Threats to Bomb It

Schatz (from the bedroom door):  Can I sleep in your bed tonight?

Me: No, sweetie.  You need to sleep in your own bed tonight.

Schatz (a tad dramatically):  But I wake up and get scared!?!

Me:  If you need us in the middle of the night you can come get us, but you have to sleep in your own bed.

Schatz (thinking for a minute):  But I'm sick!?!

Me:  You are changing the subject, Schatz.  You need to sleep in your own bed tonight.

Schatz (going back to bed):  I'm going to bomb it.  I'm going to bomb it all over my bed and then you'll be sorry!

Me: Do you need a bucket?  I don't think you will vomit, but I can get you a bucket just in case.

Schatz (stomping her foot in the other room):  No, I don't want a bucket.  I want to sleep in your bed so I won't bomb it.

Juiced

It was Sports Day at school.  Maura was running and fell at the foot of a huge boulder.  The boy running behind her couldn't stop.  He stepped on her arm and vaulted himself up onto the boulder...or at least that's the best sense I can make out of the story.  At first she just said her arm hurt a little...but within an hour she was hurting pretty badly and had difficulty moving her arm.  Two hours out, the sling, ice, and Ibuprofen were doing nothing to help so we ended up in the ER to rule out a fracture.  The Triage Nurse dosed her up with an Aussie painkiller called Painstop (which is essentially Tylenol with codeine).

Me: Ah!  You are getting the good stuff!

Maura:  What's in the good stuff?

Me:  They are giving you codeine.  You'll feel better really soon.

Maura didn't say anything to that, but she looked skeptical. About an hour later, we were sitting outside of X-ray waiting for a room to open up:

Maura:  Mom?  I think this is a false alarm. I think I've wasted your whole night.

Me: Why do you think you wasted my whole night?

Maura: It doesn't hurt anymore.  I don't think any thing's broken and we've wasted the whole night at the hospital.

Me (leaning over and kissing her forehead): No, Maura. You aren't wasting my night, but I think your codeine just kicked in.

Puppy Love

 

Schatz has informed me that Lucy has a new litter of puppies...



Fun with Slang

Sitting at the table doing homework:

Maura:  Mom?

Me: Yeah.

Maura:  Could you run to the store and buy me some rubbers?  I don't want to keep asking Allie if I can borrow hers.  It's embarrassing.

...long pregnant pause as I collect myself...when in doubt, ask open ended questions...

Me:  Maura?

Maura:  Yeah.

Me:  Why do you need a rubber?

Maura (distracted by her math):  Because the one on my pencil always breaks off.  I like these much better. (She holds up a large pink eraser.) This one's Allie's, but I need to give it back tomorrow.

Me (crisis averted): Yes, we'd better go do that now so you're all set for tomorrow.

NOTE:  In Australia, "rubber" is slang for an eraser not a condom.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say (Until I Had Children)

"Did you want to 'ask' me or 'axe' me because seriously, kiddo, one of those is going to get you in trouble."  26 May 2014

"Schatz,  You have got to let that go.  I am no longer interested in discussing how it is your sister's turn to wash dishes today."  29 May 2013--after telling her several times that yes, it was Maura's turn to do dishes

"Stop touching each other. You are grounded off of touching each other for the rest of the day!" 
5 May 2013

"I am fairly certain that NOT buying you kids McDonalds does not constitute child abuse."  4 May 2013

"Did you want to "ask" me or "axe" me; because seriously, kiddo; one is murder." 12 August 2014

"Watching television is not a basic human right." 20 June 2015

"Did Merida ask the witch or did she ax the witch?  No, darling, I'm not kidding.  One is murder." 6 May 2015**

**Oh, yes.  I am beginning to see a pattern.

Be sure to visit this post again. Periodically, I will be adding things.