Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Beyoncé, Can I Get a Translation?

While driving down the road, listening to Beyoncé's "If I Were a Boy":

Schatz: Why does she want to be a boy?

Me: I think she thinks it's easier to be a man instead of a woman.

A little later...

Schatz: Why is she hurt?

Me: I think her feelings are hurt.

Schatz: Oh. (Pauses) Mommy?

Me: Yes

Schatz: How do you say "If I were a Boy" en Español?

Monday, January 30, 2012

Charlotte 1, Houseplant 0

This is what happens when a child encounters a houseplant in its natural habitat for the first time...

Plagued by the Croup

Schatz (who is the picture of health this morning): Mommy, you need to take a shower.

Me: Excuse me?

Schatz: You need to take a shower so that I can sit on the potty and breathe...like the last time when I was (inserting best fake cough). I have what I had last time.

Me: The croup? You have the croup?

Schatz (gravely): Yes, Mommy, I have the croup. You need to take a shower.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Creepy Mommy, Part 2

Usually I have to ask Schatz fifteen times what she wants for breakfast. She's ignoring me and I'm multi-tasking. Getting ready in the morning takes all morning. At the suggestion of a friend, I decided to try giving her my full attention instead of putting on the tea, listening to the radio, and writing a grocery list while fixing her breakfast.

I rested my elbows on the table, put my chin in my hands, and looked her straight in the eye.

Me: What would you like for breakfast this morning.

Schatz: What do we have?

Me: We have oatmeal, Trix, or toast.

Schatz: hmmmmm

I just waited and continued to make eye contact.

Schatz (after about 10 seconds): Trix. Ummmm, Mommy? Could you stop looking at me? You are creeping me out.

No Listening

It's Girl Scout cookie season. Earlier this week, I told the girls to skip the houses with the "No Soliciting" signs posted in their windows. I explained that the sign meant they didn't want to be bothered. I completely forgot about that conversation...then last night:

Schatz runs up to a door, then promptly turns around and runs to the next house.

Me: Did you knock on the door?

Schatz: No.

Me: Go knock on the door, somebody might be home.

Schatz: They have a "No Listening" sign, Mommy. They don't want to listen to anyone selling cookies.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

She's Got Married...

Bob and Nicole's daughters were the flower girls in the Wedding. They were really cute in their little dressing and bows, but they were pretty cute behind the scenes, too. Here is a cute Ruby moment:

After the wedding while playing with some sticks...

Ruby (to her dad): I got married today, Daddy.

Bob: Who did you marry, Ruby?

Ruby: We are all married, Daddy.

Counting Backwards

Schatz and my neighbor Rueben were counting together to pass the time until Maura's school program started.

Reuben and Schatz: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten.

Reuben: Good Job. Can you count backwards from ten?

Schatz (turning around so she was backwards facing): One, Two, Three....

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Stop the Car!

Nicole and Bob had been on the road for a few hours when....

Ruby (panicking): Stop the car! stopthecar! STOPTHECAR!

Bob and Nicole (talking over each other while trying to pull off the road): Are you okay! What's the matter? Are you hurt? Calm down! Use your words!

Ruby (after calming down): I need to draw a square.

Are We There Yet?

My cousin Bob and his wife Nicole drove down from Illinois for the wedding. They were driving with their twins Charlotte and Ruby (age 3) and had a few funny moments...so I thought I'd share:

About 20 minutes after pulling out of the driveway, she looks around:

Charlotte (very calmly): I don't see Texas yet.

Monday, January 23, 2012

A Complicated Family Tree

We've been out of town for a family wedding. While driving back to Will and Anita's house after the reception, Schatz was telling me all about her new family.

Schatz: Mikey is my new cousin, Mommy.

Me: Yes, Mikey is your new cousin.

Schatz: And Elyna is my new cousin.

Me: Yep, Elyna is a new cousin.

Schatz: Bob is my new cousin, too.

Me: No, sweetie. Bob has always been your cousin. He is my cousin so he's your cousin, too.

Schatz (slowly, as if talking to a small child): No, he wasn't, but he's my cousin now.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Creepy Mommy

Schatz: Did you know that I was inside you when you were pregnant?

Me: Yes, I did know that. You were inside my belly.

Schatz: It was really scary in there.

Me: Was it really scary because it was dark?

Schatz: No, Mommy, I could see all your bones and it was creeping me out.

Sunday, January 1, 2012


While sitting in time out, mad at me for putting her there...

Schatz (shouting from the other room): If I were Santa, I wouldn't bring you ANYTHING!