Little Coronary

Maura: What are you going to do when I get a boyfriend?

Mom: I don't know. I'll probably ask a lot of questions. Are you going to tell me when you get a boyfriend?

Maura (thinking): I'll probably tell you, but I don't know if we should tell Daddy.

Mom: Don't you think Daddy wants to know?

Maura (thoughtfully): Mom, I just don't know if he is ready to handle something like that.

Friends and Parents

Daddy (at the bottom of the stairs): Come give Daddy a kiss goodnight.

Schatz (at the top of the stairs): Mommy, I'm going to kiss my friend.

Mommy: He is not your friend. He's your daddy.

Schatz (insulted): Why he is not my friend?

I tried to explain that it's not an insult, but she remains unconvinced.

Before Her Coffee...

This morning I woke up before the kids. I was on the computer when I heard Schatz coming down the stairs...

Mom (perhaps too perkily): Good morning!

Schatz growled. No really. She growled.

Mom: I love you! Did you sleep good?

Schatz (yelled): I DON'T LOVE YOU! DON'T SEE ME!!

In The Eye Of The Beholder

Getting ready to go to dinner last night, I put Schatz's hair in pigtails and had just put in the last butterfly clip.

Mom: All done. You look beautiful.

Schatz: Not yet. (Wipes her nose with her handkerchief. Turns her head to the left and right to examine her pigtails.) Perfect. Now I'm beautiful.

Lectures and Ultimatums

As overheard from the other room:

Schatz, age 3 (to Maura, age 8): And I will let you play with my toy. And if you don't share nicely Schatz is going to take it back to the store. And then you can't play with me.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Getting ready for her afternoon siesta...

Schatz (whining): I can't wear my panties, I want a Pull-Up.

Mom: You don't need a Pull-Up for your siesta. You are a big girl.

Schatz (still whining): But I'm going to get my panites wet. I NEED a Pull-Up.

Mom (losing this battle) goes into the bedroom and brings back a pull-up.

Schatz (indignantly): You LIED to me!!

Mom: I didn't lie to you.

Schatz (like she's explaining the situation to a small child): You said no Pull-Up and now you are giving me a Pull-Up.

Mom: I changed my mind. I'm not going to fight with you. If you want a Pull-up you may have a Pull-Up. Do you want the Pull-Up?

Schatz (stamping her foot): You lied!

Mom (sighing): Do you want to wear panties or a Pull-Up.

Schatz chose the Pull-Up...As she was climbing into her bed.

Schatz (indignantly and under her breath): You LIED to me.

Covering Her Bases

Mom: Schatz, I've got a job for you.

Schatz: What, Mommy?

Mom: Will you take this baby and put her in your toy box?

Schatz takes the baby. Leaves the room and returns much too quickly.

Mom: Did you put the baby in the toy box?

Schatz nods her head yes.

Mom: Are you lying to me?

Schatz pauses, and then shakes her head no.

Mom: Kaitlyn, Mommy can tell when you are telling a lie.

Schatz (eyes get big): What did you say, Mommy?

Mom: Your nose gets a little bigger when you lie to Mommy. Now. Did you put the baby in your toy box?

Schatz (covering her nose with her hand): Yes, Mommy, I did.

Hasbro's Taboo...but with lunch

Schatz: Where are you going?

Mom: I'm going to wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen.

Schatz: And fix me lunch?

Mom: What would you like for lunch?

Schatz (Looking at the ceiling): Ummmmmm....

Mom: Would you like a sandwich?

Schatz: No sammich. Cheese!

Mom: Okay. Cheese. What else would you like for your lunch?

Schatz (looking at the ceiling): Ummmmmm...That thing that Daddy eats, with cheese, but like a taco...not a taco.

Mom: A Quesadilla?

Scatz: Yes, and milk.

Mom (walking downstairs): Okay.

Schatz (shouting from her room): Don't forget the milk!!

Let's Tidy up the Nursery (and other Disney references)

Mom: Let's go pick up your toys.

Schatz pouts, but follows me to her bedroom.

Mom: Could you put these in the dirty clothes hamper?

Schatz puts dirty clothes in hamper.

Mom: Will you put this baby in the toybox?

Scatz puts baby in toybox.

Mom: Please put this pillow on the bed.

Schatz (hands on hips): You know, Mom, I'm not your Cinderella.

The Concept of Privacy

I was taking a shower today when Schatz waltzed into the bathroom leaving the door wide open (hello, cold winter air), pulled back the curtain and proceeded to tell me about the conversation she was having with Lucy. Then she climbed on the back of the toilet and opened the window to look out...still chattering about something or another. Finally, she settled onto the potty for her morning constitution.

I stepped out of the shower, past the open window (hello, neighbors!) to reach for my towel. As I stepped out of the bathroom to towel off and get dressed; Schatz tells me, "Could you shut the door? I need my privacy."

Lost in Translation

Schatz has developed a new definition for the word rough. It means: to bark.

As in: Lucy is roughing at the door. Can I let her in?

Or (talking to Lucy): What are you roughing at?

These Kids Were Raised in the Same House!

Snuggling on the couch.

Maura: This was the best Christmas ever.

Mom: Oh, yeah? How come?

Maura: We were together as a family. You know, Mom, Christmas isn't about presents. It's about being together with your family.

Later that night, getting ready for bed.

Schatz: That was the best Christmas ever.

Mom: Oh, yeah? How come?

Schatz: Because I wasn't on the naughty list and Santa brought me lots of presents. And we ate candy.