Sunday, September 28, 2014

Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage

Schatz: My friend at school says that you have to get married to have a baby.

Me:  Your friend is very wise.  Babies are a lot of work. It's better if you have a husband who can help.

Schatz:  Right, but you absolutely have to be married to have a baby?

Me: No, sometimes women have babies without being married.

Schatz:  But my friend says you can't have a baby without a wedding.

Me:  Well.  Babies don't come from weddings.  It takes a man and a woman to have a baby, but they are not always married.

Schatz: Can two women have a baby?

Me:  I suppose it depends on the women.  Sometimes two women can adopt a baby.  Sometimes they foster a baby. Sometimes the baby is from a previous relationship.  I can't really say.  It just depends on the family.

Schatz:  But how do you get pregnant without a wedding?

Me:  Well.  You don't have to be married to get pregnant.  If a man and a women have sex with each other, then sometimes the woman will get pregnant.  

Schatz (walking away, chuckling to herself):  Where you come up with this stuff?

Tuesday, September 9, 2014


Maura and I were sitting on a bench in the Yeperenye Shopping Center when a teenaged boy walked by in a YOLO* cap on his head.

Me:  I hate YOLO.  It's the stupidest life motto.  Don't base your life decisions on YOLO.

Maura (sighs and pats me sympathetically on the knee):  I know, mom, I know. You live everyday.  You only die once.

*YOLO is a texting shortcut for You Only Live Once.  It is a stupid life motto.

Monday, September 8, 2014

No Such Thing as a Strawberry Tree

Maura and Schatz were in the kitchen cutting up strawberries for breakfast.

Schatz:  Did you know strawberries grow on trees?

Maura:  No, they don't. 

Schatz:  Yes.  Miss Pollitt was telling us about strawberry trees at school yesterday.

Maura (calling to me):  MOM! Do strawberries grow on trees?

Me (walking into the kitchen): No, strawberries grow on plants that are about this high.  (indicating a height roughly above my ankle.) Do you want me to show you a strawberry plant?

Schatz:  Yes.

I googled a strawberry plant.

Schatz:  Well, of course!  You put in plant. See?  (pointing to the search bar)
Me: Okay.  I'll put strawberry tree.  (knowing full well there is no such thing...and then all these images came up)

Me:  Hey! Look at that!  There is a such thing as a strawberry tree.  I never knew that!
So we had a short science lesson about the differences between strawberry plants and strawberry trees and the different berries produced.

A Phonecall From The School

Me:  If your teacher called me what do you think she would tell me?

Schatz (shrugs her shoulders): I dunno.

Me:  Think about it for a minute.  What do you think Miss Pollitt would tell me if she called me?

Schatz:  Dunno.

Maura:  She's asking if you were being good today or naughty.

Me:  No, I'm not.  I'm asking Schatz what she thinks Miss Pollitt would say about her if Miss Pollitt called me.  [To Schatz] What do you think?

Schatz looks at her feet.

Me: Well, Miss Pollitt called me today. 

Schatz:  Really?

Me: Yes.  Would you like me to tell you what she said? 

Schatz shrugs, but crawls into my lap.

Me:  Miss Pollitt called me to tell me what a delight you are to have in her class.  She told me that you are always helpful and you always help out your classmates.  She really enjoys having you in her classroom.

Schatz's eyes brightened and she was delighted...then she was suspicious.

Schatz:  Really?  Are you messing with me?

Me:  No!  She really did call.

Schatz:  Did Miss Pollitt really, truly call?

Me: Yes.  She called to say nice things about you.

Schatz:  No, she didn't.  Are you lying?

Me:  I'm not lying.

Maura (mouthing the words over Schatz's shoulders): Did she really call? Are you just kidding?

Me: YES!  Miss Pollitt really, truly called me.  I'm not kidding.  I'm really serious.

Schatz (smiling and straightening her shoulders):  Oh. She really called.