Hair Cuts and Other Forms of Butchery

Curled up on the couch with Kaitlyn and Maura:

Maura: I like Schatz's hair cut.

Mommy: It looks much better. It was getting too long and scraggly.

Maura: Did she cry?

Mommy: No, she didn't really care.

Later that afternoon, Schatz was trying on her dresses which fit great last month. Now they are getting too short...

Mommy: Your legs are getting so long, Schatz, you are growing up too fast.

Schatz (gasps and grabbing her legs): Oh, no, Mommy! You are NOT cutting off my legs.

Darn. I was hoping that was a stress dream...

...like the one where I'm giving a speech in Mrs. Neal's class and realize I'm not wearing any clothes. Nope, I actually said that out loud. Below is a short collection of things that I can't believe I said to one child or the other....this week.


"Because I don't think children should be questioned by the police without their parents. If he comes over here to get your side of the story, come get me or your father."
(Maura witnessed a fight at school and the police were called.)

***

"No, Schatz, it's private. I am not going to tell you if I'm going pee pee or poopie. It's not your business."

***

"SCHATZ! You are not allowed to peek under that door. We are in public and that nice lady needs her privacy." (In the Lowe's bathroom)

***

"If you have to preface the statement with 'not to be rude or anything' then you need to keep that statement to yourself."

***

"Saying 'no offense' does not make what you are about to say any less offensive."

***

After apologizing to the lady in the stall: "Kaitlyn, that is private. We don't ask strangers if they are going pee pee or poopie. It's private." (McDonald's Bathroom, but a reoccurring theme for this week)

Fridge Phonics and Foul Launguage

Mom: What does the D say?

Schatz: Duh. (Quickly covers her hands with her mouth). I said a bad word.

Mom: You didn't say a bad word.

Schatz: Yes, I did. I said Duhhhhh!?! (Shaking her body from side to side while saying Duhhhh.) It's a bad word like shut-up and stupid.

Mom: Well, it's a bad word when you say, "DUHHHHH" and you are being sassy. If you are just saying 'D says duh' then it's not a bad word.

Schatz (Pushing the letter D away from her): D says the bad word, Mommy.

Over the River and Through the Woods

Tail end of a conversation about a vacation we're taking in a few weeks:

Mom: So we'll drop off Lucy the night before. That way we can get an early start in the morning.

Schatz: Wait! Are you selling my dog?

Dad: We're not selling your dog, Schatz. Lucy is going to hang out with Miss Laura while we're on vacation.

Schatz: Is a vacation where they put your stuff in boxes and you live a new house?

Mom: No, that is a move. We're going on vacation to Grandma's house and to the ocean.

Schatz: Tomorrow?

Dad: No, in a few weeks.

Later that night after both girls had been tucked in...

Dad (from Schatz's room): Jamie, you'd better come have a look.

I came upstairs to find that she'd snuck out of bed and packed her bags.

Mom: But we're not going to Grandma's house for a few weeks.

Schatz: I can't wait that long.




Notice the red Ikea laundry hamper on the far right...it contains a turtle, stuffed Orca whale, her pillow pet, and every water dwelling animal the girls own. The bag in the middle contains a few sundresses, a pair of pants, and every pair of clean underwear that she owns.

Ocean Spray Bandit

Hearing a crinkling sound in the kitchen:

Mommy (from the front room): Schatz! What are you doing?

No Answer.

Mommy: Put it back!

I walk into the kitchen to find Kaitlyn pulling fistfuls of Ocean Spray drink mix packets out of a pillowcase and putting them back in the Ocean Spray box.

Schatz: (nonchalantly shrugging her shoulders) What? I forgot that they weren't mine.

Sweet Nothings

Kaitlyn: Mommy, wake up.

Mommy (opening eyes): Good morning, Schatz.

Kaitlyn: Why are skunks so stinky, Mommy?

Mommy (closing eyes again): I don't know, baby.

Kaitlyn: Open your eyes, Mommy. Why are skunks so stinky?

Mommy (opening eyes): I don't know. Why do you think skunks are so stinky?

Kaitlyn: Because they fart, Mommy, and farts are stinky. Skunk farts are really stinky.