Christmas in the Summer

Schatz burst into spontaneous song this morning.
(sung to the tune of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town")

Schatz: •*¨*•♫♪You better not pout....you better not cry♪♫•*¨*•
             •*¨*•♫♪You better not whine....I'm telling you why♪♫•*¨*•
                 •*¨*•♫♪Mommy's going to put up the pool♪♫•*¨*•

Some Doubts and Some Fast Talk

At the Christmas Party...

Schatz:  I don't think that was Santa Claus.

Me: Why is that?

Schatz:  He didn't have a sleigh.  We followed him outside and there was no sleigh on the roof.

Me (stalling):  Were there any reindeer?

Schatz:  No.  How is that Santa if he didn't have any reindeer?

Me:  Well.  It's awfully hot in Australia. No snow...so he can't really bring his sleigh.  They only work in the snow.  Sweetie.  Santa used a ute* in Australia.  Was there a ute out there?

Schatz (eyes brightening): Yes!  There WAS a ute!


*Ute is Australian for truck.

It's a Griswold Christmas!

We took the girls out to see the Christmas lights last night.  We slowed down at this house and I heard a little voice from the back seat...

Schatz (softly; reverently):  Ho-ly crap!

Then her daddy started snickering.

When You Take A Kid Down Under

We were fighting summer boredom this morning doing "homework".

Me: Why do the ants have yellow butts?

Schatz:  They are honey ants.

Early Math Skills

Isabelle: Mom? Can I have one more (mini) muffin? 

Isabelle's Mom:  Just one more.

Schatz (whispering):  You can have lots more if you want.

Me (sternly): Kaitlyn.  Don't you tell her that.  Isabelle's mommy said one more. If Isabelle's mommy says she can only have one, how many muffins can Isabelle eat?

Schatz (quietly): Three.

Me: Did you just say THREE!

Schatz:  Yes, Mommy.  She ate two and her mommy says she can have one.  That's three.

What'cha Gonna Do When They Come For You?

As a winner of the writing contest, my nephew Chase was allowed to ride on the Chamber of Commerce float. He wanted to wear his robber mask (re: ski mask) on the float. While walking with his dad and brothers...

Chase: Whew! That was close!

 

His Dad:  What do you mean?

Chase: We just walked past a cop! I could have been arrested for wearing my robber mask!

Hand Me Downs

I borrowed some uniforms from Erin to see if they would fit Schatz for school next year. She's very excited about starting school.  After she had tried them on, she didn't want to take them off.

Me:  Take them off, sweetie.  I need to take them back to Miss Erin.

Schatz:  Aren't they mine?

Me: No, ma'am.  Those are Ryan's* uniforms.  I was just trying them on you to see if  they would fit.

Schatz (smelling the bottom of the shirt deeply): Oh, yes. They smell exactly like Ryan.


*author's note:  I told this story to Erin.  It turns out that they were Kalyee's uniforms.

Leeping Lizards

Schatz has become a subject matter expert at catching lizards.  Judy and her husband Linwood were dropping something off at the house this evening.  Schatz was showing off a bit and decided to catch a baby lizard by the front door to show Judy.  Schatz tends to be a little rough with these guys...two of them have dropped tail while she's handling them.  (Dropping tail is a natural defense with this species of lizard.)

Me:  Be careful. You'll kill him if you squeeze him too hard.

Schatz (insistently): I'm squeezing him gently!

Not Regreting Her Life Choices

Me:  Do you like your dinner?

Maura:  Yes.  Why?  What is it?

Me: It's a camel burger.  I wasn't sure if you'd like it.

Maura:  It's really good, Mom.  (pause) Do you want to know what?

Me:  What?

Maura:  I'm so glad I decided not to be a vegetarian.  Meat is so good!

The Great Crumb Caper of '12

While cleaning out Schatz's room...

Me: Schatz, you can't eat food in your room.

Schatz:  Why?

Me:  See this (pointing to a beetle)?  When you eat food in your room, the crumbs draw bugs.

Schatz:  Those are NOT my crumbs!

Me: Schatz, please.  No food in your room.  Do you want bugs? 

Schatz (indignantly):  Those are NOT my crumbs. Those are Maura's.

Me: Oh, yeah?  Maura brought the crumbs into your room.

Schatz: Yes. Maura is bringing HER crumbs into my ROOM!

Local Slang

Schatz's picking up a bit of the local slang at school.  It cracks me up. This afternoon I was helping her wash her hands and she didn't like the amount of soap I used.

Schatz (in protest):  Oi!  That's too much soap, Mum!

Teenage Boys at the Pool

We were swimming at the pool yesterday and ran into some boys who are at the age where they have decided to challenge authority.  They were getting in the middle of swimming classes, playing rough, ignoring the (teenage) lifeguards and just being pains in the butts.  They were also eating lolly pops while fooling around in the pool.

Me: Hey, guys.  No food in the pool. 

Snarky Teenage Boy: Says who?

Me:  It's the pool rule. It's not my rule. No food in the pool.

Snarky Teenage Boy:  Well, lollies aren't food.  So there.

Me (lying through my teeth): Alright then, but my kid just peed in the pool and now it's all over your lolly.  Cheers.

It was amusing to me how quickly the lollies found their way to the trashcan.

I Didn't See That Coming

I was giving Kaitlyn a bath.  Maura was sitting on the side of the tub talking to me.

Maura:  When Kaitlyn is done, can I have a bath, too?

Me: Sure.

Maura: Can I have my own water?

I shoot Maura a puzzled look.

Maura:  Or do I have to use Kaitlyn's water?

Me:  I think we can manage a new tub full of water. 

Maura:  Well, Laura Ingalls had to use Mary's water.  She didn't get her own water.

Me:  True, but we've got indoor plumping so I think we'll be okay.

Maura....nothing.

Me:  What I mean is that you can totally have your own bath water...unless you want Kaitlyn's water. 

Maura (in THAT tone that means she's heard this before):  I know....I know....We don't live in the 1800's.  We have indoor plumping. Blah, blah, blah.

Who has more authority? Not Mommy!

Remember those shoes we bought at Goodwill?  Schatz's been lobbying hard to wear them to preschool.  The other morning we were running late and I was losing the battle.

Me: You cannot wear those shoes to preschool.  They are not appropriate.

Scahtz: They are so appropriate. All the girls are wearing them.

Me: Please go put on real shoes.

There was much fighting, crying, and temper tantrum throwing, but she would not take off the shoes. Two minutes before we were walking out the door I had to admit defeat.

Me: Fine.  Put another pair of shoes in your backpack.  We'll ask your teacher.  If she says yes, you can wear those shoes to school.

Schatz: Deal.

We drove to school and Schatz found Mrs. Pearson.

Schatz: Are these shoes appropriate?

Me: I told her that you had final say.  If they are not appropriate, we brought another pair.

Mrs. Pearson put her hands on her knees and leaned down...

Mrs. Pearson: No, Darling, you may not wear those shoes. They are not at all appropriate and you will twist your ankle running.

Schatz (taking off the shoes with no fuss): Awe, Bummer.

end of story

This Can't Say Good Things About My Parenting Skills

Maura:  Can we play a board game after dinner?

Me: Which one do you want to play?

Schatz: Kimberly's game with the dampire*, the lady spanking herself, and the sneaking monkey ninja!

Me: ???

Maura (in explanation):  Quelf.

Me:  Who is the lady who is spanking herself?

Maura:  The one holding the spatula.

Kaitlyn: Oh, Mom, there's a platypus, too.  Those are your favorite.

Schatz/English Dictionary:  Dampire = Vampire

Schatz's Says The Prayer At Dinner

Schatz:  Dear God, Please bless this food. And please give us enough time after dinner to watch Spider Man before bedtime.  Thank you so much.  It was so nice talking to you.  Amen.

Sesame Street Fun

Neither of my children were ever really PBS fans.  Perhaps it is the combination of preschool and nothing "flashier" on the television that has led to Schatz's new interest in Muppets and Sesame Street.  She was watching Sesame Street when this conversation unfolded...

Schatz(solemnly): Oh! Mom.  You can't watch this.

Mom (playing along):  Oh, I'm watching this.

Schatz:  Oh, Mommy, you better not! This is rated PG-13Five.

Mom:  PG-13Five?  What does that mean?

Schatz: That means you can't watch this without permission unless you are 5 or under.  It's not appropriate for you

Mom(getting up to leave the room):  Okay.  I'll just go to my room while you watch this PG-13Five movie.

Schatz (laughing at her joke):  Just kidding, Mommy. You can watch it. I was just pulling off your leg.

Angels and Blessings

We were walking past the Newsagent today...

Schatz: Hey, do you remember when I found all that money that time and gave it to the lady [behind the register]?

Mom:  I remember that.

Schatz:  I didn't know she was going to put the money in a purple bag.  I thought she was going to tell me I could keep it.

Mom: I know sweetie, but someone had just dropped that money.  They might have come back looking for it.  You did a sweet thing turning the money in.

Schatz:  Do you think that person ever found their money?

Mom:  Yes, I know they did.  I asked the last time I passed this shop.

Schatz (gasps):  Oh!  Does this means I was their angel that day?

Mom:  Yes, sweetheart.  That was a lot of money.  I think you were truly a blessing to her.

Schatz (dreamily): That makes my heart super happy, Mommy.

Mom: Me, too.

An NCO and a Gentleman

The girls have taken a liking to Steffanie.  They like to say hi to her whenever we see her.  They ask to go to the Butcher Shop just to say hi.  Yesterday, Steffanie was getting off work as Roger and the girls were walking into the shop next door.  After some chitchat, everyone was on their way...

Maura:  Dad. That was rude.

Roger: What?

Maura:  You should have asked her if she needed a ride home.

Roger: She doesn't need a ride home.

Maura: It's really hot.  Mom would have asked if she wanted a ride home.

Roger:  She has her scooter.

Maura: How do you know?

Roger:  I'm pretty sure she rides her scooter to work everyday, guys. She's not walking.

Maura: Well, a gentleman would have asked!!

Organization Schatz Style

Schatz averages at least three wardrobe changes a day.  It's not a big deal, but it means we spend a lot of time folding clothes and putting them away again.  I had folded her Hello Kitty dress and put it with her shirts...

Schatz:  That doesn't go there.  I put it here!  (opens the sock drawer)

Me:  Why do you put it with the socks?

Schatz (getting upset):  I put it HERE! 

Me:  I heard you, Schatz.  I'm not telling you no. I'm asking why.  Why do you want to put it with the socks instead of the shirts?

Schatz (slowly so I'll understand):  Because. When our stuff gets here I'll wear this dress with boots and you need to wear socks with boots.

Me: Fair enough.

Demotions and Name Changes

We have a house guest while the Major is away.  The kitty's name is Midnight and he's a sweet little guy.  He talks a lot so he fits right in.  Schatz loves this cat and talks about him all the time...I wonder if the Major would find it as funny as I do.

 

Scahtz:  Mom?

 

Me: Yes.

 

Scahtz:  When is the Sergeant Major coming home to get Nightmare?

 

Me:  The Major will be home later this month.

 

Schatz:  Do you think he misses Nightmare?

 

Me: I'm sure he does.  That is one cool cat.

 

Schatz (petting him): Yes, he is.  I hope the Sergeant Major NEVER comes back.

 

 



Kaitlyn 2.0

Schatz's preschool has a swimming pool that is just a few feet deep.  Tuesdays are swimming day which led do this conversation at pick up today...

Schatz: Can you find my goggles?  I want to bring my goggles tomorrow.

Me:  Yes, I'll write your name on your goggles tonight.

Schatz:  That's not going to work.

Me:  Yes, it will. If you lose your goggles tomorrow someone will find them and give them back.

Schatz (in a cautious tone):  What if we get a new Kaitlyn tomorrow? Not a "C" Caitlyn...a"K" Kaitlyn?

Me: I'll write your last name, too.

Schatz:  What if we get a "K" Kaitlyn who is also called Kaitlyn D----?

Me: I think we can risk it.

Schatz (mischievously):  What if you bring home the new Kaitlyn D--- instead of me?  By accident!

Me:  I'll bring her back to school and wait for you.  I promise.

Schatz: I would cry and cry, Mommy.  You better not forget what I look like.

Me: I promise!

Schatz (laughing):  What if she has the same clothes as me?

Raw Sugar

I might have met a 65 year old Schatz today.  I was picking up some sugar at Woolworth's Grocery Store today when a woman asked me to help her find the Raw sugar.  We found it between the white and brown sugar.

Me:  Do you use this instead of white sugar?

Aussie Lady:  Yes.

Me:  What's the difference between raw sugar and white sugar?

AL:  Well, honey, white sugar is CRAP!  Pure poison.  It will kill you.

Me:  Oh.  Well, I guess I'll get the raw sugar.

Let it never be said that I don't listen to a well thought out argument about nutrition.

Mommy's Important Birthday Message

My nephew Corbyn just turned four. His brother Carter asked what special privileges came with this age.  Corbyn listened attentively to see what his new privileges would be.  My sister told him she'd have to think on this one . . .

In his cute little 4 year old voice he asked, "Can I still live here!?"

My sister (hugging him): "Yes, honey, I won't kick you out until you're 18!"

Happy Little Bubble

While teasing Maura about something at the dinner table last night...

Roger:  Now, why'd you have to go and say that?  I'm was just sitting here in my little bubble...minding my own business.....happy.

Schatz (interrupting): I can pop your bubble for you, Daddy.

Just a typical conversation over breakfast...

Schatz:  Dad kills stuff.

Dad (putting down his fork): WHAT!?!

Schatz:  You killed that bird.

Dad:  Okay...I did hit that bird with the car.  It flew down in front of my car.  I'm not 100% sure that I killed it.  It might be just fine.

Schatz:  Oh, no.  I saw it.  You killed it.  You killed deer, too.

Dad:  I did used to hunt deer before I married your mother.

Schatz (going back to her breakfast):  You are a good killer, Daddy.

Smorgasbord of Good Things

I've been serving up a lot of the meats that are more available here than in the states.  The kids have (knowingly) enjoyed kangaroo and lamb (which they never tried in the states).  We are promising to try kangaroo steaks and crocodile when the BBQ gets here.  This morning I served emu sausage with their breakfast....

Maura (after trying a tiny first bite):  Mom!  There are lots of good animals to eat here!

Back Seat Driver

Our car is on a ship somewhere in the Pacific.  While some friends were on vacation, they loaned us their car.  Schatz was determined to take good care of it.

Schatz: Daddy?

Roger: Yes.

Schatz:  I am going to be your helper while you drive this car because this is not our car.  This is Miss Erin's car.

Roger:  So you are going to help me drive, huh?

Schatz:  Yes. We will drive it together.  I will tell you if a car is coming and you are going to crash into it.

Roger:  Thanks.  I appreciate your help.

Schatz:  You are very welcome.  Besides, I don't think Miss Erin wants you to crash her car.

Husband Hunting

We made some new friends at a party a few weeks ago.  After a fun play date at the Araluen Playground (pronounced Air-a-loo-en) followed by grilled cheese sandwiches and some Scooby Doo at home; it was time for Dennis to go home.

Schatz (later that afternoon):  Did you know that Dennis is my boyfriend?  I'm going to marry him when I grow up.

Me:  Okay.  Well. You are not allowed to have any boyfriends until you are sixteen.  So. You are going to have to break up with him and just be friends for now.

Schatz:  I can't exactly break up with him, yet.

Me:  Why not.

Schatz:  Well, I haven't exactly told him that he's my boyfriend.

Me: Have you told him you are going to marry him or are you just going to spring it on him at the wedding?

Schatz:  I don't know.  Yet.

My Niece Willow (age 3) Needs a NRA Membership

While watching Bambi and hearing the first gun shot...

Willow (high fives her mama): Alright! A deer sandwich!"

Relax.

This is actual email correspondence between myself and Maura's new teacher.  It hit my funny bone because I didn't think there was anything particularly uptight about my email.  I thought it was a friendly inquiry.  This is Maura's first time attending a foreign school.  I was told by one of Maura's classmate's parents that this was the typical "Australian" response to a typical "American" parent.  I found it an amusing illustration of how Americans are perceived overseas.

Dear Mr. D---

I just wanted to touch base with you.  Maura has been in your class for about two weeks now.  How is she doing?  Please let me know if there is anything that I can be doing with her at home to help her succeed in your class.

I really enjoyed the Greek plays this morning.  The kids did a great job!

Jamie D---

His response:

Hi Jamie,
 

Relax. Maura is doing well in class, she has made some good friends already and she is not afraid to have a go which is good to see.

 

Marcus D---

 

 

That's my Girl!!

I took Schatz to the APO to check the mail.

Me: Is there any mail in our box?

Schatz (looking in the little window): YES!

I opened the box. There was a little yellow card indicating that we have a package.

Me:  Go get your stool and give this to Joe.

Schatz likes to give Joe the yellow cards.  This is her job when we go to the APO.

Me:  Is it anything good?

Schatz (looking at the logo on the box):  It's from Amazon; so it MUST be good!

Bad Words and the School Bus

To put the conversation into context.  Maura is currently going to a Protestant Private School.  I know I know, yes, we're Catholic, but the Catholic school in town has a reputation for being rough. 

While walking home from the bus stop...

Maura:  You know, Mom, for a school that's all about God, the students sure say a lot of bad words.

Me:  Yeah?  I think you are going to find that people still do bad things even when they believe in God.

Maura:  The older girls on the bus were saying LOTS of bad words.

Me (dryly): So you are learning a load of new bad words, huh?

Maura:  No.  They aren't new ones.  Just the same old ones...the B word...the S words.

Me:  The S words?  I can only think of one S word.

Maura:  Oh, no, there are three of them,  you know? Ummmm. The opposite of the nice way to say "be quiet".

Me:  Okay.  I  know that one.

Maura:  The dog poop one.

Me: Okay, that's two.

Maura:  And not being very smart?

Me: Okay so I know all three of those.  I hope you know, you don't have to talk like that...even if your friends are.

Maura:  I know. 

Just a Silly Married Moment

I was laying in bed last night, too tired to get out of bed and get my nightly meds. (Bleh, I sound old!)

Roger: What's wrong?

Me (tired, but not too tired to be a nerd): I forgot to take my medicine and I don't feel like getting out of bed. I'm using an old Jedi Mind trick to get them to come to me.

Roger (chuckling at me):  Or you can just ask.  I'll get your medicine for you.

Roger brings me my medicine and a glass of water to wash it down.

Me: Thanks, Rog. I could ask, but instead I used my Jedi powers and my meds came to me.

Early Childhood Development

Schatz:  Did you put a sandwich in my lunch?

Me: Yes.

Schatz:  Good. Do you know what I learned in preschool last week?

Me: What did you learn?

Schatz: You have to eat the sandwich before you can eat any of the nice things.

Dollars and Sense

When Roger works late, I usually make a simple dinner.  Sandwiches or soup or leftovers, you know, something quick.  Roger worked late quite a few nights last week.  One night, I fried some eggs and served them over toast. (Also, I think we're commenting too often on how much more expensive things are here.)

Maura (looking sadly at her egg and then looking at me):  Are we poor, Mom?  Is that why we can't eat a real dinner?

Me: No, honey we're not poor.  We're just eating something quick and easy to clean up since dad isn't here for dinner.

Maura (looking back down at her plate):  But you would tell me, wouldn't you?  If we were too poor to buy real food?

FREE On The Side of The Road: One Thorny Devil

We were walking to the butcher to pick out something for dinner.  We passed a house where an Australian man was cleaning out a recently vacated house.  He was piling stuff beside the road with a big "FREE" sign.

Me: Should we take those (plastic lawn) chairs home?

Schatz (solemnly): No, Mommy. That's stealing.

Me: It's not stealing.  He's giving them away.

While I was showing Schatz the sign, the Aussie brought out another load of stuff.

Schatz:  Excuse me, sir.  Who do we pay for these chairs?

The Aussie:  You don't need to pay, Luv.  It's all free.

Schatz: Is that okay if we bring these chairs to my house for my Papa?

The Aussie: Take whatever you like.

We went to pile up the chairs where Schatz found a huge framed photograph of a Thorny Devil. It's a lizard that is indigenous to Australia.  It became Schatz's favorite animal about a month ago after reading a book a girlfriend gave the girls when we left Colorado.

Schatz (shocked): MOM!  Is he giving THIS away, too!?!

Me: Yes, do you think we need that, too?

Schatz (softly) Oh, yes, Mom.  I need this.

Me: Okay.  We'll take it home and clean it up.  Maybe Dad will hang it on your wall.

Schatz: How can he be JUST GIVING THIS AWAY?  Is he CRAZY!?! 

Me:  I don't think so.

We walked home with our stuff.  Every once in awhile Schatz would comment on her luck.

Schatz (referring to the thorny devil): Oh, mom.  She's beautiful!  We are so LUCKY!!

                                                      a block later

Schatz (spontaneously giggling):  I just can't even believe it!!  This is so AWESOME!

                                                     arriving home

Schatz:  He was just going to throw away this TREASURE!!

At the APO*

Schatz:  Is that for me?

Me (flipping through the mail): No, this one's not for you.

Schatz: How about that one?

Me: Nope.  Oh!  (handing an envelope to Schatz) This one's for you.

Schatz: Who's it from?

Me: It's from the bank.  We'll open it when we get home.

I went to the counter to claim a package.  Schatz went to the window and opened her letter. A few minutes later...

Schatz (handing the letter back to me):  Here, Mom.  I don't want it anymore.  I forgot. I can't read yet.

*The APO is the Army Post Office.

Schatz's Self Control (or "Ship" Round Three)

We were having lunch at the Gillen Club yesterday.  The kids were playing on the playground while the adults were visiting.   The television over here isn't censored at all. I've been told that, as a result, the kids here swear like sailors. While we were leaving I overheard this conversation with her dad...

Schatz:  I was fighting with a boy while we were playing, Daddy.  He was saying lots of bad words, but I didn't say any of them back.

Dad: I'm so glad you didn't say any bad words.

Schatz (walking ahead of her dad):  He was even saying "shit" but I didn't.  I didn't even say "ship" either...and I could have, Daddy.  You wouldn't have heard me, but I didn't even say "ship".

Famous Last Words...

Our second day in Sydney:  Here are the kids....at 4 pm....shortly after having this conversation...

Mom:  Let's just lay down and have some quiet time...it's been a long day and we woke up super early.

Schatz:  But Mom...I promise. I'm not jet-lagged at all!

Old Black and White Movies

We were spending some time in Idaho before moving overseas...

Aunt Teresa:  Let's watch "Girls Just Want to Have Fun".  That was our favorite when your Mom and I were kids.

Maura:  Okay.  Is it.  Like.  In black and white?

Aunt Teresa starts laughing.

Maura (smoothing things over):  That's okay if it is.  I like black and white movies, too. 

Memory is the first thing to go...

I was slicing some stew meat for the crock pot when:

Roger:  Next time we buy this meat, we should marinate it in that Bulgogi sauce and slow cook it in the crock pot.

Me (perhaps too enthusiastically): That is SUCH a great idea.  We should TOTALLY do that!

Roger (mischievously): You think that's a good idea, huh?

Me: Yes.  That sounds so good. (then, because Roger doesn't really cook, I asked) What made you think of that?

Roger:  You suggested it two weeks ago in the Commissary.

Me: I did?  Crap!  I'm starting to forget everything.

Roger (while dodging a playful punch in the arm and dancing out of the kitchen):  Yep, I'm going to start keeping a list of your best ideas so that I can mention them to you later and get full credit.

I Love you, Stinky Face

I'm organizing for a move and found Schatz's favorite book on her nightstand...under a huge pile of her treasures.  I'm going to tuck it into her backpack with her black Teddy, but I'm also posting it in my blog so that years from now I'll remember...that at age 4...her all time favorite book was "I Love You, Stinky Face".

A Peek At The Fears of a Four Year Old

We're in the middle of an overseas move.  Roger left this morning to drive the car and the dog to Los Angeles to be shipped overseas.  (The dog has to be quarantined for 30 days and then we'll pick her up at the other end.)  I won't be medically cleared to drive again until next week...and both kids know that Mommy's not allowed to drive right now. We've been easing the kids into this road trip for a few days, but yesterday Schatz really started to put it all together. 

Schatz:  Dad's going to California?

Me: Yeah, Daddy will be home again in two days.

Schatz: But.  What if we run out of FOOD?

Me (pointing to the full pantry):  We just went shopping. We have enough food to last until Dad gets home.

Schatz:  But what if we eat it ALL?  Then we'll starve to DEATH before Daddy gets home!!

Me (exchanging a glance with Wendy, sitting across the table):  Miss Wendy will drive us to the store if we eat all of our food in two days and need more before Daddy gets home.

Schatz looks suspiciously at us both before returning to playing with Mea.

That's right, sweatheart, get your education!!

To battle the sense of entitlement these kids are acquiring, and to build some work ethic, we've assigned the kids chores.  Among other things; Schatz is in charge of setting and clearing the table.  Maura washes the dishes.  Feeding the dog has become an unpopular task.

Me: Schatz, please feed Lucy.

Schatz: I have to feed her AGAIN!?!

Me: Yes, you have to feed her again.

Schatz: But I just fed her last night!!

Me: I just fed you last night.

Schatz:  ((SILENCE))

Me:  Are you hungry for your breakfast?

Schatz: Yes.

Me: Well, sweetie, Lucy's hungry for her breakfast, too.  

Schatz (Stomping to the pantry):  I have to do EVERYTHING around here!  (under her breath) I have GOT to get to college so I can stop being the MAID!

Bedtime Routine

We had endured a particularly difficult evening of getting child #2 to bed.  Schatz had alternated between crying and asking for one last drink of water, trip to the bathroom, hug, or kiss good night.  She had yelled things like, "Please come talk to me!!  Why won't you talk to me!  Please come lay down with me.  I'M LONELY!!".  I had been laying on the hallway floor (so she would stay in her bed).  I was ignoring the shenanigans and reading my book.  She finally passed out after a 45 minute full court press and I was walking down stairs to join Roger...

Me (tongue in cheek): Well. THAT went smoothly.

Roger (a highly decorated war veteran; shaking his head in defeat): Jamie, I've seen interactions with Al-Qaeda that went more smoothly than THAT!

Escalation of Force

We were sitting at the breakfast table and I was just tired of the shenanigans.

Me:  The next little girl who farts on her sister or shouts at her sister or touches her sister is going to be excused from the table and be sent to her room without breakfast. Period.

Schatz:  But I'm hungry.

Me:  Good.  Maybe being hungry will help you remember your manners.

Roger:  I'm glad you are not a police officer.

Me: What? Why?

Roger:  You have an extreme escalation of force.  If you were a police officer, you'd shout at the suspect and then (dismissively) just shoot him.

Me:  You know what?  I refuse to beg them to behave. 

Roger:  They are just little girls.  You are going to have to remind them a hundred times to behave.

Me:  Roger.  I refuse to negotiate with...(long pause)...my children.

Roger:  You were about to say terrorists, weren't you?

Me (meekly): Yes.

Roger: They are our children.  They are not terrorists.

Me (for lack of a better response):  Shush!  They're listening!

My Own Little Carrie Bradshaw

We found these fun wedges at Goodwill the other day.  They are about three sizes too big for Schatz, but I thought they'd be fun dress up shoes. Schatz has decided to wear them everywhere.  Last night we were going out for ice cream:

Me:  Please go put on different shoes.  Those are for play.

Schatz: But I love these shoes!  They are beautiful.

Me: They are too big.  You are going to break an ankle if you wear those shoes.

Schatz: It's okay, Mommy.  I'll break my ankle for fashion.

The Deepest Betrayal

Schatz had a mild allergy to strawberries when she was little.  Recently, we reintroduced strawberries and learned that she had outgrown the allergy.  Schatz was overjoyed because it turns out that she loves, loves, LOVES fresh strawberries.  What's the problem?  Well...

Schatz: I am so MAD at you!

Me:  Why are you mad at me?

Schatz:  Maura told me what you used to do!

Me: What are you talking about?

Schatz:  I cannot BELIEVE that you would SNEAK to the store and then EAT strawberries when I was sleeping!

Me: Well, sweetie, you were allergic and couldn't eat them.  So we only ate them if you were asleep.

Schatz (indignantly stomping away):  I can't believe you would DO THAT TO ME!

Me (to Maura): Why would you tell her that?

Maura: Well, IT'S TRUE!

Chuck E. Cheese

We went to Chuck E. Cheese for a Birthday Party and had a GREAT time.  In the spirit of the lastest "Importance of Sisters" campaign I've launched, I asked the kids to have their picture taken together on one of the "rides", but Schatz didn't understand that she had keep her face inside the red circle on the screen for the picture to turn out...

I'm pushinging Maura's head into the circle, Maura is pulling Schatz down into the photo...

Second photo...Schatz figured it out...and is choking out her sister!

She Wants To Go To The Pool

Schatz (sung to the tune of "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepson):

♪♫•*I've got my swimsuit.  And feeling crazy!*•♫♪
♪♫•*So lets go swimming.  Call me, baby!*•♫♪
♪♫•*Its hard to be home.  I could be swimming!*•♫♪
♪♫•*I've got my swimsuit. Let's go swimming!*•♫♪

If at First You Don't Succeed...Wait a Few Days and Ask Again

Schatz:  Can I say "ship"?  It means a boat.

Dad (because we're on to her): It depends on how you say it.

Schatz:  Like "Oh, SHIP!"

Mom: Schatz, when you say, "oh, SHIP!" I know you really mean the bad word.

Schatz:  But it's not REALLY a bad word.  It means boat.

About an hour later...

Schatz: Daddy, Ship is not a bad word.  I can say, "SHIP!" when I'm mad.

Dad: No, you really can't.  I know you are really saying the bad word.

Schatz:  How do you know that?

Dad:  Because I know that you are really, REALLY smart....evil genius smart.  So don't say "SHIP!" anymore.

How Did That Old Saying Go?

We took the kids letterboxing today. They enjoyed the hike.  They enjoyed throwing the ball for the dog...and they even had a short race:

Schatz (calling to her sister):  First one there gets a ROTTEN EGG!!

S.A.S.S. (Sisters Against Selling Sisters)

It's been one of those days.  The girls have been picking on each other and pushing each others' buttons.  So I switched tactics.  Instead of punishing them, I started talking about how important sisters are:

Me:  You need to be nice to your sister, Schatz.  She is better than a best friend.  Your sister is always going to be important in your life.  And Maura is the only sister you are going to get.  Be nice to her.

Schatz:  Maura is not my friend.  Maura is my sister.

Me:  That's right, Maura is your sister and sisters are better than your best friend.

Schatz: And you can't sell her either.

Me: What?

Schatz:  You can't sell my sister.

At this point Maura is offended.  I'm speechless. Roger takes the lead.

Roger:  That's right.  You can't sell sisters.  Ice Cream anyone?

Going to a Drive In

We took the girls to their first Drive In movie last night.  To prepare, we stopped at the local Walgreens to pick up some snacks.  After leaving Walgreens

Schatz:  Can I have my candy now?

Maura:  No, we're saving it to eat during the movie.

Schatz:  I was not asking you.  I was asking the grownups.

Roger:  No.  We're saving it to eat during the movie.

Maura:  I told you.

Schatz (earnestly):  But I was asking the grownups.

Dad's Desk

We were looking for the Burt's Bees Bug Bite Stick one night.  Schatz had some itchy mosquito bites.

Schatz:  I saw it on Dad's desk.

I was a little confused so I asked for clarification.  Schatz showed me.

Mom's Desk:

Dad's Desk:

Independence Day

The girls knew we were going to a BBQ at the home of some very dear friends of ours.  Upon waking up this morning:

Schatz: Do you know what today is?  It's Regan and Riley Day!!

Friends

I've been DVRing Friends to watch with Maura.  This morning while I was folding laundry, I turned on an episode.

Maura (covering her eyes): Oh, oh, turn it off.  I can't watch this one.

Me (pressing pause): Why can't we watch this one.

Maura:  Dad and I watched eleven minutes of this last night.  He says I can't watch this episode.  It's inappropriate.  Can we watch the pilot instead?

Me: Did Dad say why it was inappropriate?

Maura:  Well, they talk too much about (pauses, looks around, then loudly whispers) S-E-X in this one.

Trying Out Some New Vocab

Schatz (while talking to herself about something):  Holy shit.

Roger (choking and trying to maintain his military bearing): What did you just say?

Schatz (nonchalantly):  Holy shit.

Me: Don't say "holy shit".  It's a bad word.  I don't like it.

Schatz: Holy?

Me:  No, the other word. 

Schatz (thinks a minute): How about ship?  Can I say holy ship?

Me: No.

Schatz:  Why not?

Me: Because I'll know you mean the other word.

Schatz (winks and shots me the finger guns) : Oh. Okay.

Scotland

On the way to see the new Pixar movie Brave...

Roger:  This is going to be a great movie, I can already tell.

Maura:  How can you tell?

Roger:  Well, it takes place in my favorite place in the world...

Schatz (holding up her hand):  Don't tell me.  I want to be surprised.

Pool Party

We had a fun time at Mea's birthday party yesterday.  Ponies, swimming in the pool, playing on the swings...when Kaitlyn fell off the swing and needed a cuddle.

Me (holding and rocking her):  It's okay.  You are okay.

Kaitlyn (crying): But I can't breathe!

Me:  You can't breathe?  Did you fall on your back?  Or did you fall on your tummy?

Kaitlyn:  I fell on my head, but I couldn't breathe...

Me: You are having trouble breathing now?  Or you had trouble catching your breath when you fell?

Kaitlyn (still crying, but getting frustrated with me):  NO!  I couldn't breathe when I got my face in the water! 

Me  (thinking: in the pool...15 minutes ago!):  You couldn't breathe in the water. (rocking her again) It'll be okay.  You are okay.

She Skipped A Grade...

We were getting passport pictures the other day.  The photographer asked what grade she was in...

Schatz:  I'm in 20th.

Lodging a Complaint About Her Upbringing...

Schatz (walking into the kitchen with her blankie wrapped around her shoulders):  YOU are the MEANEST mom I've ever had!

Me:  Why am I the meanest mom you've ever had?

Schatz: Because YOU didn't wake me up this morning!  You KNOW I like you to wake me up in the morning.

Me:  Yes, I did.  Don't you remember?  I said, "Good Morning, Schatz."  and I pulled the comforter over you. You looked at me and snuggled up on Daddy and gave him a Koala hug.

Schatz (composing herself and straightening her shoulders): WELL, You KNOW I hate it when you say (using a fake pleasant voice for emphasis)"Good Morning"....AND I like to be called KATIE in the morning, not SCHATZ!!

Slithery, the Snake

Schatz: Slithery is mad at my friend Julius.

Me: Why is Slithery mad at Julius?

Schatz (shrugging her shoulders): I don't really know.  He's a snake.  It's not like he speaks English.

How I Tricked My Chld into Going to Sleep

It's summer and my kids do not want to sleep...which makes for some cranky kids (and a frustrated Mommy).  Last night, Schatz got really quiet, so immediately I knew she must be up to something.  I went to go check on her and she was laying in bed quietly with her arm in this PT belt.  I tiptoed closer to see if (gasp!) she was asleep...

Schatz (looking up at me): What are you doing in here, Mommy?

Me (pointing to her homemade traction):  That's really cute.  If you were asleep I was going to get my camera and take a picture.

Schatz:  Go get your camera and I will close my eyes like this (demonstrates) and be asleep.

Me: No, that's cheating.  If your arm is still in the sling when you fall asleep I'll take a picture.

Schatz:  Okay. I'm on it.

Ummmm...who is this child?  I'm on it?  Wouldn't you know...she closed her eyes and tried really hard to fall asleep (with her arm in traction)...five minutes later:

It was just one ticket! I swear!

While riding with Roger; we passed a police car.

Mom (pointing it out as we pass): Look girls, there's a police car.

Maura: Is he going to pull us over?

Schatz: No, Daddy's driving. They only give Mommy tickets. She drives too fact.

Roger (tactfully) chokes down a laugh.

Touché

Schatz was hanging out on the couch with me this afternoon. I was knitting and she was watching The Land Before Time. When the movie was over, she picked another cartoon to watch in the Instant Queue.

Mom: What are we watching now?

Schatz (matter of factly): You know what? I don't really know. I can't read yet.

Easy Come, Easy Go, I Suppose...

Schatz found $10 on the ground at the playground the other day. She didn't tell me about it right away. She just put it in her purse and continued playing. She told me later about "the dollar" she found on the playground. No big deal. I figured that I'd wait until she forgot about it, then I'd put it in her piggy bank for safekeeping.

After her daddy got home:

Me: Schatz, show Daddy what you found at the park today.

Schatz: I can't Mommy.

Me: How come, Schatz?

Schatz: It flied away, Mommy.

Me: What do you mean?

Schatz (in a whimsical sort of way): I was playing with my dollar and I held it up like this (with both arms raised above her head) and it just flied away in the wind.

Mother's Day

Schatz: I know what we're going to do for Mother's Day.

Me: Are you allowed to tell me or is it a secret?

Schatz: I can tell you. We're going to get up super early and go buy you a card. Then we're going to buy you some donuts...with sprinkles. Then we are going to buy you flowers, too.

Me: I like flowers. What kind of flowers do you think you'll buy?

Schatz: I don't know. Probably ether roses or tulips...(pauses) or maybe dandelions. Those are really pretty, too.

Explaining Death

My girlfriend's cat just lost a litter of kittens. The first kitten was born dead. The second failed to thrive. The last kitten was doing great, but took a turn for the worst and didn't make it. I was dreading having to tell Kaitlyn about the last kitten. She's been waiting to hold the kitten until its eyes opened. Its eyes opened earlier this week.

Upon being given the somber news:

Schatz (patting my leg): It's okay, Mommy. Baby Jesus must have wanted to play with that kitten now that her eyes are open. It will be okay.

Alternate Answer

When posed with the following question:

Schatz: Santa Claus!

(Oh, yes. I gave her full credit.)

Ninjas at Night

Roger put Kaitlyn to bed tonight. After tucking her in to bed he ran downstairs. When he came back upstairs a few minutes later he noticed that Kaitlyn had stolen his iTouch. She was watching a movie in her bed.

Roger (confiscating the iTouch): You are sneaky...like a fox.

Schatz: No, Daddy, I'm sneaky like a ninja.

Setting back the Women's Movement...

Schatz: I want to be a boy.

Mom: Why do you want to be a boy?

Schatz: Two reasons. Boys don't have to brush their hair as much.

Mom: Why don't boys brush their hair as much?

Schatz: Becauce it's so short.

Mom: What is the other reason?

Schatz: Boys don't have to wipe their bottoms when they pee. They just shake it.

Impressionable Children and Kung Fu Panda

This is what happens when an impressionable four year old watches Kung Fu Panda...

Schatz: Do you know what?

Daddy: What?

Schatz: My REAL parents are dead. You just found me and raised me as your own...

Titanic

I took Maura to see Titanic in 3D today. There were maybe a dozen people in the theater. I wasn't sure how it would go. It gets pretty intense towards the end. It was the steamy motor car scene that made the biggest impression. Or perhaps it's that she was watching this scene with her mother. The camera does a tight shot of Rose and Jack in the motor car...and I hear a little voice to my left...clear as a bell...

Maura: Awk-WARD!

Telephone Etiquette

Upon being scolded for interrupting while Roger was talking to his commanding officer on the telephone...

Roger: I'm sorry that I shushed you, but I asked you to be super quiet while I was on the phone with my boss.

Schatz: Well. Next time, could you just tell your boss that your daughters are talking to you; they don't want to shush; and you'll call him back tomorrow?

Kids are so Transparent!

My neighbors are Muslim and don't eat pork. It's never been a big deal. I am just careful about what I feed their kids when they come over to play. These days the girls are getting sneaky (and I'm pretty sure they came up with this together...)

I was fixing lunch last week when Schatz and Chuku came into the room to tell me something important.

Chuku (age 5): Miss Jamie, I'm allowed to eat pork now.

Schatz: Yes, her dad says it's okay now.

Me (skeptically): Oh, yeah?

Chuku: Yes, so I can have pepperoni and bacon and stuff when I come over for lunch.

Me: Okay, but I'm still probably going to check with your dad before I feed you pork.

Chuku (getting nervous): You don't need to talk to my dad.

Me: I kind of do, Chuku.

Chuku: Well. He doesn't really like to talk about it. It hurts his feelings. He says we can eat pork as long as we don't TALK about it. So I can have the pork, but you don't have to tell him about it.

Me (chuckling a little): It doesn't really work that way, Sweetie. We can't lie to your dad. That's not being honest.

The conversation then turned to honesty and why it's okay to not eat pork...but this part has stuck with me all week.

Pretend Friends

Schatz (holding Maura's hand): Today, let's pretend that we are best friends.

Maura: Best friends on a road trip.

Me: Why do you have to pretend? Can't you just be each other's best friend?

Schatz (exasperated): MOM! Because we are just playing pretend!

Children at Funerals

Kids have a way of making you smile even during the sad times. We attended a Memorial for a friend of mine who passed away last week after a long, difficult battle with Leukemia.

Speaker (while speaking about Kimberly's life as a military wife) : Kimberly always met life's challenges with poise and grace.

Maura (in a LOUD whisper): Mom? Who's Grace?

Musical Beds

Schatz: Did you come get me in the middle of the night?

Mom: No, you woke up and crawled into Mommy's bed.

Schatz: No, I didn't. Daddy must have gotten me.

Mom: I don't think he did.

Schatz: Well, I did not wake up and come get in your bed.

Mom: Maybe you were sleep walking.

Schatz: Yes, that's it. YOU were sleep walking and came to get me in your bed.

Everyone's a Critic

While flipping through her Daddy's iPod...

Schatz (disgusted): Daddy, I can't find P!nk, but you sure have a lot of cowboys.

Too Many Decisions

Schatz couldn't decide which clip would look best...

Timmy's in the Well Again

Schatz: Mom? Is Lucy a rescue dog?

Me: No, Honey, we got her from a breeder.

Schatz: But she could be a rescue dog.

Me: Sorry, Babe, we didn't get her from a rescue.

Schatz: She could so be a rescue dog. I'll bet if I were in trouble she would rescue ME!

Laundry

Schatz (handing me a bra): Mommy, here's your boob thing.

Who Can Argue with a Purple Heart?

Schatz (rescuing him from the trash): Don't throw away Prince Naveen!

Me: He's broken, baby. Broken toys go in the trash.

Schatz (getting really upset): He's not broken. He got hit with an PGC* in Iraq. He got a purple heart because he's so brave. You can't do this to him!

Me: I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Schatz (under her breath while walking away): He's a hero.



*Scahtz/English Translation: RPG


(Author's Note: I'm pretty sure this is a Ken doll and not Prince Naveen, but really, what's the use in arguing.)

I Still Don't Understand Algebra

Schatz: What is M+3-T ?

Me: Five?

Schatz: No.

Me: Eleven?

Scahtz: Now you are just guessing.

Me: I don't know!

Schatz: It's a color.

Me: Pink?

Schatz (shouting the answer): Chameleon!

Me: Chameleon? That's not a color!

Schatz: It's all the colors!

Meanwhile, in the Amazon

Schatz: Could you fight an anaconda?

Me: No, I couldn't and I don't think I'd want to.

Schatz: Well, my Daddy can. He's got knives and guns and a bow and arrow.

Ironic and Amusing at the Same Time

Maura (age 9): We're making up a play at school.

Me: Whose "we"?

Maura: Julie, Aydenn, Iona, and Lynn.

Me: That sounds really cool.

Maura: We practice it everyday at recess. It's a lot of fun, but it's rated PG-13. (tone becomes very solemn)It's about vampires and stuff. It's really not appropriate for kids under 13.

0% Financing

Schatz: I'm not going to brush my teeth anymore, Mommy. I want them to all fall out.

Me: Why do you want your teeth to fall out?

Schatz: Because Maura wants the Cleo Monster High doll. When all my teeth fall out, I'm going to use my tooth fairy money to buy a Monster High Doll.

Me: But the tooth fairy only pays for healthy teeth. She doesn't give money for rotten teeth.

Schatz (under her breath): Bummer.

Priorities

Me: Let me hang up this coat and then we'll read your book.

Schatz (running to the kitchen): I'll get the THIN MINTS!

Schatz's Secret Identity

Schatz: Mom?

Me: Yes, Schatz.

Schatz: I'm not Schatz. When I'm wearing these glasses; call me Ghoulia [Yelps].

Me: Okie Dokie.

Schatz: Mom?

Me: Yes, Ghoulia.

Schatz: I love you.

On Finding the Remote:

Schatz: I found it! I looked in there (pointing to the bottom shelf) and my mind said, "That looks like the remote" so I reached WAAAAY back. And it really was the remote. I found it, Mommy!

Beyoncé, Can I Get a Translation?

While driving down the road, listening to Beyoncé's "If I Were a Boy":

Schatz: Why does she want to be a boy?

Me: I think she thinks it's easier to be a man instead of a woman.

A little later...

Schatz: Why is she hurt?

Me: I think her feelings are hurt.

Schatz: Oh. (Pauses) Mommy?

Me: Yes

Schatz: How do you say "If I were a Boy" en Español?

Charlotte 1, Houseplant 0

This is what happens when a child encounters a houseplant in its natural habitat for the first time...

Plagued by the Croup

Schatz (who is the picture of health this morning): Mommy, you need to take a shower.

Me: Excuse me?

Schatz: You need to take a shower so that I can sit on the potty and breathe...like the last time when I was (inserting best fake cough). I have what I had last time.

Me: The croup? You have the croup?

Schatz (gravely): Yes, Mommy, I have the croup. You need to take a shower.

Creepy Mommy, Part 2

Usually I have to ask Schatz fifteen times what she wants for breakfast. She's ignoring me and I'm multi-tasking. Getting ready in the morning takes all morning. At the suggestion of a friend, I decided to try giving her my full attention instead of putting on the tea, listening to the radio, and writing a grocery list while fixing her breakfast.

I rested my elbows on the table, put my chin in my hands, and looked her straight in the eye.

Me: What would you like for breakfast this morning.

Schatz: What do we have?

Me: We have oatmeal, Trix, or toast.

Schatz: hmmmmm

I just waited and continued to make eye contact.

Schatz (after about 10 seconds): Trix. Ummmm, Mommy? Could you stop looking at me? You are creeping me out.

No Listening

It's Girl Scout cookie season. Earlier this week, I told the girls to skip the houses with the "No Soliciting" signs posted in their windows. I explained that the sign meant they didn't want to be bothered. I completely forgot about that conversation...then last night:

Schatz runs up to a door, then promptly turns around and runs to the next house.

Me: Did you knock on the door?

Schatz: No.

Me: Go knock on the door, somebody might be home.

Schatz: They have a "No Listening" sign, Mommy. They don't want to listen to anyone selling cookies.

She's Got Married...

Bob and Nicole's daughters were the flower girls in the Wedding. They were really cute in their little dressing and bows, but they were pretty cute behind the scenes, too. Here is a cute Ruby moment:

After the wedding while playing with some sticks...

Ruby (to her dad): I got married today, Daddy.

Bob: Who did you marry, Ruby?

Ruby: We are all married, Daddy.

Counting Backwards

Schatz and my neighbor Rueben were counting together to pass the time until Maura's school program started.

Reuben and Schatz: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten.

Reuben: Good Job. Can you count backwards from ten?

Schatz (turning around so she was backwards facing): One, Two, Three....

Stop the Car!

Nicole and Bob had been on the road for a few hours when....

Ruby (panicking): Stop the car! stopthecar! STOPTHECAR!

Bob and Nicole (talking over each other while trying to pull off the road): Are you okay! What's the matter? Are you hurt? Calm down! Use your words!

Ruby (after calming down): I need to draw a square.

Are We There Yet?

My cousin Bob and his wife Nicole drove down from Illinois for the wedding. They were driving with their twins Charlotte and Ruby (age 3) and had a few funny moments...so I thought I'd share:

About 20 minutes after pulling out of the driveway, she looks around:

Charlotte (very calmly): I don't see Texas yet.

A Complicated Family Tree

We've been out of town for a family wedding. While driving back to Will and Anita's house after the reception, Schatz was telling me all about her new family.

Schatz: Mikey is my new cousin, Mommy.

Me: Yes, Mikey is your new cousin.

Schatz: And Elyna is my new cousin.

Me: Yep, Elyna is a new cousin.

Schatz: Bob is my new cousin, too.

Me: No, sweetie. Bob has always been your cousin. He is my cousin so he's your cousin, too.

Schatz (slowly, as if talking to a small child): No, he wasn't, but he's my cousin now.

Creepy Mommy

Schatz: Did you know that I was inside you when you were pregnant?

Me: Yes, I did know that. You were inside my belly.

Schatz: It was really scary in there.

Me: Was it really scary because it was dark?

Schatz: No, Mommy, I could see all your bones and it was creeping me out.

So THERE!

While sitting in time out, mad at me for putting her there...

Schatz (shouting from the other room): If I were Santa, I wouldn't bring you ANYTHING!