Secret Life of the American Third Grader

Maura: Would you be mad at me if I was 16 and got (voice drops to a whisper) pregnant?

Mommy (cautiously): No, I wouldn't be mad at you.

Maura: Would you keep my baby or would you give it away?

Mommy (long uncomfortable pause): It wouldn't be my baby. It would be your baby. You would have to decide to keep it or give it up for adoption. I think I would try to help you no matter what you decided. Why are you asking me all these questions?

Maura: I was just wondering...Are you sure you wouldn't be mad?

Mommy: If you were pregnant it wouldn't be very helpful for Mommy to be mad, but I would be very disappointed for you. And I think I would be very disappointed in you, too.

Maura (in a high pitched, defensive voice): But, Mom.....It's not my fault!!

This was a great opening for yet another conversation about babies, where they come from, and why it's not something that happens to you by accident.

The Olden Days

Actual CSAP question from my third grader's study guide:

If you wanted to know about the desert would you look in:
A) an encyclopedia
B) the dictionary
C) an atlas
D) your English Language textbook


Maura: Mommy, what's an encyclopedia?

Mommy: It's a big set of books that have specific information about a topic. If you want to know more about a certain topic, you'd read about it in an encyclopedia.

Maura: Why wouldn't you just google it?

Mommy: Well, when I was a little girl, the Internet hadn't been invented yet. We had to look in the encyclopedia.

Maura (sounding devastated): Oh, Mommy, what did you do without your Facebook?

(Sounds of Daddy's laughter can be heard from the other room where he's been eavesdropping...)

Kids are Brutal!

We're reading a few chapters of Old Yeller every night. We're at the part where Travis was attacked by the hogs. Travis has patched up Yeller as best he can and pushed him into a makeshift shelter to protect him from any hogs that might return.

Mommy (tears running down my cheeks...in a low, serious whisper): Do you want to read one more chapter to see if Mama can patch up Yeller?

Maura (nonchalantly): Naw, it'll keep until tomorrow.

Family Dynamics

We were running errands the other day and Schatz was being difficult. Roger just needed to get one thing at the last stop.

Daddy: Is it okay if you and Kaitlyn stay in the car while I just run into the store really quickly?

Mommy: That's fine.

Schatz (protesting): NO! Daddy, I want to go in the store.

Daddy: Not this time. I'll be really fast.

Schatz: But you have to take me. I'm your little sister. You can't leave your little sister.

Daddy: You aren't my little sister.

Schatz (after thinking for a minute): Well, I'm someone's little sister!

Fair Warning

Schatz (patting my cheeck): Mommy...Mommy

Mommy (eyes still closed): Yes, Schatz.

Schatz: Wake up, Mommy. I have to tell you something.

Mommy (opening my eyes): What, baby.

Schatz: Don't say 'Good Morning' to me today. I'm very grouchy.

Nostalgic For Her Youth

I pulled out a box of Maura's clothes for Schatz to try on. She was delighted with the Hannah banana jammies (more widely referred to as Hannah Montana). Maura, with a look of longing, was watching Schatz prance around the room in her new night wear.

Maura (age 8): I wish I was a little kid again.

The Other Bob

After calling him "the other Bob" the entire weekend, today at the grocery story she points to a bag of Original Lay's potato chips and says

Schatz: These are Will's favorite chips. Hmmmmm.

Celebrity

Daddy: Eat the rest of your potatoes, Katie.

Schatz (laughing): You are so silly, Daddy. I'm not Katy Perry. I'm Schatz.

Taking Inventory

My grandmother passed away last week. Two counsins (Will and Bob) and my cousin's awesome girlfriend (Anita) flew into town to drive to the funeral with us. Schatz flirted and warmed up to everyone, but had a difficult time remembering everyone's names...

After gasing up the Expedition:

Schatz: There's cousin Anita, there's cousin Bob. (Looking around) Where's Anita's boy?

(side note: Will is 35.)



Randomly taking attendance later...

Schatz (pointing at each person): Mommy...Daddy...Maura...Cousin Will...Cousin Bob......(thinking for a minute)...Cousin Girl

Casting Suspisions...

We stayed together in a condo in Bear Lake. Will and Anita stayed in the room upstairs, we took the room downstairs, and Bob slept on the Murphy Bed in the living room. Schatz was up at the crack of dawn...

Schatz: Where's Bob?

Mommy: Bob's ironing his shirt in the living room.

Schatz: No, Bob is sneaking around.

Mommy: Bob's not sneaking around. He's just being quiet because everyone is sleeping.

Schatz: No, not that Bob. The other Bob. He is sneaking around upstairs.

Asking for Will's iPhone

Will and Anita have two dogs and a cat...which makes them practically superstars in Schatz's opinion. Bob has two cats and a dog...plus two kids very close to Schatz's age, but no iphone to show Schatz pictures, so he missed out on some powerful preschool status....ah, the power of marketing.

Schatz called Will's iPhone his Chica-wah-wah because Will showed her pictures of Daisy the Chihuahua on the iphone...

Whenever she asked to see the phone:

Schatz: Bob?

Bob: Yes, Schatz.

Schatz: No,the other Bob.

Will: Yes, Schatz.

Schatz: Can I see your Chica-wah-wah? I need to play my game.

Relevence?

We got home late last night...Everyone was tired. I let Schatz sleep in my bedroom on the floor. She wanted to "read" her book, but she has a bad habit of getting out of bed a dozen times a night before she falls asleep. So I was laying down the law:

Mommy: You may read your book, but you are not allowed to get out of bed. Stay in your bed or Mommy is going to take away your book and you will have to go to nigh-night.

Schatz: But Mommy...(trying to think of a good reason to get out of bed)...The two Bobs are sleeping upstairs.