Monday, July 30, 2012

That's right, sweatheart, get your education!!

To battle the sense of entitlement these kids are acquiring, and to build some work ethic, we've assigned the kids chores.  Among other things; Schatz is in charge of setting and clearing the table.  Maura washes the dishes.  Feeding the dog has become an unpopular task.

Me: Schatz, please feed Lucy.

Schatz: I have to feed her AGAIN!?!

Me: Yes, you have to feed her again.

Schatz: But I just fed her last night!!

Me: I just fed you last night.

Schatz:  ((SILENCE))

Me:  Are you hungry for your breakfast?

Schatz: Yes.

Me: Well, sweetie, Lucy's hungry for her breakfast, too.  

Schatz (Stomping to the pantry):  I have to do EVERYTHING around here!  (under her breath) I have GOT to get to college so I can stop being the MAID!

Bedtime Routine

We had endured a particularly difficult evening of getting child #2 to bed.  Schatz had alternated between crying and asking for one last drink of water, trip to the bathroom, hug, or kiss good night.  She had yelled things like, "Please come talk to me!!  Why won't you talk to me!  Please come lay down with me.  I'M LONELY!!".  I had been laying on the hallway floor (so she would stay in her bed).  I was ignoring the shenanigans and reading my book.  She finally passed out after a 45 minute full court press and I was walking down stairs to join Roger...

Me (tongue in cheek): Well. THAT went smoothly.

Roger (a highly decorated war veteran; shaking his head in defeat): Jamie, I've seen interactions with Al-Qaeda that went more smoothly than THAT!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Escalation of Force

We were sitting at the breakfast table and I was just tired of the shenanigans.

Me:  The next little girl who farts on her sister or shouts at her sister or touches her sister is going to be excused from the table and be sent to her room without breakfast. Period.

Schatz:  But I'm hungry.

Me:  Good.  Maybe being hungry will help you remember your manners.

Roger:  I'm glad you are not a police officer.

Me: What? Why?

Roger:  You have an extreme escalation of force.  If you were a police officer, you'd shout at the suspect and then (dismissively) just shoot him.

Me:  You know what?  I refuse to beg them to behave. 

Roger:  They are just little girls.  You are going to have to remind them a hundred times to behave.

Me:  Roger.  I refuse to negotiate with...(long pause) children.

Roger:  You were about to say terrorists, weren't you?

Me (meekly): Yes.

Roger: They are our children.  They are not terrorists.

Me (for lack of a better response):  Shush!  They're listening!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

My Own Little Carrie Bradshaw

We found these fun wedges at Goodwill the other day.  They are about three sizes too big for Schatz, but I thought they'd be fun dress up shoes. Schatz has decided to wear them everywhere.  Last night we were going out for ice cream:

Me:  Please go put on different shoes.  Those are for play.

Schatz: But I love these shoes!  They are beautiful.

Me: They are too big.  You are going to break an ankle if you wear those shoes.

Schatz: It's okay, Mommy.  I'll break my ankle for fashion.

The Deepest Betrayal

Schatz had a mild allergy to strawberries when she was little.  Recently, we reintroduced strawberries and learned that she had outgrown the allergy.  Schatz was overjoyed because it turns out that she loves, loves, LOVES fresh strawberries.  What's the problem?  Well...

Schatz: I am so MAD at you!

Me:  Why are you mad at me?

Schatz:  Maura told me what you used to do!

Me: What are you talking about?

Schatz:  I cannot BELIEVE that you would SNEAK to the store and then EAT strawberries when I was sleeping!

Me: Well, sweetie, you were allergic and couldn't eat them.  So we only ate them if you were asleep.

Schatz (indignantly stomping away):  I can't believe you would DO THAT TO ME!

Me (to Maura): Why would you tell her that?

Maura: Well, IT'S TRUE!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Chuck E. Cheese

We went to Chuck E. Cheese for a Birthday Party and had a GREAT time.  In the spirit of the lastest "Importance of Sisters" campaign I've launched, I asked the kids to have their picture taken together on one of the "rides", but Schatz didn't understand that she had keep her face inside the red circle on the screen for the picture to turn out...

I'm pushinging Maura's head into the circle, Maura is pulling Schatz down into the photo...

Second photo...Schatz figured it out...and is choking out her sister!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

She Wants To Go To The Pool

Schatz (sung to the tune of "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepson):

♪♫•*I've got my swimsuit.  And feeling crazy!*•♫♪
♪♫•*So lets go swimming.  Call me, baby!*•♫♪
♪♫•*Its hard to be home.  I could be swimming!*•♫♪
♪♫•*I've got my swimsuit. Let's go swimming!*•♫♪

If at First You Don't Succeed...Wait a Few Days and Ask Again

Schatz:  Can I say "ship"?  It means a boat.

Dad (because we're on to her): It depends on how you say it.

Schatz:  Like "Oh, SHIP!"

Mom: Schatz, when you say, "oh, SHIP!" I know you really mean the bad word.

Schatz:  But it's not REALLY a bad word.  It means boat.

About an hour later...

Schatz: Daddy, Ship is not a bad word.  I can say, "SHIP!" when I'm mad.

Dad: No, you really can't.  I know you are really saying the bad word.

Schatz:  How do you know that?

Dad:  Because I know that you are really, REALLY smart....evil genius smart.  So don't say "SHIP!" anymore.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

How Did That Old Saying Go?

We took the kids letterboxing today. They enjoyed the hike.  They enjoyed throwing the ball for the dog...and they even had a short race:

Schatz (calling to her sister):  First one there gets a ROTTEN EGG!!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

S.A.S.S. (Sisters Against Selling Sisters)

It's been one of those days.  The girls have been picking on each other and pushing each others' buttons.  So I switched tactics.  Instead of punishing them, I started talking about how important sisters are:

Me:  You need to be nice to your sister, Schatz.  She is better than a best friend.  Your sister is always going to be important in your life.  And Maura is the only sister you are going to get.  Be nice to her.

Schatz:  Maura is not my friend.  Maura is my sister.

Me:  That's right, Maura is your sister and sisters are better than your best friend.

Schatz: And you can't sell her either.

Me: What?

Schatz:  You can't sell my sister.

At this point Maura is offended.  I'm speechless. Roger takes the lead.

Roger:  That's right.  You can't sell sisters.  Ice Cream anyone?

Going to a Drive In

We took the girls to their first Drive In movie last night.  To prepare, we stopped at the local Walgreens to pick up some snacks.  After leaving Walgreens

Schatz:  Can I have my candy now?

Maura:  No, we're saving it to eat during the movie.

Schatz:  I was not asking you.  I was asking the grownups.

Roger:  No.  We're saving it to eat during the movie.

Maura:  I told you.

Schatz (earnestly):  But I was asking the grownups.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Dad's Desk

We were looking for the Burt's Bees Bug Bite Stick one night.  Schatz had some itchy mosquito bites.

Schatz:  I saw it on Dad's desk.

I was a little confused so I asked for clarification.  Schatz showed me.

Mom's Desk:

Dad's Desk:

Independence Day

The girls knew we were going to a BBQ at the home of some very dear friends of ours.  Upon waking up this morning:

Schatz: Do you know what today is?  It's Regan and Riley Day!!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012


I've been DVRing Friends to watch with Maura.  This morning while I was folding laundry, I turned on an episode.

Maura (covering her eyes): Oh, oh, turn it off.  I can't watch this one.

Me (pressing pause): Why can't we watch this one.

Maura:  Dad and I watched eleven minutes of this last night.  He says I can't watch this episode.  It's inappropriate.  Can we watch the pilot instead?

Me: Did Dad say why it was inappropriate?

Maura:  Well, they talk too much about (pauses, looks around, then loudly whispers) S-E-X in this one.