She's on the Accelerated Plan

While driving to the grocery store this morning...

Schatz (sighs): I can't wait until next year when I am five and going to high school.

Me: Oh, that's right. Next year when you are five we'll be driving to kindergarten.

Schatz: No, not kindergarten. I'm going to go to high school when I'm five.

Even the Dolls Have Grown Complacent

Schatz was playing with her baby dolls in the living room this morning. The baby dolls were a pleasent conversation as far as I could tell when Schatz calls:

FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!

The dolls paused...then continued with their chit chat as if nothing had happened.

Ghosts and Zombies and Witches, oh my!

While laying in bed cuddling this morning...

Schatz: Can we watch a movie?

Me: What would you like to watch?

Schatz: The Walking Dead.

Me: The Walking Dead? You can't watch The Walking Dead!

Schatz: Why?

Me: It's too scarey for you.

Schatz: YOU watch The Walking Dead.

Me: And it scares Mommy. It's too scarey. It's so scarey it will make your hair curl!

Schatz: That's okay, Mommy. Schatz likes curly hair!

A "G" Rating in this House, Please!

Maura and Roger were sitting at the table this morning eating breakfast. I walked up behind Roger and kissed his ear, whispering, "I love you".

Maura: I know what that means.

Me: What does what mean?

Maura: When you kiss Daddy's ear. I know what that means.

Me: It means I love him.

Maura: Nope. It's a sexy kiss. It means you want to be sexy with him.

Me: Is that okay?

Maura: No. Mom, it's totally gross.

Me (in a resigned voice): Alright, I won't kiss your Daddy sexy anymore.

Roger: Heeeey! Let's not over react!

Exhibit A

Schatz: When we get to Australia I'm going to see a koala. I'm going to catch it and hold it.

Mom: You can't hold a koala, Schatz.

Schatz: Why?

Mom: Because koalas are wild animals and we don't touch wild animals.

Schatz: Nu-uh. You can so hold the wildlife. Look at my book. (Note: See photo below)

Schatz (as I look at the book): I told you. That girl can hold the Koala. I can hold a Koala, too.

Learning Foreign Slang

Maura was thanking Kaitlyn for something...

Maura: Dankeschön.

Kaitlyn: Bitteschön.

Dad: Ohhhhh, now you are going to have to learn Australian.

Kaitlyn: You speak Australian?

Dad: Yep, say: G'day, mate.

Kaitlyn: G'day, mate.

Dad: Now say: Shrimp on the barbie.

Kaitlyn: Shrimp on the bobby.

Dad: No, Shrimp on the BARBIE.

Kaitlyn: Shrimp on the BARBIE!! My Barbie does NOT like shrimp on her. That's gross!

Essentials in Dental Hygiene

I took the kids to the dentist this morning. Maura took her backpack so she could go to school after her appointment. Schatz asked if she could put a few Barbies in her backpack to take to the appointment. Upon leaving the dentist's office, I looked in the backpack to make sure we had both Barbies, this is what I found:

2 Barbies
1 Kodak digital camera (I was wondering where that went)
1 pocket Rolodex
1 tube of lipstick
1 small Yankee candle (sweet pea garden)
1 stick of gum (sugar free mint chocolate chip flavored)
1 golden retriever (Schleich plastic figurine)
3 pens

I've got to start frisking this kid before we leave the house.

Wedding Bells

Schatz (casually over dinner): Daddy, I bought my wedding dress today.

Daddy (after choking on his tea): Your wedding dress?

Schatz: Oh, yes, Daddy! Anita is marrying her boyfriend and I need a beautiful dress to wear.

(Side note: Anita is marrying my cousin Will. My children adore Will, but when he is not around Schatz refers to him as Anita's boyfriend.)

Couponing

Schatz made some coupons during nursery at church last week, but my four year old can't read. So I've been "reading" the coupons to get Schatz to do whatever I need her to do. "This coupon guarantees that I will put my shoes in the garage." oh "This coupon gurantees that Mommy can watch Grey's Anatomy for 50 minutes" and this one says, "This coupon guarantees that I will feed the dog."

Probably not in the spirit that church intended, but it gets the job done.

A Valid Choice

Maura: Mom, is it okay if I adopt my children?

Mom: Yes, I think that would be wonderful. Why do you want to adopt?

At this point I'm thinking I've done a wonderful job teaching my child to think of others and how wonderful it is that she's been exposed to families who have had positive and successful adoption experiences.

Maura: Well, Mom...(squirms uncomfortably) I don't want to EVER have sex. It's totally gross.

Mom: Sounds good to me. That is an excellent reason to adopt!